Whole.
As I slowly flick my way through the photos, I stop on one.
The night of the festival. I knew Eli was there, hanging around with Tara and the Fords, but I hadn’t realized he had his little camera spying on me and his father yet again.
My heart falls apart.
My fingers tremble.
There we are.
Just a little ways off from the rest of the crowd, looking up at the sky full of fireworks.
Like there’s nothing in the world but me, Alaska, and those vivid glowing lights bursting against the stars, shedding rainbow shades down our faces, highlights along the edges of fingertips fiercely tangled together just like the way we’d entangled our lives.
I’m not going to burst out crying. I’m not.
I don’t have the time or the will or the energy.
With what’s in front of me, I can’t waver.
That’s why I haven’t let myself answer Alaska’s calls or listen to his voicemails.
His apologies, his joy at having Eli back, could only make me second-guess what’s about to happen.
They’ll tempt me to be weak, to turn back, to go to him and take the safe route like I’ve always done.
And the irony is, this safe route will just prolong this torture and endanger God knows who else.
I can’t start thinking too much about everything I want to cling to, the things I’m afraid to lose, or I’ll lose my nerve. I won’t be brave enough to finish the job I desperately need to close out forever.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, an ugly reminder of exactly what’s ahead.
I fumble to get it out of the padded snow pants, but when I do, my blood chills.
Yes, I’ve been expecting it, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready.
I’ll never be ready for this.
If you’re playing a game with me, Paisley texts, First your boyfriend dies. Then his sweet little boy. I’ll save your mommy dearest for last. And I’ll make you watch me carve every last one of them up before I cut you to itty bitty pieces so small they’ll never identify your scraps.
Welp. Can’t say she doesn’t have a knack for dramatic threats.
No games, I send back. I’ve finally figured this entire mess out. What my father did. The gold’s all yours. Every piece he took from you. Come get it, and then get out of my life. We’re square.
There’s a long pause.
I’m waiting for a long message full of expletives, mocking baby talk, or just whatever batshit crazy thing stampedes through her evil pixie head.
Instead, I only get back one line. Three words.
Square? Not yet.
My breaths turn into stabbing icicles in my throat.
Jesus. Even offering her the world isn’t enough.
Knowing her, she’ll still want her pound of flesh for whatever trouble she thinks she’s gone through to keep terrorizing me for years.
Fine.
She can take anything she wants.
But one way or another, if she wants my life so bad, I’ll make sure it’s the last thing she ever takes from anyone.
For the rest of her own brief existence.
24
The Gold Touch (Alaska)
Right now, I should be pounding back a beer in celebration, feeling like I’ve just splashed down from the moon.
Instead, I can barely crack a smile.
I’m in the hospital waiting room with Eli, staring down at my silent phone. Haley and Warren sit across from us with their kids, leaning against each other, and goddamn if it doesn’t just make me miss Fliss even more.
She’s still not answering her phone or my texts.
It isn’t like her, knowing if she was that done with me after I was a colossal jackass last night she’d tell me to my face...wouldn’t she?
No, she wouldn’t.
She’d run.
She’d run because she wouldn’t want to burden me, and she’s so used to taking everything on herself that she’s afraid to trust someone else to listen.
And I’m worried as hell I might’ve proven her right.
I let my own fears overwhelm me till I shut her out after she put her full faith in me, blaming her for something that wasn’t her fault.
We need to talk.
We need to talk like I need air in my lungs.
Too bad I promised Eli we’d stay through Tara’s X-ray to make sure her ankle’s only sprained, and not broken. He’d have gone into the room for the X-ray with her if they’d let him, but that wasn’t an option.
Still. My boy’s got the right idea. I could learn a thing or two from a twelve-year-old.
Stand by your girl.
Always, always stand by your girl.
I told Felicity I wanted her to be mine. I wanted to see what we could be.
I said I’d stand by her through anything—and then I walked it back on the first savage test of my conviction.
How many ways can you spell idiot? I think I’ve added a few new synonyms for it with Alaska and Paxton.
What the fuck am I doing?
Either I’m strong enough to protect her and Eli both, or I’m not. And if I’m not strong enough for her, then I don’t deserve Eli, either.
Yeah, I need to make this right.
I need to drop to my knees and beg like a starving raccoon if that’s what it takes.
“...Alaska.”
“Huh?” I lift my head and realize Eli’s dozed off against my side, while Warren and Haley keep watching me with quiet sympathy.
It was Warren talking, I think. I totally zoned out.
He smiles at me wearily, his blue eyes flashing, holding his wife closer. “You’ve been staring at your phone without blinking for ten whole minutes, man. Wondered if you fell asleep with your eyes open.”
“Probably. It’s been that kind of day.” I offer them my own tired smile. Here in this waiting room, even though we’ve just started getting to know each other better, we’re practically family.
We get each other in that special agonizing way only people who fear losing their kids do.
I crane to look down at Eli and rest my hand to the top of his head. He doesn’t even move.
“Amazed he lasted this long,” I say.
“A little stubbornness goes a long way. Bet he got it from you.” Haley watches me with a knowing smile. “You guys should go home. Sleep. You pushed yourself harder than any of us out there and you carried them back on your own. Still don’t know how you managed that. You might have to arm wrestle this guy.”
She elbows her husband playfully and gets back a grumpy smile.
I shake my head.
“Rain check. We’ve got to stay a little longer. If Eli misses Tara when he wakes up, he’ll be upset.”
“You can leave him with us,” Haley says—and I instantly bristle. She raises a hand. “Hey—hey, calm down, Papa Bear.”
I groan, running a hand over my face. “...did Felicity tell you about that?”
“Much to your detriment.” She chuckles. “But seriously, you can trust him with us. They wouldn’t dare wander off again. We’re taking the kids to sleep at the big house with Ms. Wilma tonight, so we’re just going to bring Tara up there to join the puppy pile. I think she’ll find the company comforting after what she’s been through, and Eli probably will, too.”