I leave the dance, wondering what I just did.
If I ruined my chance of ever getting what I want. Of being with her fully.
I don’t know what the answer is, but I am compelled to do what’s right.
Our limo driver is out front, and I know Damon isn’t planning to leave for another half hour or so. He wants to fully enjoy his reign as king before going to the after-parties.
So, I hop in the limo, get driven to Lacey’s house, and then send the driver back to the dance.
I can walk home from here.
I know I can’t risk getting chicken pox, so I carefully place her crown, sash, and bouquet of roses in front of her door, and then I step out into her yard and call her.
“Chase,” she says when she answers.
“I’m out front. Can you come to the door?”
“Uh, I look horrible.”
“You’re the queen, Lacey. Come put on your crown.”
“My friends videoed my name being called. Thanks for accepting it for me. I’m really surprised you are bringing it to me tonight since you were there with Dani and all.”
“You were my date,” I say as she opens the door, wearing a pair of flannel pajamas.
She sets her phone down, and I hang up. Her mom joins her, putting the sash over her head, adding the crown, and then giving her the roses.
Even from out in the yard, I can see that she’s crying.
“I know we can’t dance together,” I say to her, “but there’s no reason we can’t dance together—separately.”
I play a song on my phone, turning the music up loud.
I bow to her from the front yard and then pretend to put one arm around her waist and the other up for a waltz.
“You’re crazy,” she says, but she mimics me, coming out onto her porch and slowly swaying with me to the music. Her eyes are closed, but there’s a smile across her face.
And I know that I did the right thing.
When the song ends, Lacey opens her eyes and looks across the lawn at me. “Thank you for doing this, Chase. It means a lot to me.”
“Get well soon,” I tell her. “You know I need you out there on the sidelines, cheering for me.”
She laughs. “Don’t think I didn’t see a video of the play. You do just fine without me, Chase. Always.”
I walk home, go up to my room, take off my shiny shoes and suit, change into some sweats, and then go out back and sit on the dock.
I end up lying back and staring up at the stars, remembering the night in the Ozarks when Dani and I laid in the back of a pickup and did the same. She made some comment about me flirting with girls at the resort. Which I had—in an attempt to make her jealous.
“I’m not going to beg, Dani. A guy can only take so much of having his heart stomped on before he just gives up.”
She whipped her head in my direction and sucked in a breath. “I’ve stomped on your heart?”
“Maybe you are like my mom. Everyone said she was clueless, too.”
“But she told me she wasn’t! She told me how they used to stare up at the stars and think about how infinitely big the universe was and how small they felt in comparison. She said that’s why it took them so long to get together. Because she felt small in comparison to how big their love felt.”
“Is that how you feel?” I asked her, desperate to know the answer. Any answer that would give me hope that someday—
“I understand why she felt that way. When you’re young, like our age, it does feel that way, you know,” she said, sounding confused.
And maybe she was.
“And I completely disagree. Sitting here with you, under the stars, makes me feel like anything and everything is possible.”
And then she kissed me.
Tonight felt like that kind of night. The kind of night when I could envision our future.
Until I decided to take Lacey her crown.
Was I wrong to do that?
The dock sways, and I open my eyes, surprised to see Dani coming toward me. She’s still in her dress, like she just got home.
“Funny you’re out here,” she says.
“Why’s that?”
“On the drive home, I was thinking about the Ozarks. About the stars. I wanted to come out here to look at them. Remember what it felt like to fall in love with you.”
“Are you mad at me?” I ask as she sits down next to me.
“I felt like that tonight,” she says, not answering my question. “Like I was falling in love with you again. It sounds weird. Because I love you. I’ve always loved you. As my friend, my confidant, but it’s much deeper than just best-friend love, Chase. It always has been. And I just—”
I know what she’s about to say. And I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to rock the boat—or in this case, the dock.
“I get it, Dani. You’re in college. I’m here. Someday, the timing will be right for us.”
She pulls her knees up to her chest, wraps her arms around her legs, like she’s hugging them, and rests her chin on her knees. “Do you really think so?”
“I know so.”
“I know so, too,” she says. “Thank you for tonight. I know I got a little pissy when you left, but taking Lacey her crown and stuff was sweet of you.” She lets out a little chuckle. “Do I need to worry about getting the chicken pox, sitting by you?”
“No. I put the stuff outside her door but then stood out in the lawn.”
She reaches out and wraps her fingers around my hand and lies flat on her back. “Can we just lie here together and stare up at the stars?”
“Of course we can,” I tell her, quickly lying back.
“Good, because someone once told me that doing this makes them feel like anything and everything is possible.”
I turn my head toward her. She moves closer to me, her lips as close as they can be without touching mine.
I reach up and gently stroke her face as I say, “Someday, it will be forever, Dani, but we don’t have to start forever today.”
Sunday, October 20th
Separate ways.
Devaney
Eventually, Chase and I went up to his room together. No one was expecting me home with all the after-parties.
I loved being in his arms, in his bed. With him intimately.
And although last night was the night of my dreams, something seemed to shift in Chase. I don’t want to say it felt like he’d given up on us because that isn’t quite right. Maybe it was just that he didn’t send off the same intense emotional vibes I usually feel when I’m with him.
It was more like he is now resigned to the fact that we’ll be going our separate ways for a while. At least until next fall when he comes to school with me.
And I suppose that’s the grown-up thing to do.
Wednesday, November 20th
Catching up.
Chase
Tonight, we won the state semifinals, and in a couple of weeks, we’ll be playing for the championship. As typical, Damon wants to go out to celebrate, but I feel like I need to do something else.