“Have you really not looked at yourself recently?”
“No. I...”
“What?” When he didn’t answer, I guided his face toward mine. “What, Zayne?”
“I think I was avoiding my reflection.” His eyes opened, but his gaze was focused beyond me. “I don’t know why. I don’t even know if it was a conscious choice or if it was me, but what I became...even then I didn’t want to see myself. That probably doesn’t make sense.”
“It does.” A pang tore at my heart as I smoothed my thumb along his jaw. “Do you remember what the last couple of days were like?”
Zayne didn’t answer for a long moment. “There was a lot of confusion. A lot of feelings and thoughts I didn’t understand, but it was all very consuming. That’s the only way I can describe it, and what I felt...” His jaw tensed against my palm. “It was so much anger and arrogance and this, I don’t know...sense of twisted righteousness? Like I suddenly had all this hate toward angels and anything with grace in it, but I also hated demons—all demons. I believed I was better than demons and more... I don’t know. More aware than those who hadn’t Fallen? I just hated everything and everyone, and it was like...like being aware of what I was doing and saying, and either not connecting with it or not understanding it.”
Zayne’s entire body had tensed against mine as he continued. “They warned me it could happen, but I thought I could handle it. I guess I already had a healthy dose of arrogance going into it, but I can’t even describe what it was like being bombarded with all these...powerful, violent emotions that suddenly felt right, like they had always been a part of me. This belief that I was judge and jury, and could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.”
“You sound like a lot of humans,” I said.
His laugh was dry and short. “But I... I remember what I’ve done,” he said, and guilt threaded his voice. “When I saw you after I Fell?” His eyes closed again. “I knew you. When I saw you, I knew you and your name, and then I just lost those memories. The reason why you were important to me. You were an enemy I had to...” Lines of tension bracketed the skin around his mouth. “I had to dominate. That’s all I knew until you kissed me in the park, and I don’t know how to explain it, but it was like being electrocuted. All of the sudden, I was hit with all these other emotions that weren’t hate, and when I saw you again—in that pool? I still didn’t understand what I was feeling, but all I knew in that moment, was you. All I knew was that I wanted you. That I had wanted you and that was me. Zayne.” His eyes opened then, meeting mine. “I’m just so damn sorry, Trinity. I know what I did. I know how you tried to reach me, and I—”
“Stop.” I cupped his face with my hands. “Don’t do this to yourself. That wasn’t you.”
“But it was,” he said quietly, dragging his hands up my arms. “That was me, Trin. I was in there—”
“And that’s why you never really hurt me.”
“Never hurt you?” Disbelief joined the guilt. “I threw you around like a rag doll.”
“Well, I wouldn’t go that far,” I muttered even though it was true.
He ignored that. “I threatened you—I threatened you more than once.” His gaze lowered, and when he spoke, his voice cracked. “I had my hands around your neck. I can’t unsee that.”
My heart wept as I leaned in, pressing my forehead to his. “You are not at fault, Zayne. You have to understand that, and you have to realize what you did do. You could’ve hurt me bad. You could’ve killed me at any point, and you didn’t. That’s because you were in there, right? It was you who stopped. It was you who showed up and killed that Ghoul and it was you who came to the rooftop.”
“I dropped you in a pool.”
“I’ll probably punch you for that when you least expect it, but it was you in that pool with me. It was you and whatever you’d become after Falling, and I was there, too. You didn’t do those things to me. We did those things together because I knew you were in there,” I told him. “You might not have known why at the time, but you made sure neither you nor anything else hurt me. You even warned me to stay away from you. You said that—”
“What was in me would hurt you. It would’ve. Eventually I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself. Hell, when you trapped me, I wanted at you.” His eyes searched mine. “And that part of me was growing stronger every hour.”
“And it was that part that wanted to throw me around?” I slipped my fingers into his hair. “I mean, I can get pretty annoying, so that’s probably not the first time.”
“It was.” He shuddered. “Even when you are being especially annoying.”
“I know.” Of course I did. I could probably kick Zayne in the face, and he would sigh with disappointment. Why? Because he was good to the core. I leaned back so that I could see his face. “But that part of you that was still in there stopped it from happening. That is all that matters. That is all that can matter. Do you know why?”
“Why?”
“Because you were given back your Glory—an angelic soul—and you Fell for me. I don’t know if I should punch you or kiss you. You gave up being an actual angel to be with me. You Fell, taking a huge risk, to be with me, and you’re here. You came back to me.”
“Because of you. You brought me back.” He slid his hands back up my arms, leaving a trail of shivers in their wake. “What did you do? I was out there, contemplating another round of arson on another demon hole,” he said, and I blinked. “And then there was this uncontrollable urge to come here. How did you know what to do?”
“After you first showed up here, I was led to this church by a voice in my head, and yes, that was as creepy as it sounds. I thought I was losing my mind, but I wasn’t. A Throne met me at the church. He told me what I needed to do.” I let his hair sift through my fingers as I soaked in every line of his face. “He said my grace would never harm what I cherished, but I was scared. I wanted to believe it would work. I needed to believe that, and there were moments that I did, but...” A bit of the panic crept back in. “But I had to try. I kept telling myself that if it didn’t work, it was still the right thing. That you...”
“Wouldn’t want to be left in that state?” he finished for me. “You’re right. I wouldn’t have.”
His agreement should’ve made me feel better, but it didn’t. The idea that I could’ve killed him made me want to vomit. “I knew I needed to lure you out and somehow trap you, and I finally thought of the Crone. She gave it to me—actually, she had it ready for me. She knew. Well, there was this kid with her. He’s a seer. He knew, and told her, and anyway, she gave me a spell, and it worked.”