I think I’m going to fall or throw up or both, but then I feel a strong arm going around me and my body clashes with his.
I know it’s him.
I know he’s here to catch me again.
The guy who broke my heart once.
And an absurd thought flashes in my mind that he’ll always be here to catch me. When I fall.
Pulling in his calming scent, I grab his hoodie at the chest and blink up at him. “Thank you.”
His brows are drawn together and under the orange sky of dawn, his bruises look on fire. “I told you to stay back.”
“But I was —”
“Calls, fuck. You okay?” Ledger says, concern evident in his voice and on his face as he comes to stand beside me.
I’m about to answer him but Reed snaps, his arm going all tight and possessive around me. “Get away from her.”
Ledger’s chest pushes out on a sharp breath. “She’s my sister, asshole.”
“And if you hurt her again, you’re really going to regret not killing me last night.”
“Yeah, you’re one to talk. After what you did.”
“Please. Stop,” I burst out. “Both of you. Just stop.”
They do stop.
But I’m not sure if I’m the one responsible for making it all happen, because that’s when my oldest brother emerges from the front door and climbs down the porch stairs, his presence and his voice commanding.
“Ledger, that’s enough for now.”
Ledger’s jaw clenches in protest and anger. But he does obey Con and stand back.
However, he doesn’t stay quiet. “It was him. He took her last night.”
I move away from Reed then as I speak out. “He didn’t take me. He didn’t.” I feel Reed move beside me and I know he’s going to say something but I don’t give him a chance. “It was me. I went out last night after you guys went to sleep. I just needed some fresh air.”
Con has finally reached us now.
We’re still standing on the sidewalk and my oldest brother takes in the scene with his inscrutable dark blue eyes.
Ledger is standing with his legs far apart, in a battle stance, his fists clenched at his sides, his eyes screaming murder at Reed. And Reed is standing much the same way, only his face is all messed up.
I can’t help but think that Con has seen this scene play out a hundred times on the soccer field. Reed and Ledger, his two star players, facing off against each other.
“Are you okay, Callie?” Con asks me and my heart squeezes at the concern on my brother’s face.
“Yes, I am. Con —”
“You brought her home,” Con says, his gaze moving away from me and stopping on Reed, his tone measured and controlled.
“She shouldn’t have been out that late.”
Con throws him a short nod. “I agree.”
“She looked distraught,” Reed continues. “She had no idea what was going on around her.”
Con’s face goes tight. “It’s on me. I might’ve been a little harsh.”
“Yes. You were,” Reed tells him and my brother’s eyes harden for a second.
Again I jump in, addressing Con, trying to keep whatever peace I can. “You weren’t.”
Con’s eyes settle on me and he grinds his jaw.
I see regret on his face and my heart squeezes with so much love for him. So much adoration and respect and also regret at bringing this upon him.
At hurting him again.
I approach my brother with all the love in my heart.
I come to stand in front of him and say, “You were not harsh, Con. You’re my brother. You were worried about me and I gave you the worst news in the world. I get that.” I swallow, blinking back tears. “I get that I hurt you. I keep hurting you and I’m so sorry for that. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know how to make it up to you and maybe you’ll never look at me the same way as you did before. Before everything, and I don’t blame you.”
I turn to Ledger then.
He’s at last looked away from Reed and even though his stance is still the same, wide and battle ready, his eyes are liquid. His features are rippling with pain and I want to go hug him.
But maybe he’ll reject me now after what I’ve done and I don’t think I can take it.
So I keep standing in my spot as I address Ledger, “I don’t blame you for being angry and for hating me, Ledge. I actually wasn’t even expecting you to forgive me the first time. But you did and I’ll never forget that. You were there for me, that summer. You and Stellan and Shepard, and I’ll always, always, love you for that. You guys are the best brothers a girl could ask for and so I’m going to be a good sister to you and tell you that you don’t have to forgive me this time.”
I turn to Con again. “You don’t have to forgive me either. You can hate me, Con. It will hurt me but I’ll take it. Because you never asked for this, for this kind of disappointment and burden from your sister.” I swallow again. “You’re the only father figure I’ve known and you mean more to me than you can ever imagine. You’re not just my brother. You’re the guy who brought me up. I wouldn’t be here without you. You’re my everything.
“And I wish that I could give you what you want, Con. But I can’t.” I cradle my belly. “I can’t kill her. I’m sorry. I’m not capable of killing her. She’s mine now and maybe she’s only a bunch of cells right now and I don’t even know for sure if she’s a she but I can’t. Please, Con. I’m sorry.”
After I’m done, it feels like Con studies me for the longest time.
For the longest time, he doesn’t say anything.
And as I said to him just now, it hurts.
It hurts that my brothers might never forgive me. That one decision, the most important decision that I’ve ever made, is going to tear us apart.
And it hurts even more when Conrad looks away from me and addresses Reed. “Are you aware that my sister wanted to go to Juilliard?”
Clenching my eyes shut, I bow my head.
“Yes,” Reed says from behind me.
But he doesn’t stay there.
He comes forward. He stands toe to toe with my brother, both tall and strong.
“She’s wanted it ever since she was five,” Con tells him. “I took her to all her dance classes. I attended all her recitals and shows. And then I watched her get kicked out of her ballet studio.”
My eyes are on my brother but I know the lines around Reed’s mouth have tightened. I can feel it.
“After me,” Reed says in a low voice.
“After you,” Conrad continues as he stares at Reed. “I also watched while she got arrested. I went with her to the police station. I watched while her future hung in the balance. But you know that part, don’t you? You brought me the deal.”
“It wasn’t enough.”
“No, it wasn’t. She still had to go to that school. She still had to live in a dorm, follow all the stupid fucking rules. Because of what you did to her. How you used her and abused her trust. For a sport.”