Aiden
* * *
She was right.
And she was wrong.
I knew a whole lot standing in that office with her.
I wanted to grip the back of her neck and take her mouth, not gently, not sweetly.
I wanted to see what I’d find if I peeled her tiny shorts off her long, long legs.
And beyond all that, I wanted to wrap her in my arms because I knew why she was frustrated. Knew what I was doing to cause it.
But I didn’t know how to stop. How to explain.
Never in my entire life had I felt this sort of barely leashed energy, and Isabel had no idea how close she was to shoving open the flood gates holding back the snarling beast inside me.
I didn’t like that she was frustrated with me.
I didn’t like that I’d walked away from her in my bedroom.
I didn’t like that we forever seemed to walk this tightrope of soft, stolen touches or immediate combustion.
At my continued silence, she made a frustrated noise in the back of her throat.
“I’m sorry,” I ground out. I unfolded my arms and set my hands on my hips. It was the only way to keep from grabbing her, tugging her to me like I wanted. “I’m sorry for the other night. I shouldn’t have …”
But my words stopped there. Because I couldn’t make myself apologize for touching her.
I couldn’t make myself apologize for one moment where I felt the press of her body against mine. Imagined pushing her back onto my bed and finding slick, sweet comfort with her legs around mine. I’d thought of it a dozen times since she walked out of my house, each time, finding empty release with the shower pulsing hot over me, the bed empty next to me.
“You shouldn’t have what?” she whispered. Isabel didn’t back down an inch. “Even now, you can’t say it.”
My eyes held hers because of course she knew what I wasn’t willing to say.
I held myself still because this precipice was dangerous, and it wasn’t the place for us to fall over it. There was no way for me, not now, to explain how selfish it would be for me to go down this path with her.
How unprepared I was for someone like her.
Her blue eyes changed as I stood there silently, from anger-tinged desire to resignation, and it made me want to rage.
“Isabel,” I said, shifting closer to her, my hands lifting toward her.
“No,” she said firmly. Her hand came up, stopping just shy of my chest. I think she knew—we both knew—that if we touched right now, any good intentions would vanish. Not just vanish, they’d explode. “Don’t call me by my first name, don’t act like you’re going touch me right now, unless you know exactly what that means for you.”
I backed up, hands dropping back by my side.
Her chin quivered dangerously, but she sucked in a sharp breath. Watching her ability to get control of her emotions was incredible.
“I’m done being awed by you, Aiden Hennessy. I’m done acting like I don’t want you because I do.”
If a man could remain standing while feeling humbled to his core, without falling to his knees, then I’d just managed it. She was staggering in her strength, and I had my first flash of unease that I was fucking up something big … something that might not happen to me again.
“And I think the part that makes me so mad,” she continued, “is that I know you want me too.”
I had to look away. I had to get myself under control. Remember why she was so wrong for me.
But even if she was, Isabel was right about this, and I respected her too much to lie to her.
My voice hardly worked when I spoke. It sounded rusty and rough, but the words came out clearly all the same. “You have no idea how difficult this is for me.”
“Then tell me,” she begged, stepping closer. “Tell me.”
I swiped a hand over my mouth.
If I pinched my eyes closed, I could hear Beth talking to Anya. I could hear the words she said. Isabel represented every selfish desire I could’ve conjured for myself. So that was what I did. I tried to tug that memory front and center because it felt like the only way to make sense of this mess.
“I just need you to be patient with me,” I told her, voice taking on a harsh, frustrated edge.
“I am being patient.” Isabel swallowed. “But that doesn’t mean I’m going to keep letting myself get whiplash until you decide this is okay. I’ve had a lot of things happen in my life that I had no choice but to push through.” Her voice was unsteady, but her eyes were clear. “But this, I can choose. Until you’re ready to do the same.”
My feelings for Isabel were too big. At that moment, the worst thing I could’ve done was tell her that.
That she was too much.
Too young.
Too beautiful.
Too guarded. I wanted nothing more than to break down her walls and let her do the same to me.
That together, we were too intense, in a time of my life when all I’d been seeking was peace.
The last thing I’d ever do was make her feel that way. And I didn’t trust myself to speak.
Isabel swallowed roughly, her eyes suddenly bright. “Please let me get back to work.”
She turned away, the long sweep of her dark hair making a hushed sound in the quiet of the office, and as she sat at the desk again, I saw her hands trembling.
It was the tremble that had me walking away as she asked.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Isabel
One thing I couldn’t hold against Aiden was how well he listened.
Like I’d asked, he stayed away.
Like I’d asked, he let me get back to work.
Even though I wasn’t teaching, I did just about everything else simply to stay busy. If I slowed, I would scream, just to have an outlet for my frustration. Not that he could’ve known the type of restless energy this distance caused in me.
Because the worst feeling in the world was falling in love with someone who wasn’t capable of returning that love in the way you needed. As I made the finishing touches on setting up for the self-defense class on my last day of work before Molly’s wedding, I kept thinking about Brooke.
I thought of the look I’d seen on her face the night before she left.
There was a resolve there that still made my stomach curl up unpleasantly when I thought of it. The love of Logan and Paige couldn’t erase it entirely, though it helped as much as anything could.
Telling Aiden how I felt about him was the closest I could come to baring myself to him completely. Standing naked in front of him would feel less vulnerable than this silence did. Because I had no guarantees that he’d ever love me like I wanted him to. Like I knew he was capable.
I’d never had the chance to beg Brooke to stay. So many years later, I knew I wouldn’t, even given the chance. But it still triggered the same uncomfortable edginess as if I had.
Which was why I threw myself into the work I could do.
I sat at the front desk, the gym's pleasant sounds behind me filtering into my thoughts as I readied everything for the class. The front door opened, and Casey walked in, followed by three other girls.
“Morning,” I told her. “You ready to beat people up?”