“And I’m your daughter. Me and you against the world, Mama.”
“Zoey, I think the world needs you with your light more than I need you now. You need to let go of the darkness. Forgive me for it and move on. Let yourself shine again.”
One tear slipped down my face as she said the words. I’d held myself in for so long, I wasn’t even sure she’d noticed. Maybe I hadn’t really noticed either. The extra layers of clothing, the baggy pants, my muted personality—it was all a way to ensure I didn’t draw unwanted attention ever again.
I wasn’t sure if my working at Sun Village’s bar was the reason my mother hit rock bottom, but I didn’t want to chance it. Even if I wasn’t the reason, I had enabled her for a very long time.
I sniffled and tilted my head up toward the ceiling in an attempt to keep from bawling like a baby. “I don’t know if I can shine like that anymore.”
“Have you tried?” She pushed one of my wavy strands behind my ear and placed her palm on my cheek. “Have you let yourself have fun at school?”
“I’m just focused on getting my degree and making sure I don’t have a ton of loans so that we can—”
“Zoey, stop thinking about everything in terms of us. I’m fine.” She repeated and spread her arms out. “My office job pays my bills. My group helps keep me sane. My therapist is showing me new ways to cope. I’m your mother, let me be that and stop worrying about me.”
“I’ll always worry.” I sighed and scratched my forehead as I looked out the window and around her house again. “Things look really great here, Mom.”
“Don’t sound so surprised. I’m capable of all this and more, you know. It’s been two years.” She smiled at me and then winked. “How’s your apartment and the campus bookstore job?”
I still hadn’t shared that the bookstore job vanished like a thief into the night last week. I didn’t need her to worry. “Mr. Tabby and I are doing fine.”
She poked me in the shoulder. “Nice evasion. You’re not looking me in the eye though. What’s going on?”
I heaved out a long sigh and abandoned the dining room for the living room couch. “Lost the job and am temping right now.”
“What? You didn’t tell me that! Why didn’t you just come home, and we could have looked into the community—”
“Mom! Honestly, the community college gets me a two-year degree. I know you think it’ll work out great, but I want the bachelor’s. If I throw in the towel, you’ll be the first to know.”
She sat down next to me and let her head rest on my shoulder. “I know I’m being selfish. You should stay, tough it out, and live it up there. Mr. Tabby probably loves his apartment.”
I smiled and leaned my head on top of hers. “I think he likes everything except my temp job,” I admitted, testing the words to see if the idea would stick. “It’s at a bar. And I think I might like it. Probably a little too much.”
She didn’t act surprised or jump up and dance with joy. She nodded and patted my leg. “You’ll figure it out. You always do. And I recommend that when you do, you figure out your wardrobe with it.”
Her blunt honesty about my drab look had me giggling. We laughed well into the night, and I decided to stay over after realizing the bus wasn’t running that late. I’d catch the earliest one and hope to get to class on time.
When I checked my phone to set my alarm, I saw a text from Cole.
Cole: Laptop’s good as new. Want me to send a pic?
Me: I believe you. Can you bring it to class tomorrow?
Cole: No. I’ll have it at the bar this weekend for your shift.
Me: I need it for notes.
Cole: You’ve been taking notes in a notebook just fine.
I growled at his assessment. The man was infuriating and endearing at the same time. I knew he wanted me to work out at Heathen’s. We’d all gotten along so well, and it probably was in his nature to never leave anyone in a bind.
It all made sense now after hearing his story. He took those who needed help under his wing and didn’t let them out of his sight. He’d learned the hard way that he never wanted to be responsible for that again.
Except, I wasn’t under his care.
He didn’t have to worry about me, and not every damsel in distress was his responsibility.
Did he know that? Did he give himself any leeway?
Me: What if I told you I’ll still work even if you bring my laptop to class?
My heart thumped as I typed the words but my mother’s perception of me tonight was too close to the truth. I’d impersonated someone I wasn’t for much too long. The clothes I wore every day were always too hot, my skin itched from all the layers, and my mouth was bursting with a ton of things to say to the strangers nearby.
I wanted to try to embrace myself again. If I failed, then I’d at least tried. The first step to healing was getting out there again. It had to be. Staying holed up and pretending to be someone who wasn’t me wasn’t working.
Cole: I don’t believe you.
Me: How can I make you believe me?
Cole: This feels like a trick question or probably one I’ll end up answering wrong.
I bit my lip, thinking of all the things I could do to prove I wasn’t going to back out of the job. One came to mind and before I could stop myself, I typed it out.
Me: I enjoyed watching you with her. I should be embarrassed, but if I come across you two again on my next shift, I don’t think I’ll look away.
Cole: Jesus Christ, woman. You can have your laptop and mine for all I care.
Me: Good night, Cole.
Cole: I’ll leave it alone for now, but I’m not forgetting that. Not ever, Ladybug.
6
Cole
We had two more classes together and another week went by. She didn’t say a word about the text message but bothered me incessantly about her laptop every time I saw her.
I purposely left it at my house. It was my only damn leverage to keep her coming back to talk to me.
And I needed that because something was different about her.
No, everything was different about her. The woman talked with more confidence, looked every person straight in the eye, and held her head high instead of looking down throughout the whole week.
She tapped me on the shoulder before class started and extended her hand palm up. “It’s been a week. You’ve been promising it every single time I see you. Today’s the day, Cole. Laptop, sir?”
Most people looked my way on campus when I interacted with someone. I was popular enough. I knew I ran in those circles.
Today, every person’s head did a double take for a completely different reason. There stood my car wreck, completely made over. She looked like a shiny Lamborghini, and she revved her engine for the attention too.
Her wavy hair was down, shining all these dark layers that framed her face and accentuated her bone structure. and She’d done something to make everything pop more. Her eyes looked even larger, her lashes darker. Some magical makeup combination now made her look like an innocent, doe-eyed doll with pillowy lips that would feel good as hell sucking me dry.