I confess that the memory has not lost its nauseating quality. I confess that I don’t know what will happen if we do this. I confess that I am afraid, I am fucking afraid, that Caroline has taken it from me permanently. That even with my pain conquered, I’ll still be wounded. Broken.
“I was powerless,” I tell her. There is no greater sin for a Morelli than to be powerless. Admitting it is probably the greatest risk I’ve ever taken.
Haley presses a kiss to my shoulder. “Not anymore.”
I lift myself up so I can see her face. She’s watching me with such love in her eyes. More than I’ll ever deserve. She lets me look into that perfect blue until my breathing settles.
And then she arches underneath me, stretching her body, resetting us.
She takes one of my hands away from where I’m stroking her hair.
Haley puts it around her throat. She locks both hands around my wrist and pulls my arm down toward her until I’m the one controlling the pressure. Until I’m rock hard inside her. Until she’s squirming on my cock. Beginning to fight the grip on her throat a little. Beginning to need more air.
“Like this,” she manages.
Fresh, animal desire explodes over me. The need to fuck her takes over every muscle, including my throbbing, unsteady heart. I feel huge above her. Solid. Strong against her softness.
I roll over onto my back, taking Haley with me.
I brace for pain before I can override the old habit, but none comes. Not physical pain. Not nerve pain. I land on soft sheets. On a firm mattress.
No pain, but my lungs get smaller, not drawing in enough air. My heart races. My vision sharpens. My body prepares to get me the fuck out of this situation. Get me away from the torture I know is coming. The shame.
Except it’s Haley.
For all my body knows this is dangerous, this is wrong, it also knows she is right. She’s the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen. More beautiful for the way she lets me choke her while she rides my cock. I was afraid her body in this position would force me into an old memory but I shouldn’t have been. I should have trusted that I know her. I’ve felt her. I want her.
I need her. Like this. Now.
My heart tries to take flight again, but I focus on her. On the squeeze of her muscles around me. On her big blue eyes, staying on mine because she knows how much I love it. She knows how much I love to see her cry. I pinch one of her nipples until she does cry, then the other, her pussy clenching over and over.
The ghost of that powerlessness comes again.
But there’s Haley, panting in my grip, her body given over to mine. Sacrificed to mine.
It whispers in my ear.
Haley moans, her hands rising to hold my wrist, but she can’t stop me. She does not want to stop me. From causing her pain. And pleasure. She puts herself wholly in my hands.
That sick, terrified feeling shrinks down into a shell of itself. It’s no match for her sweet cunt around my cock. It’s no match for the silvery tears that streak down her cheeks. It’s no match for me, as long as I have her. We’re stronger together.
It is less and less and less and then, between one thrust and the next, between one whimpered moan and the next, I let it go.
It’s gone.
I angle her closer in so she has to work for it. So she has to brace her fingertips against my chest and pray for control. I bring her all the way down so I can sink my teeth into her earlobe. “You’re going to fuck me with that sweet cunt until you’re dripping with my cum, darling. I won’t touch your clit until I feel it on your thighs. You don’t get to come before then.”
“No,” she moans. “Please. Touch me now.”
“You can have my hand on your throat. Try harder than that. Don’t make me wait.”
I keep my hand on her windpipe, her pulse moving through my fingertips, as Haley struggles. Against my hand. Against her body. It’s hard for her to find the rhythm, and once she does, I make it harder. I make her force herself down on me every time. I take a little air away every time she falters.
It feels so fucking good. Gravity is on her side, and for once, it’s on my side, too. I can give myself over completely to the sensation of her cunt without worrying about holding myself away from anything.
The harder she works, the wetter she gets. Her slickness only increases the longer I hold her throat in my hand. She’s fucking me hard, she’s fucking magnificent, when she starts to cry harder.
“I’m going to come,” she sobs. “Please let me.”
“Fuck, darling. If you come now, you know what I’ll have to do.”
“Punish,” she says. That’s all she can get out.
“Yes.”
Haley locks eyes with me. I have one hand on her throat, my fingertips in her hair, I have her so close to me. I have all I need.
She comes like I’d coaxed it from her clit myself, her cunt clenching hard, and it is sheer, aching pleasure. Her body won’t accept anything less from me than it’s giving, and it winds up my orgasm and drags it out of me. Haley’s thighs are sticky with me by the time I’m done filling her.
My darling falls forward with shaking hands that she runs over my face, my lips, my jaw. “Mine,” I tell her. “You’re fucking mine. Say it.”
Her smile is a lopsided, fucking adorable thing. “Yours,” she breathes.
There’s nothing to stop me. Not now. Not ever. I roll us over, spread her wide, and start again.
Chapter Thirty-One
Daphne
My brother’s getting married today. My favorite brother. And I know, I know. I’ve watched it happen. I’ve lived in his house while the wedding planning went on. He and Haley are perfect for one another. I thought she was maybe too sweet and too shy before, but what do I know?
Not that much. For instance, I didn’t know that Leo still went to church. Not only that, but he basically owns one. And that’s where he’s getting married today. St. Thomas’s.
“Does he just like people named Thomas?” I ask Haley as she stands in her dress, glowing in front of the full-length mirror in the bridal suite. It’s busy in here, but she is quiet and pink-cheeked and gorgeous. Her sister is here, and my sisters are here. Even my parents came, though my father’s half-drunk and my mother sits on the opposite end of the pew from him. “Leo’s favorite driver is named Thomas. And then there’s this church.”
Haley laughs. I’m doing up the laces on her wedding gown. It took both me and Eva to get it over her head without disturbing her makeup. “I honestly think it’s just a coincidence,” she says. “Though people do tend to go for what’s familiar.”
“Are you excited?”
Her cheeks get redder. “I’ve never been more excited for anything. But—” Haley peeks around behind her, at the room full of women who are here to help her. “I wish my mom was here.”
Daphne’s eyes soften. “I’m sorry. How long ago did she pass away?”
“I was turning twelve, so I remember a lot about her. The color of her hair. The way she would hug me. But there aren’t many photos of her. She was always the one taking photos. My father could never remember to do it, so there aren’t many of them.”