“Go save the world.” I hated myself the second the words left my mouth.
Adam didn’t deserve those words, but I was angry, at him, at my father, at the world and even a little bit angry at Billy. I knew three days ago that something was wrong. I didn’t want to think about it, so I’d ignored the growing concern. But each day that it grew farther from the seven-day mark since I’d last heard from Billy, I knew something bad had happened, because my brother had made me a promise.
Billy and I had a system, and despite all the obstacles that came with his promise because of what he did and who he was, he’d never broken it. Every week since he’d passed BUD/S and gotten on the Teams, he’d managed to get word to me that he was okay. Occasionally it was a phone call, sometimes a text, usually an email, but a lot of times it was from one of the guys on another team, telling me everything was status quo and Billy would be in touch when he could.
But three days ago, no call, no email, and no text from Billy or anyone else had come.
Frustration crossed Adam’s sharp features. “This is not me abandoning you, and this isn’t about saving the world, because you know that’s a bullshit remark. I’m doing my job, Maila. I’ll be back in a week. Wait for me, and we’ll do this together.”
Together.
I couldn’t stop the tears dripping down my face any more than I could the anger. What kind of together would we ever have now? He was offering me everything I’d ever wanted but at a price I could never afford or want to pay. “And then what? You stay a day, a week, then you kiss me again and tell me what to do like you have a right?”
His nostrils flared, and the sixteen-year-old boy who’d had a temper from circumstances beyond his control made an appearance before Adam quickly masked it with his Navy SEAL-trained, locked-down expression. “I’m sorry. That shouldn’t have happened.”
The hit to my heart would’ve destroyed me yesterday.
But today?
It didn’t even touch me. I was already so devastated, there was nothing Adam Trefor or anyone else could do to me.
Not now.
Not ever.
Because I was never going to love again.
Ignoring the man I used to idolize and love, desperately trying to ignore the images my mind kept conjuring of all the horrific scenarios that could’ve happened to my brother, I pulled my suitcase back across the bed.
Zane appeared in the doorway again and knocked twice on the frame. “Alpha. Go time.”
“Emmy,” Adam clipped.
The tears coming faster, everything getting harder and harder to hold in, I said nothing as I blindly threw shit in the damn suitcase.
“Alpha,” Zane quietly commanded.
Two paces and Adam kicked the door shut. Then his huge, overmuscled, war-hardened, six-and-half-foot-tall body that was all sharp angles and cold wind was between me and the bed as his rough hands gently took either side of my face. “Say the word and I will miss that fucking transport, Maila.”
The tenuous dam broke, and I choked on grief and impossibilities.
So many impossibilities.
And yearning.
A yearning that cut so deep, it was bleeding me out, but I couldn’t stop it. I had no control over any of this. Not my life or Adam’s or what had happened to Billy, and all of it was too much. I didn’t start to crack, I was already fracturing. My legs shook, my body trembled, and I had to reach for him to keep from falling into nothingness.
But my fingers weren’t long enough to encircle his thick wrists, and I couldn’t stop any of this.
I couldn’t tell Adam to go AWOL, I couldn’t bring Billy back, I couldn’t save my father and I couldn’t remember the woman who gave me life.
Everything breaking, every part of my mind and body wanting to give in and give up, I did the only thing left in my power to do.
I held my tongue.
Killing me as sure as if I’d pulled the trigger myself, I kept my mouth shut and didn’t say the one thing I’d wanted to say since I was five years old.
Adam
Four hours into debriefing, four hours and fifteen minutes since my boots had touched American soil, thirty-nine hours since I’d slept, and five days since I’d showered.
I stared, unseeing, at the intel projected on the screen.
Lieutenant Commander Davis was still yelling about casualties and cleanup and countermeasures, but I didn’t give a single fuck. The HVT was dead, his security detail were all dead, and I’d spared the HVT’s asshole adult son only to bring him back for interrogation.
But none of it brought Billy back.
None of it erased the same image that’d been cycling on repeat in my head for six days.
“Say the word and I will miss that fucking transport, Maila.”
Except she hadn’t said the word. She hadn’t said a damn thing.
I’d stared at her eyes and saw the one thing I couldn’t undo.
Despair.
“Alpha,” Lieutenant Commander Davis barked. “Anything to add?”
“No, sir.”
“Dismissed,” Lieutenant Commander Davis grunted. “Nilsen’s funeral is tomorrow at thirteen hundred hours, so get some rest, clean the fuck up and let’s pay our respects.”
I didn’t say a word to my teammates. Bypassing Zane’s knowing stare and the lieutenant commander’s concerned expression, I skipped the showers on base and headed for my truck. Twenty minutes later, I’d showered at my apartment, grabbed my go bag and service dress blues, and was already on my way to the civilian airport.
I was pulling into short-term parking when my cell rang.
Glancing at the screen, I sent Zane’s call to voice mail. A second later, he called back.
I answered on the first ring. “Busy.”
“Doing what?” Zane asked. “Roark’s taking us down tomorrow.”
I wasn’t waiting for Zane’s former Marine pilot friend who was flying the team down tomorrow in his private aircraft. I’d booked this flight a week ago, and if I hauled ass through the terminal, I’d still catch it.
“Hanging up now.” I pulled into a parking space. “I’ve got a commercial flight to catch.”
“Christ,” Zane muttered. “Just do me a favor.”
“What?” I got out of my car.
“Don’t scare her.”
Fuck him. “I’ve never scared her,” I lied, knowing full well I had. The guilt for kissing her at that moment had been eating at me for seven fucking days, but like a selfish dick, I didn’t regret it. My only regret was letting Billy die instead of me. And not waiting a damn week to tell her, but I knew I couldn’t have waited. My best friend had called his sister every single week since we’d earned the Trident. The day I told her, I knew he was three days past due.
Zane snorted. “Right, keep telling yourself that.”
Ignoring his bullshit, I locked my truck. “See you tomorrow.”
“Alpha—”
I hung up and sprinted to the terminal. Getting through TSA relatively quickly, I checked the monitors for my gate, then hustled.
Making it to the gate right as the gate agent was about to close the door to the jetway, I held my ticket up. “Ma’am, please wait.”
A smile spread across her face as her gaze cut from my face to my biceps. “Of course, sir.” She scanned my boarding pass. “Have a nice flight.”