“Are you sure you’re okay? This is … I mean, I don’t even know what to think. I’ll call Grandma and Grandpa after the show is over and talk to them personally. Don’t let them turn into villains in your mind without knowing the full truth.”
“I’d never do that,” I say, because despite what happened behind the scenes, the Banks were incredible parents to me, and I don’t regret a second of our time spent together.
“We’re still sisters, no matter what,” Maxine tells me, but she doesn’t have to say it for it to be true. I already knew that. “Okay, call me later and check in?” I nod, remember that we’re not on video chat, and then sigh.
“Fine.”
“I love you fierce,” she tells me, and I can’t resist responding in turn. I know my sister won’t let this rest until she’s gotten everyone’s side of the story, thought it over, and come to her own conclusion. As for me, I just feel tired all of a sudden.
“Love you fierce,” I reply and then I hang up, but not without a shred of guilty relief flowing through me.
Even though I know Maxine isn’t at fault for any of this, I just … need a minute to myself.
Chasm is quiet for a while, taking us north toward some place called Gold Bar that looks to be rural as fuck, and we’ve only been in the car for about fifty minutes.
“I’m sure you’d rather I leave you alone,” Chasm starts, and I look back to see him flick a quick glance my way. Something about him seems … off? It takes me a minute to realize that not only is he missing that signature yellow lightning bolt in his hair, but that the piercings on either side of his lips are missing, too. His hair hangs over his ears, covering the plugs, and his signature eye liner is missing. Also, he’s wearing a long-sleeved sweater and khaki slacks, which is completely unlike him. “But I have to at least tell you that you look nice—and completely unlike yourself—today.”
I just keep staring at him.
“Really?” I blurt out, letting that ember in my belly go to flames again. It’s so much easier to just get angry at someone else and act like that’s the real problem when in reality, I have a million of my own issues to work through. “Is that a compliment or an insult? If I look unlike myself today, then you’re a total stranger. What did you do to your hair?”
Chasm cringes as I reach out and tug on the hair near his face, withdrawing my hand and looking down at the black powder covering my fingers.
“I sprayed it with temporary dye,” he says, looking over at me again, this time with an expression of discomfort that does nothing to make him look like the slouchy bad boy I’m used to. Maybe this isn’t Chasm, but Kwang-seon? Just like I’m Mia Patterson instead of Dakota Banks today. That’s how it feels anyway, like I’m wearing somebody’s else skin, somebody else’s life. “My dad doesn’t like colored hair.”
“And your plugs?” I ask, but I don’t wait for him to answer, sweeping back his hair so that I can trace the curve of his ear with my fingertip. The plugs are still there, just hidden. I smile slightly but Chasm bats my way hand away and lets out a huffing sound, cursing at me in Korean again.
“If you need a translation: that means back off. What the hell are you doing? You can’t stroke someone’s ear like that.”
“You grabbed my ass,” I shoot back, but he combs his hair forward to cover his ears anyway.
“My dad’s in town for the week, so I have to look … the way he wants me to look,” Chasm hazards, glancing over at me, like he’s testing me to see how much he can or should reveal. I’m reminded of Tess’ bitchy it’s my body; I made it retort. Chasm’s father must follow a similar thought process. I wonder if he knows about all of the tattoos? Looking over at the back of Chasm’s bare hand on the steering wheel, I guess probably not.
He’s taking a big risk though. It would only take one trip to the lake, one wrong photo posted somewhere on social media, for his dad to find out.
“What about your piercings?” I ask as I wonder if they were fake all along, but Chasm surprises me by smirking in just such a way that his entire face is transformed. That is the real Chasm, and no amount of makeup—or lack thereof, clothing, or hair dye can change that. It isn’t about the way your body looks or what you wear, it’s what’s on the inside that makes you, you.
I look down at the blazer I’m wearing, the one that smells like Chasm, that peppermint and dark chocolate scent that makes my mouth water because I’m a crazy person who smells people to get off.
Despite the clothes, the makeup, the fancy hairstyle the ‘Millennial’ artist gave me, I’m Dakota Banks. I’m Dakota Banks whether my birth certificate, Tess, or the law agree with that. Even if my grandparents lied.
Still, a few spare tears fall and land on the blazer’s lapels, darkening the fabric briefly.
“I use a topical filler,” he says, still smiling like an asshole. It makes me like him just a bit more though. That, and he came to pick me up so damn quick. He must’ve rushed out of wherever he was to get there so fast. And Parrish is the one that called him. Parrish. He grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the studio; he found me an escape; he stayed to deal with Tess.
I definitely owe the bastard one, don’t I? Or maybe we’re just even if you factor in that stupid Tiktok he made …
“A topical filler?” I ask, and I hate that my voice sounds weak with tears. Chasm pretends not to notice, running his finger along the curve of his jaw.
“Yep. I have a friend who’s an actor; he showed me a video of his makeup artist using it on his own facial piercings for a casting call. I waited until my dad was out of town on a business trip, so I’d have time to heal and just … did it.” He grins even bigger, gaze focused out the windshield as rain begins to fall, thick and heavy on the roof of the car. “I almost shit my pants when he came home, and I tried the filler for the first time; I was sure he’d be able to tell.”
“Of course you have a friend who’s an actor,” I murmur with a roll of my eyes, but I’m already looking up videos of the topical filler he’s telling me about. Hot damn. I’ll admit: I’m impressed. It seems like you take a bit of clear silicone-like stuff and colored foundation, mix them together, and apply it. A rubber pad is laid over the top until it dries, leaving the skin whole and clear. “I didn’t even know something like this existed.”
“Neither does my dad,” Chasm says with a dark laugh, turning into a gravel road and then winding us through a thicket of trees. “Nobody’s renting the cabin tonight, so it should be empty …”
He seems to be mostly talking to himself, so I don’t bother responding. Instead, I stare down at my phone—which is still on silent, because Jesus Christ it’s blowing up—and see that Tess has messaged me.
The show is over. If you have your phone, now is the time to admit it. I’ll also be calling Chasm.
I delete her message and when Chasm’s screen lights up with an incoming call from her, I pick it up without asking, and reject it. He glances my way but doesn’t stop me.
What can she possibly do to me that’ll hurt more than what she’s already done? She already stripped me of my old life and forced me into a new one that I didn’t want. Ground me, Tess. Take my electronics away … oh, wait, you already fucking did that.