The sinking feeling that overtakes me fills me with the kind of desperation I haven’t experienced since the days when I expected to die at any moment. “I never want you to be upset because of me, but can’t you see, even a little, why I feel this way? What would your life have been like if your dad had died when you were a little kid?”
“It would’ve been very different, but I would’ve known how much he loved me because my mom would’ve told me every day. I’d get to have a life because he gave that life to me.”
“But you’d be sad to have lost him, especially if you didn’t even remember him.”
“Yes, but that wouldn’t have stopped me from going on to live a very satisfying life.” She accepts a second tissue from me and wipes her face again. “When you said you wanted to experience every part of being in love, I thought that extended to kids.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t say otherwise.”
“So am I.”
I feel like I’m going to be sick myself. “What does this mean for us?” I’m terrified to ask that question.
“I don’t know. We were impulsive. We jumped in so quickly. Maybe we made a mistake.”
“This wasn’t a mistake.” I’ve never felt so desperate about anything as I do about fixing this with her. “I don’t want to lose you, Dee. I love you so much. You’ve been the best thing to ever happen to me.”
Her chin quivers and new tears spill from her gorgeous brown eyes. “I love you, too. I really do, but…”
I stop breathing, waiting for her to finish that thought.
“You’re asking me to sacrifice one dream for another, and I just don’t know if I can do that, Wyatt. Even for you.” She takes a deep breath and lets it out. “And your parents are so upset about you moving. Maybe you shouldn’t do that to them.”
“I’m not going to live what’s left of my life for them. I want to live for myself and you.”
“I want kids.”
Three little words have never packed a more significant punch than those do. “I don’t have life insurance, Dee. I can’t get it, which means I’d be leaving you without any kind of cushion other than the house and the money I’ve managed to save, a big chunk of which will go toward the house. My savings is decent, but it’s not enough to help you raise a family on your own in an expensive city like Miami.”
“I have a good job now. I can do it on my own if I have to. Maybe we won’t live in a fancy house, but they’ll have what they need. I’d make sure of it, and my family would be there to support me. I wouldn’t be alone.”
My guts have twisted into knots, but I feel a tiny spark of hope. “The thought of having children that might never know me is so… It’s overwhelming to me. Can you understand that at all?”
“Of course I can, but it goes back to what we talked about at the beginning of all this, about not living in fear of a future we can’t control anyway. You have no idea whether you’ll die young or live to be an old man, and I don’t know that for myself, either.”
“You’ll never be an old man.”
For the first time in more than an hour, she cracks a small smile. “I don’t know if I’ll live through tomorrow any more than you do.”
“Please don’t say that. You’re going to live a good long life.”
“And you might, too. That’s my point. We don’t know what’s going to happen, so why not live to the fullest while we can?”
“You make excellent points. Could I have some time to think about it?”
“How much time? You’re supposed to move to Miami in two days. If we’re at an impasse on this topic, maybe…” Her voice catches. “Maybe you shouldn’t move.”
I draw in a deep breath and release it on a long sigh. “This is why I had rules I never broke. I never wanted someone to look at me the way you are now as if I’ve disappointed you profoundly.”
“It’s not your fault. We both did this. We dove in headfirst without taking even a second to make sure we were doing the right thing.”
“Nothing in my entire life has felt more right to me than this has, than you have.” When I reach for her this time, she lets me.
When her arms encircle me, I’m full of relief to have her back in my arms, even if I know our problems are far from solved.
Chapter 21
DEE
I barely sleep that night. I’m a wreck after the last few hours and fearful that everything has changed between Wyatt and me—and not for the better. He tosses and turns, too, and has dark circles under his eyes when he comes to kiss me goodbye before he leaves for his second-to-last day at work in Phoenix.
“Should I… um, keep packing?” What was definite only yesterday has now been thrown into complete uncertainty.
“Yeah, I mean, I quit my job here. Miami-Dade is expecting me the week after next. We made an offer on the house in Miami. This place is going on the market this weekend. It’s all in motion.”
Everything else is in motion except our relationship, which hit a major roadblock last night.
“We’ll talk tonight,” he says, kissing me again. “We’ll figure this out. I promise. I wish I didn’t have to go, but I’ve got back-to-back surgeries today.”
“I know.”
“I love you, Dee. No matter what you’re thinking or feeling, please remember that.”
“I love you, too.”
“As long as we have that, the rest will fall into place. I believe that, and you should, too.”
I can tell he honestly doesn’t want to leave me but pulls himself away to go to work. After I hear the door close downstairs, I reach for my phone to call my sister. She’s at work by now, but she’ll take the call if she can.
The call goes to voice mail, and I leave a message asking her to call me when she can.
I bring the phone with me when I go to shower and then downstairs to make coffee. I feel awful, almost as bad as I did when I found out Marcus married a stranger. The sick feeling, aching eyes and pervasive hopelessness are far too reminiscent of that awful time in my life.
I never wanted to feel like that again, and here I am. Even in the short time I’ve been with Wyatt, I already know he’s way better for me than Marcus ever was, but I’m discovering that heartache feels the same no matter who causes it.
Maria calls me back an hour later, when I’m in Wyatt’s room, putting the last of his clothes into boxes.
“Hey,” she says when I take the call. “How’s it going?”
“It was going great until last night.”
“What happened?”
“Do you have a minute?”
“I have thirty minutes. It’s lunchtime here.”
“Oh good. I might need all those minutes. Wyatt took me to meet his parents last night, and they were super chilly to me. He says it’s got nothing to do with me. They’re pissed he’s moving. But it sure felt personal to me.”
“Yikes, I’ll bet it did.”
“I was so uncomfortable the whole time. I felt like they were blaming me for his decision to move or something. I don’t know. It was just so screwed up.”