I was dead to him.
Chapter 24
Sitting back on a cot, already filled with emotion, I pulled the journal from the bag, my hands quaking. After Hanna and Caden, I had to retreat to a quiet room by myself. I hoped someday they would see and understand. But what if they didn’t? What would happen to them?
I couldn’t think of that possibility. One thing at a time.
Leaning against the wall, I pulled my legs up, placing the book on my thighs. Nerves attacked my lungs as I slowly opened it, something slipping out and landing on my stomach. The picture I saw in the book, the one of my mom pregnant with me. A sob hitched my throat, my hand covering my mouth, tears pushing through and spilling over.
Until this moment, I had never really seen a close up shot of my mother. In my actual hands. She was laughing, her hand rubbing her belly. So happy, beautiful and young. In my head, she was always my mother, forgetting she was not much older than I was now. She was a three-dimensional person with hopes and dreams, opinions and beliefs.
I traced over her face, taking in every detail I could. She had long, dark hair and pale skin like mine, but she was much softer and sweeter looking, with bright green eyes, round cheeks, and a heart-shaped face. I took more after my father’s Russian heritage.
My finger trailed down to her stomach. I was in there, and with me, her life would end. Why did I have to come that night? If she weren’t giving birth to me, would she have lived? Tears burned my eyes. I placed the image to the side, no longer able to look at her. So much was there, so much grief and guilt.
Peeling open the first page, my heart thumped again at seeing my father’s familiar handwriting. The first dozen pages were nothing but simple updates about me or his job.
Brexley took her first step today. I wish Eabha was here to see how smart and strong she is.
Istvan has us building up our troops. Tensions are rising; another war is brewing with the fae.
About a third of the way in, things started to shift, and he was no longer using my name.
Something odd happened today. Age 4.
She fell over two stories onto a marble floor... very lucky. She should be dead. Age 5.
I’m noticing more and more as she grows. A sick feeling in my gut. Age 5 ½.
Fear. I feel it more each day. To even utter the word, even think what I am thinking, would be blasphemy. Age 6.
We are leaving today for the East. I can no longer ignore my gut. Andris agrees with me after what we’ve seen. How can this be possible? I must find out why. I tried to find Eabha’s family—it has only led to dead ends. Age 8
I knew very little about my mother’s side. Other than they were refugees from Ireland, her family coming over here when the old Seelie Queen Aneira was still in power.
It was also understood Mom was human...
But what if she wasn’t?
Istvan is sending us east again in search of a substance, a nectar. Following the ideals of a quack scientist, it is said this substance gives humans fae qualities. Strength, infinite life. His need for power has become a sickness, eating away the man I used to know.
I feel dread today as I leave her again. I fear he will discover her. I fear he senses something. I’m afraid when he does realize, he will take her from me or kill her if I don’t follow exactly what he wants. I have no choice. She is my soul. My world. We must be careful, spies are everywhere, but I use these trips to find more about her. So far, her abilities connect with nothing human or fae. Age 10
My mouth pinched together. Neither human nor fae. Not fitting anywhere.
Gray.
I have found leads. But eyes are watching me. Always watching.
I flipped to the next page.
I understand now...
After that, every post became more paranoid, speaking in strange riddles. Then about a month before his death, he started writing in secret code.
All encrypted. The final page, dated the day he died, was filled with nonsense words and strings of letters, but a single row toward the end was different from all the rest. They looked like a dove, rose, forget-me-nots, violets, and a boat.
“Fuck!” I slammed the book closed, rolling off the bed, tucking the picture of my mom in my back pocket. “Dammit, Dad! What do you mean you understand now?”
I only knew of one person who knew my father’s mind, one who could possibly understand his puzzle. My feet ran down the hall, bursting into my uncle’s office, his head snapping up the moment I entered.
“Brex?”
“Can you read this?” I slapped down the book in front of him to one of the encrypted pages.
Andris put on his glasses, moving the journal closer to him, his brows scrunching while he scanned the page.
“It’s not any of the ones we used to communicate with each other.” His finger skimmed over the symbols, flipping through more pages.
Disappointment stampeded on my lungs, deflating them.
“Really? Nothing in there? Even the bottom there? Why is it different?” I motioned to the page again, desperation etching my voice. He was the one I thought would know. “Do you know what he meant?”
“No, I don’t.” Andris’s expression flattened, appearing as deflated as me. “I told you he got extremely paranoid by the end. Stopped talking to me, afraid if I knew too much, it would be dangerous.”
A strangled cry rolled around in my throat, my hand hitting the desk. It was always a step forward and a dozen back.
He held up his finger, grabbing his walkie-talkie off his belt. “Ling, can you come to my office?” He spoke into it, then glanced at me. “She does more magic hacking, but she still is well versed in breaking codes. She’s our best bet to possibly breaking his cipher.”
A pump of hope went back into my lungs. Ling—Ling-ks. A Kitsune fox, she had the magical power to deceive and trick magic spells that she used to hack computers and systems.
Barely thirty seconds later, Ling was next to me, making me jump at her sudden appearance.
“Can you look at this?” Andris turned the book to her. She stepped up to the desk, her dark eyes skimming over the pages. “I know it’s not your forte, but I’m hoping you could try to decipher it.”
Her body was still, only her eyes moving over the page, as if her brain was computing each letter and symbol, running through a database in her mind. The room was silent for a few moments before she spoke.
“No.” She stood.
“What?” I rushed to the desk, shoving the journal back toward her. “Look again, there has to be a way. You can hack the most magical spells in the world.” My voice rose, anxiety nipping at my nerves.
“Exactly,” she responded, unemotional. “Magic spells and computer encryptions. This,” she pointed at the book, “is none of those.”
“Ling...” Andris went up on his feet. “Please, this is very important.”
“I will need more time with it and put it into the database.”
“Yes.” I nodded. “Do it.”
“Do what you can, my love.” Andris picked up the journal, handing it to her.
She grabbed it with a nod, slipping out of the room as quiet and fast as she arrived.
Biting my lip, I fought the urge to run after her and tail her every move as if she had the most precious item in the world. To me, she did. I still hadn’t had time to really pore over his words and thoughts, skipping to the end to see if he had any answers.