She looks smug and I realise I’ve failed her test.
* * *
George is striding towards the house, faster than I can walk at my normal pace. I’d have to run to catch up with him, but I’m not sure I should. I’m expecting him to disappear straight upstairs, so I get a shock when I find him blocking the kitchen doorway, his back to me.
‘Oi,’ I say, giving him a push.
He steps forward and gives me a strange look over his shoulder. It’s then that I see my parents standing in the middle of the kitchen, hugging. Mum lifts her face from Dad’s shoulder. Tears are streaming down her cheeks, but she’s smiling.
‘Hey,’ she says in a husky voice.
‘What’s wrong?’ There’s dread in the pit of my stomach as I watch Dad dry his own tears. He’s turned his face away, but it’s obvious what he’s doing.
‘Nothing’s wrong,’ Mum replies.
Jamie and Joanne arrive, both of them stopping short.
‘Are Ashlee and Nia okay?’ Jamie asks, panicked.
Mum nods. ‘They’re both fine, love. Nia’s still asleep and Ashlee’s in the living room, watching telly. Her social worker just called. Anita and Ollie want to adopt her too.’
I burst into tears. Mum comes straight over to give me a hug, but as her arms fold around me, her whole body shakes with emotion. The two of us clutch each other desperately and proceed to silently sob our hearts out.
We’re so so happy for Ashlee and Nia, yet at the same time, absolutely devastated at the thought of losing them both.
Mum releases me, and as I blow my nose, she goes to give George a hug. He’s standing there uncomfortably with his head bowed, but he lets her embrace him.
Dad pulls away from Jamie to comfort Joanne – tears are streaming down her face, but as soon as she’s in Dad’s arms, she starts to wail loudly.
I hurry into the living room, turning to shut the door and startling at the sight of George right behind me. He looks upset too – his eyes are shining and his nose is red – but he follows me into the room, gently closing the door behind him.
Ashlee is sitting on the sofa, her eyes fixed on the television. She seems completely unaware of what’s going on in the kitchen.
‘Hello, Ashlee,’ I say brightly.
‘What are you watching?’ George asks, also endeavouring to sound cheerful.
‘Teletubbies,’ she replies, unable to tear her gaze away from the action on the box. George sits down on one side of her and I sit down on the other, and as I rub Ashlee’s back, I can’t stop the tears from slipping down my cheeks. She doesn’t notice, but George does. His warm hand closes over mine and my heart jumps at the feeling of his fingertips curling into my palm. I turn to look at him, but his gaze is fixed on the TV. My eyes travel over his side profile, from his brown curls to his dark eyelashes and his straight nose. And then he slowly tilts his face in my direction and lifts his eyes to meet mine. The intensity in his dark depths steals my breath away.
We snatch our hands away from each other as the door bursts open.
‘Hello baby,’ Joanne says, coming into the room and sitting on the carpet in front of Ashlee.
‘I’m watching Teletubbies,’ Ashlee tells her distractedly.
‘My favourite is Dipsy,’ Joanne says, still rubbing away a perpetual river of tears.
‘I like Laa Laa,’ Ashlee replies.
‘Oh, Laa Laa’s ace,’ Joanne agrees hoarsely.
The sight of her pain brings on a fresh wave of my own. I get up and go into the kitchen to find a tissue. Jamie, Mum and Dad are in the dining room, talking. As I’m drying my eyes and blowing my nose, I hear the kitchen door open and close behind me, and when I turn around and peek back into the living room, George is no longer on the sofa.
I hurry out of the kitchen door and see him stalking up towards the high paddock. The sight of his shoulders shaking makes me step up my pace, and suddenly I’m running up the grassy hill towards him.
‘George!’
He spins around, his cheeks wet and his eyes glistening. ‘Will Sophie’s foster parents care as much as that when she’s adopted?’ He points towards our house. ‘Is she going through that right now and I’m not there?’ His voice is raised and full of emotion. ‘Who’s going to adopt her? What will they be like? Will she call them Mam and Dad and what the fuck, Leah?’ he gasps, almost tearing his hair out. ‘How can I let her go like that?’ His eyes are wide with disbelief that this is happening to him, to his family. ‘I have to find her. I have to stop this! She can’t be adopted. What if I never see her again?’ He breaks down into full-on sobs.
I can’t bear to see his pain – I feel it as though it’s mine. I’ve got to help him. We’ve got to help him. Ashlee and Nia will have each other through life. George and Sophie should have each other too. Isn’t it more important that Sophie has a brother, a big brother who she loves and looks up to, than a new mum and dad who she’s hardly ever met? Isn’t it?
Oh God, I don’t know! Ashlee and Nia will have a mother and father who will love them and care for them, support and help them through every stage of their young lives. They’ll be dedicated to their upbringing, protect them at all cost. Isn’t it too much to ask that of George? His own life has barely got started – he’s a boy, not a parent. He should be allowed to live for himself, not for his little sister. Isn’t that why the courts made the decision they made? It’s all such a minefield.
I step forward to comfort him, but his body goes rigid beneath my palms. He pulls away.
‘I need to be by myself for a bit,’ he says gruffly.
‘George,’ I choke out.
‘I’ll be all right,’ he tells me over his shoulder.
I stand on the grass and watch him walk away.
* * *
Anita and Ollie come for another visit the very next day. Mum and Dad are doing everything they can to accommodate them, wanting them to form as much of a bond as possible with Ashlee and Nia before they go to live with them. Dad wants to be there for the visit this time, so after dropping Jamie, Joanne and George to the market, he returns home.
I’m glad George has gone with the others – glad for his sake, not mine. I don’t think he could handle seeing this process through, not when he’s linked it so strongly to what’s happening with Sophie.
Anita and Ollie pay much more attention to Ashlee than they did last week, and while I struggle to hold back my tears, it does warm my heart to see their shared looks of affection and excitement. They’re clearly blown away by the fact that they’ll soon be a family of four. While it’s nowhere near official, my parents and the girls’ social workers are confident that the courts will support the decision for Ashlee and Nia to go to the same family.
In fact, Mum is so confident about this, that she tells Ashlee that Anita and Ollie are going to be her new mummy and daddy. Ashlee goes along with this quite happily, having no real understanding yet of what this means. Anita and Ollie both get a bit tearful when Ashlee repeats the words: ‘My new mummy and daddy?’
‘That’s right, darling,’ Mum says. ‘That’s daddy there.’