She wanted to be wanted.
The war inside herself would abate eventually, she knew. Normally, she'd fight the weak piece of her by feeding it, but there wasn't anything good left to eat.
Bzzz.
“Go away, Ryan,” she muttered, but to her surprise, the text was from Josie.
You up? Josie asked, which made Laura laugh, which scared Frumpy again.
You want a booty call, too? she replied back.
Sure! With you? Josie added an emoji kiss.
Ryan's texting me.
Her phone rang.
“NO!” Josie screamed. “DO NOT DO IT!”
“I know.”
“You don't sound like you know.”
“I know!”
“That's better. Please don't let him put his thing inside you again, Laura. He's so not worth it.”
Even Frumpy seemed to do a double take at that.
“Your wordsmithing abilities are breathtaking.”
“Right. I should be more clear. His little thing.”
“Hah! Don't use size as an insult.”
“His little lying married thing. His poor wife. Bastard lied to you both. Besides, he's fair game. He did it to you.” Josie was nothing but loyal, and Laura knew what she was referring to. Ryan put Laura down for her size, and Josie hated it.
Hated Ryan.
“I know. So why am I tempted? I keep thinking about how gross I would feel after sex, and I'm trying to hang on to that.”
“Negative reinforcement is very real. How about you imagine his pecker covered in scorpions?”
“What?”
“Or stinging nettles.”
“Josie... wha?”
“Imagine he has leeches all over his shaft.”
“What are you saying?”
“Whatever it takes to get you not to answer that stupid dudebro sex text.”
“Leach dick might have done it.”
“Whoo hoo! Score!”
“That's not how you – oh, never mind.”
“I'll do whatever it takes to make you see that Ryan is a waste of flesh and you can do so much better.”
“I know.”
“On this point, Laura, I know that you don't know. You need a self-confidence transplant.”
“Give me half of yours. Like donating a kidney. You'll still have enough to live a normal life.”
“If I give you an organ I finally get to be normal? Sign me up!”
“Why are you still awake at 1:14 a.m?”
“Giving you a booty call.”
“Hah.”
“Working.” Josie yawned. “Per diem shift. Those student loans won't pay themselves.”
“When are we going to meet some hot billionaires who will take all our financial worries away?”
“That isn't happening if you keep letting Ryan back into your heart.”
“I'm not!”
“Good.”
“But it's hard,” she confessed. “Not that I miss Ryan. I don't. I miss the right guy. I want the right one, but that person isn't here. So I get lonely and desperate and scared and - ”
“Make bad decisions.”
“Yep.”
“You deserve so much better than Ryan.”
Laura felt the tears start to sting the back of her throat.
“And you will find the right person some day, Laura. You will.”
A wave of that indescribable emotion from her dream washed over her, enveloping her in warmth and goodness, in safety and caring. She could almost smell a man's heat in the moment.
Maybe even two.
“I hope so.”
“I know so.”
“Since when did you become an optimist, Josie?”
“Since I hear tears in your voice.”
Best friends know everything, even when you try to hide it.
“I'll be okay.”
“You don't have to. Just be who you are. And delete his contact info from your phone. Block him.”
“I will,” Laura lied. It was a lie because she knew she wouldn't really do it.
“When I see you next time, I'll demand your phone and do it for you.”
“Don't you have babies to steal lollipops from?”
“That was morning shift.”
Josie's phone beeped.
“Gotta go. Emergency. Bye.”
The call ended.
Ryan's text glowed at her as she turned the phone down. Tempting.
So tempting.
But only the self-abusive part of her thought that.
The rest?
The rest wanted a break from assholes.
On impulse, she took her phone, tapped to Contacts, and deleted Ryan from her phone.
Too bad it wasn't that easy to delete him from her memory. From her broken heart.
With the remaining shreds of her willpower, Laura walked into her bedroom and crawled under the covers.
Hoping for those dream men again.
Because they really were a thousand times better than Ryan.
Even if they weren't real.
Chapter 5
“We gotta do something, man. We’re not cut out to live the rest of our lives as monks,” Dylan said the next morning, opening up his laptop and plunking down on the couch next to Mike. Dinner had been reheated beef stew Mike had made yesterday. They both had cracked open beers - and they’d need them for what Dylan had planned.
One of the finer points of getting a ton of money this year had been upgrading from a laptop that was heavier than a semi-truck’s wheel. The sleek, slim silver computer made him feel guilty. The money came from Jill. From her death.
From her secret.
But damn if it didn’t make life a lot easier.
“I’m perfectly happy living like a monk,” Mike said, eyes glued to the television. Dylan looked at the screen. Some nature bullshit show. How much did they really need to learn about the mating habits of a random Australian fish?
They had mating habits of the North American Male Human to worry about.
“We need to do something, Mike. Anything. I’ve gone out on a few dates, at least.”
“Yeah. I know. You’re ready and I’m not. Now be quiet so I can concentrate.”
Dylan peered at the television. “Dude, they’re showing footage of a fish’s erection. If that’s your idea of porn these days, you are way more desperate than I am. At least I look at human genitals.”
“Fish don't have erections, Dylan.”
Dylan pointed at the screen. “Then what the hell is that?”
Mike snorted and clicked the television off. He turned to Dylan. The guy was scruffy. Three days of growth on his face, the same t-shirt Dylan saw him wearing... three days ago.
And a stinky funk that made him wonder.
“Have you gone running in those clothes?” he asked, afraid of the answer. He really hoped that crusty look to the shorts was from sweat.
“Sure,” Mike said with a shrug. “Why?”
“You’ve gone running and then you didn’t bother to shower?”
“No time.” Mike’s answers were turning into two word utterances.
Uh oh. Dylan knew what that meant.
“No time?” Dylan made a derisive noise as he focused his attention on the laptop, navigating to the dating site he’d picked out for both of them. “You’re a ski instructor. It’s July. If there’s ever time to take a shower, now is it.”