The storm blew out to sea. Thanks for that, Dad! And my cough seemed to disappear. You are one good guardian angel.
So . . . I got to the church early for the rehearsal the night before. It was chilly, but it had that good church smell, you know? Candles and incense, furniture polish and good intentions.
I stood there for a few minutes and thought of you, Daddy. You’ve been gone for six years now, and I can’t believe so much has happened to me without you. This especially. You would love Josh. You would’ve pretended not to like him at first, but you would love him like a son. He would’ve asked for your blessing before he proposed, and you would’ve lectured him on how special I am, then hugged him and tried not to cry.
And at the wedding, you would’ve walked me down the aisle. You would’ve tried to smile and you would’ve patted my hand, happy tears in your eyes. You would’ve called me your little girl and told me how beautiful I looked. You would’ve shaken Josh’s hand and told him he’d better take care of me.
So, standing there in the church, all by myself. I pretended you were there, and I pretended to link my arm through yours, and I walked down like you were next to me, and I cried my damn head off.
How could I be getting married without you? Why couldn’t you have lived, Dad?
You were the best father, Dad. The best.
For a second, I thought I would be a wreck for the wedding, mopey and weepy, like Mom. But I guess I got it out of my system, and when Josh came in, he could tell I’d been crying, and he said how proud you’d be of me. He told me how he went to the cemetery and promised you that he’d take good care of me and never let me feel unloved.
You see, Daddy? I picked a winner. I know you love him, Dad. I know you approve.
Okay, back to the happy stuff. The day of, I was SO happy. I was just floating, Dad! I also looked gorgeous, if I do say so. Darius walked me down the aisle. (Mom passed when I asked her. Sigh.) But hey! Darius is the world’s best brother-in-law, and Jen is damn lucky, too. Sebastian was our ring bearer and the CUTENESS!
My dress was so pretty . . . I tried to pick out something my daughter will want to wear someday, and not something that would make her scream with laughter. (We hope to have at least two daughters, like you and Mom did, Dad, because where would I be without Jen?) So it was Audrey Hepburn fabulous, as you no doubt saw. Josh wore a suit—I thought he was handsome in cargo pants, but MY GOD. I saw his face and thought, I am so lucky. He loves me. He loves me!
His mom was happy-crying through the whole thing. It was so sweet. I didn’t peg her as a crier, and there she was. She blew me a kiss as I walked up the aisle.
Daddy . . . when we said our vows, Josh’s voice was so gentle and . . . perfect. Neither of us cried. It was almost too important for tears. I looked into his eyes, and I never meant anything more in my life when I said I would love, honor and cherish him all the days of my life.
The reception was so much fun. Even Mom had fun. There were toasts, and Jen bawled and was also hilarious, and we all danced till we dropped. Seriously, I thought I was going to faint at one point, the downside of wearing a wedding gown. But at one point, when we were slow-dancing, Josh whispered, “You know what I want?” and I said, “What’s that, honey?” and he said, “I want to take my wife home.”
And Daddy, that was everything. Wife. Husband. Home. Us.
Yes, he carried me over the threshold.
It was perfect. I’m so happy, Dad. Know that. Feel that. Your little girl is so happy.
In retrospect, the incident during their honeymoon was the first big warning.
Their rented house sat on a huge cliff overlooking the ocean and was impossibly pretty. The flowers, the wild roosters crowing at all hours, the abrupt and glorious drenching rains followed inevitably by a rainbow, and the clear, warm water . . . it truly was paradise. How did people visit Hawaii and leave? Lauren didn’t know.
Plus the great married sex. There was a safety now, a comfort and security that gave her the ability to let go of any inhibitions, knowing that if it was awkward or silly or just didn’t work out (for example, her pathetic attempt to talk dirty), they’d laugh and move on and learn together. Long hours in bed, walking naked around the house, eating pineapples and mangoes, feeling like a goddess in this tropical utopia with her man . . . the happiness brought her to tears sometimes.
Forever. All the days of my life. Forsaking all others. The beautiful words of the wedding ceremony kept echoing in her head, so full of promise and meaning, enacted every time they made love, every time they talked. They had deep conversations about their childhoods, and she learned things she’d never known about him, and told him things she’d never told anyone, and their love deepened and grew even more.
At night, if he fell asleep first, she’d stare at his beautiful face, her heart thrumming with love. She would take such good care of him. Make him so happy. He deserved everything, her hardworking, earnest, brilliant, quiet, kind and sometimes awkward husband, and she would give it to him.
They ate sushi and poké and tried to pronounce long Hawaiian words properly. The beach was an easy walk downhill from their cliff house, and the walk back was good cardio, enough to make her winded and sweaty. Every day, they swam and played in the waves, lay on the sand and laughed when it rained on them and just waited till the sun came back out a few minutes later. They tried surfing . . . Josh was physically perfect but adorably clumsy, but Lauren caught a few waves, and the feeling of being propelled by the force of the ocean made her giddy.
One day, they drove to the western side of the island to see the Nāpali state park and maybe Hanakapi’ai Falls. It was a rugged trail, but they both loved hiking. They packed food and lots of water, and got lost in paradise. Holding hands when they could, walking through the thick forest, swatting mosquitoes. The birdsong was almost deafening.
At the base, they stood in awe at the four-hundred-foot falls, the mist shimmering, the walls of the hills bursting with moss and ferns that grew right out of the shale. They swam in the frigid water, laughing and wrapping their arms around each other. Ate the picnic lunch they’d packed, then sat in a silence that wrapped them in honey-golden contentment and wonder.
But the ascent was harder; a brief rain shower had turned the trail to slick mud. They stopped to rest a few times, and Lauren felt so tired she wondered aloud if she could just lie down and grab a nap. Her limbs felt heavy and achy, but what choice did she have? When they finally made it to the car, both damp with sweat, she was breathing fast and hard. Josh, damn him, caught his breath almost immediately. She shouldn’t be this winded, she thought. She was in great shape, she’d drunk plenty of water, had two granola bars, a sandwich and mango slices, she . . . whoops . . . things were graying out, and she seemed to be flowing down toward the earth, just like the waterfall.