Maybe he will never say anything. Maybe he’ll never realize.
And just like that all my anger goes away and is replaced by so much misery and heartbreak. Despite telling myself a million times over the past months that I’ll take my happiness in the fact that he loves Halo, I just want to curl into a ball and disappear.
“It’s fine,” I reply, looking down at his collarbone, his stubbly throat. “It’s much better than when you asked me yesterday. And much, much better than the day before when you also asked me. I’m getting better every day, Roman. You don’t have to worry so much about me. Now can I go please?”
“No.”
I sigh, keeping my eyes on his throat. “Fine, what do you want?”
The sooner he tells me, the sooner I can go and try to get myself under control. So I’m ready and back to myself when Halo wakes up hungry. Maybe I can take a long, hot shower and cry there so I’m all cried out for a few hours while I take care of Halo.
“You.”
I fist my hands for a second as the longing hits me the hardest at his answer. But I unfurl my fingers and say, “Me what?”
“To listen.”
I look up then.
Like a fool.
He’s only said two words but I can’t not. Look at him, ask him. “Listen to what?”
His eyes are my favorite color right now, molten mercury, even as they carry hints of frustration. “I’ve been trying to hold back. Because of everything. I’ve been trying to be a good guy but it’s fucking hard. It’s so fucking hard, Fae. When it comes to you.”
“What’s hard?”
He doesn’t answer me.
Instead, his V-shaped jaw tics and his eyes look far away. As if he’s having a conversation with himself. And when he’s done, he sighs, his broad chest pushing out and a determination falling over his features.
“I wanted to give you a week…” he pauses, before saying, “all right, a day. I wanted to give you at least a day after we brought Halo home but I am an asshole. I can’t wait any longer. I can’t wait any longer to…”
My heart is banging in my chest. “To what?”
Again, he doesn’t answer but responds with something else completely. “You always say I don’t tell you things, right?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I’m going to now. I’m going to tell you everything. From the beginning.”
“Beginning?”
His jaw tightens up for a second and he swallows thickly before saying, “The first time I saw you, I was nine and you were six.”
I wasn’t prepared for this.
I wasn’t expecting this at all and so I breathe out, “I-I’m sorry?”
“You were dancing, spinning on the playground and God, you looked so pretty,” he says gruffly, again his eyes both burning into me and seeming so far away. “You had a pink tutu and your blonde pigtails were flying as you spun. And I thought… I thought, I have to touch her. I have to touch her just once to make sure she’s real. Because you came out of nowhere and I don’t even know what I was doing but suddenly there you were. There this girl was, so pretty and…”
He swallows again. “So clean. Like a fairy or something. And so I had to touch her to see if someone like her could be real, and I did. I did get to touch her. I had to, actually. Because one second you were spinning and the next, you were about to fall and I was there to catch you. But I ruined your dress. I remember that very well. I left muddy fingerprints on it because my hands were dirty. And I wanted to let you go but you made me feel so clean, so filled with fucking light that I didn’t want to, and I wouldn’t have if not for your brothers. They came and they pushed me away and yeah. So that was that.
“And then the next time I saw you, I was eleven and you were eight. I saw you through the window at Buttery Blossoms. You were with Conrad, and by that time, I fucking hated him. I hated him because he got to touch you freely. He got to be with you, him and your other three brothers. They got to talk to you and you probably smiled at them all the time and danced for them. And yeah, I hated them for it. Anyway, I kept watching you through the window. You were taking a fuck-ton of time deciding on what you wanted to get and I thought, if she were mine, I’d buy her the whole fucking shop so she never had to choose.”
He chuckles. “I was loaded. Or my dad was, and back then, I loved his money if not him. So I thought, I’d buy her everything. I’d get her whatever she wanted. And in my head, I was already better than your brother who was making you choose. And so I kept watching and maybe you felt me, I don’t know. Maybe you felt a creep watching you through the window and you turned around so quickly that you stumbled. Again. And I wanted to get to you. I wanted to bust through the glass window and catch you but your fucking brother caught you. It made me so angry. That I didn’t get to do that. I didn’t get to save you. But anyway, I thought… this is what I do. This is what I do to her, my fairy, I make her fall. I make her dirty. So it’s better if I stay away, and I did.
“I fucking did, trust me. I’d see you somewhere around town, I’d turn around and walk away. I wouldn’t even pause, not even for a second. But then one day, I saw you at that store. The one you always go to, the girly one, with all those dresses…”
“Anti-social Butterfly?” I offer, as if in a trance.
It’s one of my favorite stores in Bardstown. They have such feminine and lacy and floral things that I’d spend hours there, just browsing if not buying.
“Yeah. That’s the one.”
“Y-you saw me there?”
He nods slowly, his eyes all filled with memories, glinting, looking so intense. “It was before you were about to start at Bardstown High. I was counting the days, actually. When you’d get to my school. I mean, I knew Ledger would be a bitch about it, but at least you’d be there. Where I was. At least I could see you every day. But anyway, I saw you at that store and you were picking out dresses and laughing with your friend or whatever and I had to go in. I had to see you. Just for a little while. So I did, and I watched you come out of the dressing room, showing off your daisy fresh dresses to your friend. And you looked so pretty in every one of them and I wanted to buy you the whole fucking store. I wanted to… give you everything you ever wanted. But anyway, nothing happened that time. You didn’t stumble. I didn’t make you dirty, so I thought it was all in my head and Jesus Christ, I was so fucking happy. I was so ecstatic, like I’d won something. That I didn’t have to be away from you anymore. I mean, except for your brothers, but fuck them, you know?
“But then on the first day of school, you were getting out of Ledger’s truck and I think you saw me, my Mustang, and you squinted your eyes against the glare maybe and the next second I knew, you stumbled again. And I thought to myself, ‘Fuck you, Jackson. Why can’t you stop hurting her? Why can’t you just… stop? She’s not for you.’ So after that, there was no turning back. After that I always, always made sure to stay hidden, to not look at you more than normal. Even when I watched you at Blue Madonna, because fuck me but I couldn’t help myself, I made sure you never saw me. You never felt me. Because if you did, I’d hurt you again. I’d make you dirty.