Her eyes come back into focus, tears still falling in a steady stream. “Somewhere with flowers?”
“Yes,” I promise. “Somewhere with flowers.”
20
Poseidon
The Navy sailors pack up and leave. They’re almost as disciplined as my crew, so it’s a matter of minutes before the island is empty.
No—not quite empty. People poke their heads out of the tree line. Haven Island will put itself back together again.
But with the threat of the US government gone and Ashley looking triumphant and powerful, everything else I’ve been pushing away comes rushing back like a flash flood. The adrenaline rush of battle drops away, leaving a hollow shell with a burning pit of anger and grief. I have to get away from this place. Demeter sent someone here to fuck this up for me, and all for the crime of killing her rapist father and helping to give her a home. She resents me for saving her life, and I resent her for everything.
I resent myself for everything.
“Back on the ship,” I bark.
Ashley hurries to keep up with me. Buddy hurries to keep up with her. My brothers hang back. I know I’m being an asshole. I know I’m being a prick. But I have to get away from here before it eats me alive.
“We need to be under sail in five minutes.” Nicholas blinks at the order, then runs to tell Louis. A minute later the engines turn over. Killing Demeter’s man brought up too much to escape from. I thought I was rested. I thought I was fucking fine. One man and a handful of sentences and everything is burning down all over again.
I go to my quarters, though I should be up on deck with the crew. I need the body armor off. As soon as I’m across the threshold, I claw at the straps and let it all fall to the floor. Wrench my shirt over my head. It has blood on it. Not mine. Pants next.
“Poseidon.”
Ashley gestures Buddy to sit, and he does. When the hell did she have the time to train him? Did everything happen while I was asleep? “It’s not a good time, princess.”
A smile curves the corner of her mouth, but her serious expression returns quickly. “I know.”
“Then what are you doing here?”
“I came here to talk to you.”
She’s so calm, so steady. Steadier than the sea. The waves get choppier under the hull, kicking up fast. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
Ashley perches on the edge of my bed and folds her hands in her lap. “I think there is.”
If she asks me about Demeter, or about the past, I’ll lose my fucking mind. If she asks me to explain why this anger and grief have come sprinting back so quickly, I won’t have an answer. “Then say it,” I snap. “Don’t fuck around with me.”
“Nicholas would like to know if you have a destination in mind.”
“I—” I’m going to tell her I don’t. I’m going to tell her there’s nowhere on the planet that will make me feel right again. I thought I could be all right on the sea, I thought I could be all right with her, but I’m not. What the hell is it going to take for Demeter to leave us alone? What is it going to cost? “I don’t know.”
Ashley stands, smoothing her dress so it falls neatly around her legs. “You’ve been looking for your mother.”
“I’ve been looking for her rosary. My mother is dead.”
She takes a deep breath and squares her shoulders. “I’m not sure if my dad was lying or not. I know it’s been bothering you. Maybe we should go and find out.”
“She loved the church.” I don’t know why I’m saying it, only this pressure in my chest won’t let up, won’t let me breathe. “I feel closer to her when I visit them. But none of them are as ornate as the one she loved best. The one in the city where we lived. That’s where—” The battle shredded the iron defenses around this part of my memory. It shredded the instinct to protect myself by never thinking of it. By never speaking about it to another person. I can’t stop myself now. “That’s where she wanted to be buried.”
The memory sings itself into my mind, every detail lit by the sun. We were walking on the seashore, my hand in hers, and I had asked her about death.
Does the sea take you when you die?
God takes you when you die.
But that’s not what I mean. The idea of the soul is still hazy.
But where do you go? Your body, and your clothes.
Wherever you’d like to be buried.
People can be buried at sea.
She’d told me that.
I’d like to be buried in the churchyard.
I looked into her face then, and she looked peaceful. Thoughtful. Will you be scared?
My mother looked into my eyes. No. But I’ll miss you.
“Do you know where it was?” Ashley’s voice melts into the memory.
“Lancieux.” She goes to the door, and I realize she’s had someone waiting. Ashley murmurs it to whoever’s out there, and then calls for Buddy. She shoos her dog out the door, and he goes, which means it must be Nicholas.
The door clicks shut.
Ashley comes back to me. She stands tall in front of me and puts her hands on either side of my face. Her touch wakes me up to the betrayal of my own body. My hands shake, and I can’t catch my breath. I don’t get out of breath. I thought we were going to die out there. Thought I would at least have the chance to die defending my brothers, and then Ashley stepped into harm’s way and put an end to it. I don’t have closure. I’ll never have closure until I find my mother. The ship begins to move. It’s carrying me toward her, but I don’t know what I’ll find when we get there. I don’t know.
Her hands are trembling too, but she has more control over herself than I do. She’s ready to face me. Ready to withstand whatever hurricane I become.
“I’m not afraid of you,” she whispers.
“You should be fucking terrified.”
Her thumbs move in small circles on my cheekbones. “Do you need me to run?”
My self-control blows apart like the hull of the Trident in a cascade of shrieking steel. Ashley’s dress comes apart in my hands, the sound of ripping fabric bouncing back at me from the paneling in the room, and I put my hands on her. Anywhere I can touch. Anywhere I can reach. Around the back of her neck. She’s nervous but pliant as I hold her there for a kiss that will bruise her. Hurt her.
She moans.
I shove her down to her knees and undo my pants. I need her mouth on me. Need that hot, sweet tongue—
One lick breaks my resistance and I shove myself down her throat. Ashley gags and I make some inhuman, animal noise, wrestling with my pants. She’s clawing at them with both hands. Helping me while my cock cuts off her air supply. Helpless tears run down her cheeks, but in her eyes—
In her eyes—
She’s surrendered. To me. Belongs to me. She’s letting me do this so I don’t destroy my ship, my brothers, my life. She knows what I need. It’s unbearable to be seen this way. It’s the only bearable thing.
I pull out of her mouth and yank her up to her feet. “Take the rest of your clothes off.”
Ashley does, her fingers shaking. She’s naked now, soft and vulnerable, and raindrops batter the window of my quarters. I put both hands around her neck and kiss her again. Taste her. Bite her. She goes still at my touch. Always. She always does this. Becomes obedient and compliant and submissive and I need it right now, I need that.