“At least it’s finished, and you can move on knowing you did everything you possibly could.”
I grunt. “When did you become so philosophical?”
He rubs his chin in thought. “Probably my third time through AA.”
I bite my bottom lip, trying not to laugh.
“You can laugh, that was funny.” He hooks an arm around my neck and pulls me into a hug. “Now, I gotta go to work, but a little birdy told me it’s your grandma’s bingo day. Maybe your muse is hiding amongst the old ladies?”
My muse isn’t at bingo. Yes, I know how pathetic it is that I crashed Gran’s bingo night, but it isn’t like I was painting, and Chloe thought it was a great idea, although seeing her now, I know why.
She stamps my card with her bingo marker. “Girl, are you even paying attention?” she asks.
The brim of her plastic red visor pokes me in the forehead and I groan. “I didn’t realize you’d be so into this.”
“The girl is here almost every week,” Gran grunts. She’s got her Crazy Cat Lady shirt on, and I kick myself for wearing a basic white tee instead of my Cats are better than people shirt. “I thought with you in town our bingo night could go back to us talking about church gossip, but no, you had to go and drag her back.”
“Admit it, Mrs. Velma, you love it when I force y’all to watch TikTok videos,” Chloe chirps.
The announcer calls another number and the table goes quiet while everyone checks their card. This time, it’s Gran who marks my card for me. “Do you really not know how this works?”
I sigh. “I’m sorry I’m so distracted...I—”
“Lost your muse, we know,” the two ladies sitting at our table, Mrs. Gwen and Mrs. Louise, say in unison.
I can’t help but chuckle. “Sorry for being a buzz kill.” The next number is called and this time I check my card, but no such luck.
The first game ends with a woman from a neighboring table shouting Bingo, and everyone around me groans. “What?” I ask.
Chloe leans into my side. “That’s Ms. Clementine. Rumor has it, she’s sleeping with Deacon Mayfield.”
“Rumor?” Gran arches a brow. “I saw them sneaking out of the usher’s office last Sunday during service. I got up to pee and nearly got an eyeful.”
I nearly choke from laughing as the next game starts. Chloe gets a text and slides her phone in my direction. “Aaron says they’re hanging at The Grove tonight, should be cool.”
I shake my head. “I promised Dad we’d watch Jeopardy and order pizza.”
“Lame,” Gran says, and Mrs. Louise pretends to fall asleep.
“When we were your age, we hardly missed a Saturday night at the park. It was the only time I could see my Beau, rest his soul.” Mrs. Gwen smiles fondly at the memory.
“Ohh, your daddy hated him,” Gran recalls. She’s got a cat that ate the canary grin on her face, and it warms my whole heart thinking about what kind of person she was at my age.
“He came around, eventually. Beau Jr. had a lot to do with it.” The three women cackle at some inside joke between them.
“They’re right, you know,” Chloe says, marking B6 off two of her cards. “Your dad will understand, plus, Reese will be there.”
I haven’t told Chloe about how I’m kissing Devin. I don’t think it’s a secret, but that doesn’t mean I’m eager to share with the class. Mostly because it's pathetic…isn’t it? I mean, he’s in full on spiral mode over some other girl, and here I am pining over one emotionally unavailable boy when there’s a perfectly good one, who, for some reason, likes me.
“And who’s this Reese?” Gran stares at me from over the rim of her glasses.
“He’s just this boy—”
“This totally hot boy who is totally into Roni,” Chloe clarifies.
Gran purses her lips. “I kinda always thought you’d end up with the Tedesco boy.”
“Really? Why do you say that?” I ask, leaning in on my elbow. Gran has always had this weird sixth sense about things and her advice hasn’t failed yet. Even when Daddy had his bad days, Gran was always there, reassuring me that things would get better. When he was really bad, she’d even send me birthday cards and Christmas gifts and sign his name. I could tell her handwriting from his, but I never told I knew. This woman is the epitome of grace under fire, and I’ll be lucky if I’m ever half the woman she is.
“That boy’s been there and been loyal to you since you were born. That kind of connection is magic, and magic always finds a way of shinin’ through darkness.”
Roni, age 9
I stare up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling. My eyes sting from crying so much, but I can’t fall asleep. It’s like every time my body tries, I remember the note and that Momma won’t be here in the morning when I get up for school, and I start crying all over again.
I know Daddy said it isn’t my fault she left, but I don’t believe him. They only fought about money, and they had to waste so much of it on me. Maybe if I didn’t need so much stuff, or maybe if I didn’t grow so fast, they’d have more money. Gran always says life is too short to worry about maybes and what ifs, but it’s true. I’m the burden Momma never asked for.
Tears well in my eyes for the millionth time tonight and I slap my hands over my lips to keep quiet. Every time I start crying Daddy comes rushing in and it’s too late for him to be fussing over me like I’m a baby. I’m a big girl now. I can calm myself down. I just have to breathe. I count to ten in my head and move my hand from my mouth. The tears still leak from the corners of my eyes but no sound comes from my lips. “Relax, Roni,” I whisper. Daddy has to work in the morning, and I don’t want him to be tired because I’m a cry baby.
I turn on my side and stare out the window. I don’t know how long I lay there before I hear the glass slide up and I see the small shadow slip inside the dark room. I watch as he makes his way over towards my bed.
“Roni,” Devin calls out into the darkness. “You up?”
I nod even though I know it’s too dark for him to see me, but I’m afraid to speak. I don’t want him to know I’ve been crying because then he’s going to ask why, and I don’t know if I’m brave enough to say it out loud, even to my best friend.
He lifts the covers and I scoot over so he can slide in next to me. “Mind if I crash here for a bit?” he asks. I nod again. This time I think he sees me because he settles onto his back. “Your stars are losing their shine.”
I roll to my back too. My chest hurts. I think finding that note left a hole inside me, but Devin being here, being Devin helps more than I thought it would.
We lay in the darkness, both of us quiet for so long that if I didn’t know any better, I’d think he’d fallen asleep. “Momma and Daddy are going for a new record tonight,” he confesses. “I thought they were going to scream the walls down.”
I figured as much. It’s kind of our routine when my parents are fighting, I escape to his house, and when his parents start going at it, he escapes to mine.