I think of Chad.
Nope. Not going there again.
“Talk to me,” Evie persists, bringing me back to the conversation. “Lior and I want to come and spend time with you.”
“No,” I argue, knowing what they really want to do is check on me, and I don’t need them to see me and my million moods. Or for Lior to see Chad. “I’m doing fine. And,” I add, “I’ve got Mom and Ray visiting any chance they get.”
“Blake.” Her tone is all-knowing and laced with concern. Since our father left us when we were younger, Evie and I have always been thick as thieves—a bond not even distance could dampen. While it’s hard not having her around, it’s also the exact same reason I’m glad she isn’t.
I don’t need her coming to my rescue.
I really don’t need anybody to come to my rescue.
Contrary to popular belief, a woman can take care of a child on her own, especially when she went ahead with the pregnancy knowing being a single parent was very much what was in the cards for her.
I don’t have any regrets about Alessia. I have regrets about Chad, and I have regrets about lying to Evie.
But not about my daughter.
“Fine, I’ll let it go,” Evie concedes. “How’s my favorite niece?”
“You mean your only niece,” I correct.
“Whatever. Is she awake? Can we FaceTime?”
“She’s on my boob,” I tell her. “Let me finish feeding her and I’ll call you back.”
“I don’t care about seeing your boob,” she protests.
“Just give me a second.”
She huffs, and it’s the cutest sound. For reasons of their own, Evie and Lior don’t have kids and don’t plan on having any, but that doesn’t mean they don’t know how to be the best aunt and uncle that ever lived. They’re obsessed. And since they left New York and moved to Colorado to be closer to Lior’s family, they’re constantly asking for updates and sending her stuff in the mail.
They were here for a week after I gave birth, and I won’t be surprised if they come back again under the guise of checking on me, just like Evie implied.
It takes just under forty minutes for me to finish up feeding, burping, and changing Alessia. I lay her down in the middle of the mattress and I lie beside her. Extending my arm, I raise my phone above our heads and FaceTime Evie.
Surprising me, both Evie and Lior’s faces appear on my screen, and my lips split into a grin.
“Oh my God, look how much she’s grown,” Evie squeals. “She’s even trying to find where the voices are coming from.”
I move the screen closer to her, moving me out of the view while they “ooh and ahh” and murmur between themselves about how they just want to squish her cheeks or smell her skin.
They’re ridiculously adorable.
“B,” Evie calls me. “Move the phone so we can see your face.”
“Give me a sec.”
Maneuvering around Alessia, I stretch out and build a wall of pillows around the empty side of the bed and place one underneath my head, getting comfortable.
“Hey, Lior,” I greet, realizing I didn’t give him a proper hello earlier. “How are you doing?”
A mischievous smile plays on his lips. “I’m really good. Just waiting for my sister-in-law to move to Colorado. You know how it is.”
A laugh bubbles out of my mouth. “You two don’t really think that’s going to happen, do you? I don’t know anybody there.”
“Mom and Ray would move too,” Evie tells me, her voice a lot more serious now. “She said if you moved, they would come too.”
“What?” Shocked, I straighten up, causing Alessia to whine. I turn to face her and lower my lips to her forehead. “Sorry, little one.”
I look back at my sister and her husband. “Can you two just stop beating around the bush and tell me what it is you’re getting at?”
“You don’t want to talk about Alessia’s dad or tell him about her, so I don’t understand why you can’t come here and we can all be a support system for you.”
“I’m totally capable of taking care of her by myself,” I snap.
“That’s not what I meant and you know it. Is it such a bad thing if we all live close by and I can see her anytime and she’ll grow up around a tight-knit family?”
I know what she means, and I know her intentions come from a good place, but my own insecurities of not being able to do this rear their ugly heads, making me wonder if everyone else can see my failings too.
“Tell me about her dad,” she presses. We seem to have this conversation almost every week. And the truth is, it isn’t an elaborate story.
I ran out of that hotel room that night faster than I've ever run from anywhere, because he scared me. I woke up and he was just lying there, asleep, and I saw our whole lives mapped out.
The kids. The house. The happy ever after.
And it terrified me.
Rosario is the most passionate man I’ve ever had the pleasure of being with. The way he spoke, the way he touched.
The way he fucked.
I feel my face heat up at the memory alone, and I have to look away from my sister’s gaze.
Swallowing hard, I recall that overwhelming fear that engulfed me when I imagined our life together, knowing just like my relationship with Chad, whatever Rosario and I had could end too.
And I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn’t survive it the same way I did with Chad.
And then I found out I was pregnant and I couldn’t find him.
I tried. I asked Liza for his contact details, and when I called, nobody answered, and when I emailed, nobody responded.
What else am I supposed to do? Troll the internet and hope I stumble on someone who knows him?
“Like I’ve told you a hundred times,” I start. “There’s nothing to tell. He was a one-night stand, and despite my efforts, I haven’t been able to get in touch with him.”
I watch Evie give Lior a side look that clearly says, “I don’t believe a word she’s telling me,” but thankfully, he gives his head a little shake, telling her to just let it go.
And, reluctantly, she does, but not before adding, “I could get you a job here when you’re ready to go back to work.” I open my mouth to object, but she just raises her hand, silencing me. “At least think about it.”
I give her a small nod at the same time Alessia begins to fuss. “I’ve got to put her to sleep, and I might try to catch some z’s with her. I’ll speak to you guys soon?”
“You know it,” they say in unison.
We say our goodbyes, and I switch out my phone for Alessia, checking her diaper and getting her all bundled up for a nap.
Placing her in her bassinet, I press the button that allows it to sway, knowing it will eventually lull her to sleep.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I watch her in awe and think of Rosario, my earlier conversation with Evie returning him to the front of my mind.
I don’t know how other single parents have felt, but it’s moments like this when I feel so lonely. I mean, parenting is hard, but that’s to be expected and it doesn’t impact or effect the way I feel about her.
What it does do, though, is make me wish I could share these moments with someone.