“Everly.” His hand around my arm draws in the gazes from everyone around us. I smile at them and pull my arm away carefully. “I meant what I said last night. It’s over—”
“In the car.”
This only makes him walk faster until we’re slamming the doors, enclosing ourselves in silence. I start the car, pushing the ignition, and he grabs my hand, making me look him in the eye. He doesn’t need to say anything because I know what he wants. Already, Cullen can read me like a book. Maybe he always could.
Without prolonging this anymore than I have to, I glare at him and say, “Your father was pardoned. He’s out of prison.”
Silence fills the car as he stares at me without a shred of expression on his face. He barely even blinks, but I see the subtle change in his features, the way his lips tighten, his nostrils flare, his eyes squint.
I want to reach out, touch him, but I’m too afraid to move.
“Say something,” I whisper.
“Just drive.” His voice is so cold and emotionless it sends a chill down my spine. I’ve seen this Cullen before, dead behind his eyes like he’s already given up on everyone and everything. It was eight years ago, the day his life was ruined.
18
Cullen
My vision is red, hazy with so much rage I can’t focus. She keeps glancing my way as if she’s afraid of what I might do, and I guess she should be because it feels like eight years of built-up hate is bubbling out of me like boiling water. I’m going to explode, combust, destroy something or someone in a blazing inferno, and I can’t promise she’ll be safe.
I should go home. I should have her take me home right now so I can cool down. That would be the smart thing, but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. I need to be around Everly like she’s oxygen, and I’d suffocate without her. It’s ridiculous, and it has nothing to do with revenge anymore. It’s something completely different, something I didn’t see coming.
“Please talk to me,” she whispers, and it’s the solemn plea in her voice that shakes me out of my rage-induced trance.
“I just need to think.”
“Think about what?”
“What I’m going to do next, I guess.”
As she pulls into her driveway, she puts the car into park and turns toward me. With her hands firmly in her lap instead of on me where I want them, she says, “Cullen, there’s nothing to do. You don’t have to see him or contact him or anything. Just live your life and forget about him.”
“It’s not that easy,” I mutter, staring forward, afraid if I let her look into my eyes she’ll see the monster hiding within.
“Listen,” she says, finally reaching out to put a hand on my arm. The moment her skin touches mine, a part of me sours, as if being reminded of her softness, her perfection, the strength that burns inside her, only reminds me that I’m so incredibly not perfect. I am broken, so shattered by the idea of revenge I could never be good enough for Everly West. All of this time, I was so hyper focused on controlling her because it was the only way I could assert my dominance over her. I was making up for all of the ways she was better than me, and it was so fucking unfair to her.
I needed somewhere to direct this fury, and she was the only one available. Until now. Now I have someone else, and maybe once I serve him the justice he deserves, I’ll be complete again. Not until he’s truly felt the pain I’ve felt every day for the past eight years will I be able to rest. Then, I can focus on being the person Everly needs.
All the lies I fed myself yesterday about needing to cut ties with Everly was bullshit.
Without warning, her hands are on my face, turning me until our eyes are locked. I squeeze mine shut for a moment until her lips are pressed against mine. Then she’s peppering my face in warm, soft kisses and it still feels so wrong. I am a stain, and she is perfect crisp white linens. I will only ruin her, but I don’t stop her. I let her pull me closer.
“Please open your eyes and look at me.”
“I can’t.”
There is the sound of rustling, a seatbelt being unclipped, and then her weight settles on my lap as she straddles me in the passenger seat. With her knees pressed firmly at my sides, she pulls my body as close to hers as she can, burying her face in my neck, not seeming to care that I’m covered in dried sweat and probably smell horrible. Everly will overlook everything for me, and it almost makes me irate to think about. The way I’ve treated her, the way I don’t fit in her life, the way I look, the things people will think. She’s opened her heart to me, and I don’t understand why. Guilt? Because she still feels bad for what she’s done to me?
When she pulls her head off my shoulder, she kisses me again.
“You haven’t done anything wrong, Cullen. You don’t need to do anything but come inside and take a shower with me. We can order some food and sit in our pajamas on the couch and then you can let me make you feel good. Okay? Doesn’t that sound nice?”
It sounds fucking wonderful, and I wish I could do that. I wish I could relax and just let myself be with this perfect woman, but I can’t. Not while he’s out there, roaming free without consequences for what he’s done to my family and thousands of others.
When I finally open my eyes, I stare at her. “You know what he did, Everly.”
“It’s not up to you to make him pay for that. I know what you’re thinking right now, and I’m begging you to just come inside with me.” Her hands are still firmly on my cheeks, and her face is only inches from mine.
“What am I thinking then?” I decide it’s time to lay out all my cards so she knows exactly the kind of person I am, so she knows before she lets herself get any more attached to me, which I realize is my fault in the first place. “You saw what I was capable of with you, and I never hated you quite as much as I hate him.”
She lets out a shuddering breath. “I know you want to hurt him, Cullen. I’m afraid I know how much you want to hurt him, but I’m telling you right now, that won’t bring your mother back. It won’t put back together the pieces of your life.”
My jaw clenches at the mention of my mother. It’s not about bringing her back. It’s about making him feel what I feel.
She gives me a subtle shake, drawing my attention back to her. “But this life isn’t bad. You and me in that house, together. Don’t ruin this, please, Cullen. What we have is the best thing I’ve had, and I don’t care how it started or how crazy I sound for loving this, but I can’t bear to lose you already. I know one day you’ll move on from me—I can live with that, you’re still so young, but I’m not ready to lose you. I just got you.”
My brow furrows at her words and I stare at her. My hands roam her back as I pull her closer. “What makes you think I would ever want anyone else?”
“I won’t lie to myself, Cullen. You’re eighteen. I’m thirty-two. You have your whole life ahead of you. I don’t expect you to stay forever.”
I genuinely do not understand this woman. How could she possibly think that age plays any part in this? Like because of my age I am any less obsessed with her. This time I take her face, squeezing her cheeks and pressing my lips to hers. Then, I pull away and hold our foreheads together, looking her in the eye. “You are so stupid, Everly.”