“Noon.”
I nod. “I need to go talk with my parents. You’ll be here?”
“Yes. I’ll keep an eye on her.” She walks forward and hooks an arm around my neck. “I’m really sorry about Carrie.”
“Thank you.” I grab my shoes and glance back at Sienna.
My parents are in the lobby when I walk down. My mom looks like she’s been crying all night and I don’t know why, but it sets off my barely-contained rage.
I grind my teeth as she hugs me.
“How’s Sienna?”
“Still sleeping. I just came to say goodbye. Are you guys headed out?”
“You’re not coming with us?”
“Why would I come with you?”
“They haven’t made arrangements yet, but they will soon. Cory said Tuesday, if they can get everything ready.”
“I don’t think I should go.”
My mother rests a hand on my chest. “Oh, honey. Of course you should.”
“We weren’t together anymore,” I say loudly, releasing some of my anger.
“If you want to go back to Valley with your team first, we’ll get you a flight this week. Right, Julie?” My dad takes her hand. A united front like they’ve always been.
“If that’s what you want,” she says slowly.
I nod. Fuck. I know the right answer, but I’m not prepared to head back to Minnesota today. “I’ll just ride with you guys. It makes more sense. Give me thirty minutes?”
I head back upstairs with breakfast. Sienna’s coming out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her thin frame. She finger-combs her wet hair.
“I could only carry two plates.” I set them on the TV stand.
Reagan and Ginny are back and packing their suitcases. They both shoot me sympathetic glances and take turns hugging me.
“How are you feeling this morning?” I ask Sienna.
“Better.”
“You should eat something.”
She graces me with a small grin that loosens the boulder on my chest. “I will.”
I raise my brows.
She grabs half a bagel from the plate. “Are you going back to Valley or…”
Apparently everyone thought of the funeral except me. Funeral? What the fuck?
“Leaving with my parents.”
“What day is the funeral?”
“Tuesday, I think.”
“I could maybe come with you.”
“No. That’s okay. Thank you, but I know you have practice and school, and you need to rest up so that you’re ready for your last competition. Will you still be able to compete?”
“Yeah, hopefully. I made a doctor’s appointment for Wednesday.”
I nod thoughtfully. “All right. Well, I guess I should get ready. Are the guys still here? I don’t even know what time the bus is leaving.”
“They’re still here,” Reagan answers for me. “I think Adam packed for you.”
“I don’t want to leave you like this,” I say, hugging Sienna.
“I’m okay.”
“You keep saying that.” I close my eyes and inhale.
“One of these times you’re going to believe me.”
28
Rhett
The guys and I hang at the back of the room. It’s packed and so is the hallway outside. Most people I know, or at least recognize. Some I don’t. The sheer volume of people that came should be comforting. It isn’t.
I’ve been in this funeral home before, a bunch of times. Stood in this very spot, sometimes with Carrie, gone through the line, and offered muttered words meant to help, but that I’m sure didn’t. None of those times felt anything like this. She was only twenty-one. It just doesn’t make any sense.
Adam and Mav both insisted on making the trip to Minnesota despite my reassurances they didn’t need to. They flew in this morning, and now that we’re at the visitation, I’m glad they did. They’re providing excellent cover and stopping people from approaching me to offer their sympathy.
As if this situation isn’t awful enough, it’s the first time I’ve been back home since Carrie and I broke up. Everyone is looking at me with these sad, pitying expressions. Clearly, they don’t know that I no longer deserve those glances.
Along the back wall, three tables are pulled together. Collages with pictures of Carrie from when she was a baby to the present fill the poster boards. Many with me. Carrie and I started dating in high school. She was this beautiful, brave girl. She stomped around like nothing scared her, and I was in awe of that. Everyone was. It takes a special kind of person to walk through the halls of high school already knowing who you are and feeling confident enough to be only that. That was Carrie. Confident and fascinating.
“Woah! Is that you?” Mav asks, pointing to a picture of Carrie and me at a high school dance.
She’s in a sparkly dress, her hair curled, arm looped through mine. We were juniors. I was all arms and legs. Scrawny, bad haircut, clothes that my mom probably picked out and forced me to wear so I’d look nice for the dance. I wasn’t exactly shy. It was more that I didn’t care about being cool or fitting in. And I never liked bringing attention to myself outside of hockey. Not that I really needed to worry. If people were looking my way any other time, it was to stare at Carrie.
That uncomfortable, hide-away feeling never really went away until I got to Valley and gained twenty pounds. I still don’t give a fuck about fitting in, but I found my people regardless.
“Yeah, sure is.” I shove both hands in my front pockets to keep myself from running them through my hair, which is styled with gel for a change.
Maverick covers his mouth with a fist as he laughs. “Oh man, are those pleats?”
“We can’t all be as stylish as you were in high school. I’ve seen the photos of your nipple rings,” Adam says and nudges him playfully with an elbow.
Mav scoffs. “Those were awesome, but you wouldn’t have caught me at a school dance. Well, maybe in the parking lot passing around drinks and waiting for girls to get bored of the dance and come ditch with me.”
“Of course,” I say, a quiet chuckle escapes.
We fall silent again. My gaze keeps being drawn back to the front, where Carrie’s family receives condolences. My own family hasn’t arrived yet, but they’ll be here. The whole town will stop by either tonight for the visitation or tomorrow for the funeral.
I shove my hands even deeper in my pockets. I’m gonna rip the seams before the night is over. Guilt seeps from my pores like yesterday’s liquor, leaving my skin clammy. Carrie was on her way to see me, and I blocked her number so I didn’t even know. Did she call? Could I have answered and stopped her?
I know that I couldn’t have prevented the accident but maybe I could have stopped her from getting in the car altogether. Maybe I could have been a goddamn decent human and actually talked to her until she knew it was really over. Maybe I could have prevented the most awful thing to happen to her. Or that will ever happen to her. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
When my parents arrive, my mom wraps me in a big hug. Her eyes are teary, but she holds it together. My dad shakes my hand. Then the guys’, all while wearing his best somber smile.