“Look at me and Nessa. I fucked up spectacularly, but I got her back, and you’ll get Xavier back. The best thing you can do right now is find out who is responsible for the breach and plug that hole. Then you can start rebuilding your life and repairing the damage done to your relationship.”
I’m not feeling as confident as Lauder, but I haven’t given up all hope. I was wrong before. All isn’t lost, provided I don’t take any more missteps. And getting to the bottom of the Techxet riddle is the priority because nothing will change unless we find the culprit and reclaim the stolen money. “I have a good feeling about today,” I tell him. “It feels like it might be a turning point, and I hope I’m right, because the longer I stay married, the less chance there is of me winning Xavier back.”
“So, how is married life treating you? How is Sydney?” Xavier asks after a deathly quiet half hour in the car.
I’ve spent the entire time navigating early morning traffic in the city, not knowing how to break the silence. Now we’re cruising on the Palisades Parkway for the next couple of hours until we hit Otisville. It’s pretty much a straight run all the way from here.
Gripping the wheel tighter, I cast a quick glance in his direction. “We’re really doing this?”
“What?” He feigns innocence, kicking off his sneakers and lifting his feet onto the dash. “I can’t ask my colleague how his sexy new bride is?” It could be my imagination, but his face turns a little green as he says that.
“I fucked her one time, and it was a mistake,” I admit. “It won’t be happening again.” Something I had planned to make clear with Sydney last night when I returned from the office, but she was already in her bedroom. “I don’t think you can say the same,” I add, narrowing my eyes at his feet. He is wearing two different ankle socks, and the sight brings a pang to my chest. Xavier and his zany sense of style was always one of the things I loved about him. Didn’t stop me giving him shit for it though.
“What have I got to do with this? I’m not the one who cheated, and I’m in a committed relationship. I’m not the one saying my marriage is fake and then fucking my bride on our wedding night. Unless you’re trying to say that was fake too?”
I level him with a dark look. “How the hell do you fake fuck someone? Please tell me as I’d love to know how that works.”
“You’re splitting hairs, Hunt. You know what I mean.”
“I just told you it was a mistake! What more do you want me to say?”
“I don’t care. Fuck her or don’t fuck her. It’s none of my business.”
“Then why the fuck did you ask?” I shout.
“I’m just trying to make polite conversation,” he retorts.
“By asking me if I’m fucking my wife? You are so exasperating. And get your damned feet down off my dash!”
He smirks. “Was wondering how long it would take you. You lasted five minutes. I might be impressed if you weren’t such an asshole.”
“Because I’m trying to help my dad and keep everyone in their jobs? Including your boyfriend, I might add.”
“Oh, please. Don’t try to pretend like you’re doing me any favors. I have always been at the very bottom of your priority list.”
I take a few seconds to calm down before I reply. “That is not true, and you know it.”
“Then why, Hunt? Huh?” He swivels on the seat, the leather squelching with the motion. “Why did you keep me a secret if it wasn’t because you were ashamed of me?”
Tears glisten in his eyes, and I’m horrified. He thinks I was ashamed of him? God, I have really fucked up. “Xavier. I was never ashamed of you. Never.” I hate that I’m driving on a highway because he needs to understand it was never about that. As luck would have it, I spot a rest area just up ahead. “I want to stop. We need to talk about this.”
He doesn’t object, so I take that as a yes. Maneuvering into the right-hand lane, I pull off the highway and drive into a vacant spot in the mostly empty parking lot of the gas station and restaurant. I kill the engine and unbuckle my seat belt, turning to face him so I’m giving him my undivided attention.
“Xavier. I was never ashamed of you. I could never be. You are the most brilliant, creative, compassionate, witty man I have ever met. I was proud to be with you, and I’m sorry if you ever felt differently.”
His gorgeous sage-green eyes drill into me as he tugs on his lip ring in an obvious nervous tell.
“You drive me fucking insane, but I wouldn’t have it any other way,” I continue. “I love your heart, your intelligence, your humor. Life was never dull with you around, and your presence is the very definition of larger than life. You filled up my world, Bright One, and now it feels so empty without you in it.”
“Pretty words, Hunt. You have lots of them. But you still haven’t answered my question.”
My Adam’s apple bobs in my throat as I prepare to give him some of my truths. “You have met my parents, and I’m sure you’ve formed your own opinions. Appearances matter hugely to them. When I told them I was bi, my father said he’d tolerate it provided I was discreet and I understood when the time came I would marry a woman. Someone well connected within our social circles.”
“And you let him get away with that?” Disbelief radiates from his every pore.
“You don’t understand, I—”
“I understand it more than you realize.”
“What does that mean?”
A muscle clenches in his jaw. “My parents are middle class, but it seems they share some of the same values as your parents. Mom is a nurse. Dad is an accountant. I was an oops baby. Mom had me when she was forty-two, and I don’t think they ever knew what to do with me. My brother and sister were seventeen and eighteen when I was born, so I never really knew them. Not like most people know their siblings. My father was disgusted when I told them I was gay, when I was thirteen, and yeah, it was pretty much downhill from there.” He sighs, looking out the window.
Reaching out, I take his hand, pleased when he doesn’t automatically pull away. “I’m sorry. How come I didn’t know this?”
He grunts, removing his hand, and it hurts. “Because we didn’t open up to one another, Hunt. We bickered, we worked, and we fucked. But we never shared emotional truths because, anytime I tried, you clammed up tighter than a nun’s vajayjay.”
“They have never loved me,” I blurt, and it hurts to say those words. “Not in the way a parent is supposed to love their kid, and I tried so hard to get them to love me.” I swallow over the messy ball of emotion in my throat. “I had two choices, as I saw it. I could rebel and act out and try to get their attention that way. But I figured that would just anger them more. If they got pulled away from work to deal with my shit, it would piss them off. So, I chose the other option. I have tried to do what they wanted me to do, even if I don’t agree with it. I bite my tongue and do their bidding, hoping one day I will make them proud and they will love me.”
“Sawyer.” His features soften, and he leans in closer.
Unable to resist any longer, I thread my fingers through his messy hair. “I love your hair like this.”