A wave of dizziness washed over me. I closed my eyes and swallowed down the urge and the memories, and when I opened them again, all that remained was a dull nausea.
“Not stupid,” I said, because I felt the need to answer her somehow. “Just stubborn.”
She rolled her eyes, but without any real hostility now. “A lot of the time those seem to be the same thing.” She shifted the cloth against her face and winced. “If you’re done with the interrogation, I’d really rather look after this alone.”
“Right. Of course.” I didn’t have any reason to hang around watching her. Lord only knew how hard it’d been for her to make her own confession to me.
Coming out of the bathroom, I should have turned toward the third-floor stairs, but my feet had ideas of their own. A tug in my chest drew me over to the grand staircase and down, then out under the dark sky with its mix of clouds and stars.
The cold grass nipped at my socked feet. I darted around the building to the shed.
The cot was still there where I’d left it. I sank onto it and pulled the ratty blanket up over me. The hint of Cade’s scent tickled into my nose.
When I closed my eyes, I could almost feel his arms around me, like in our secret place in the backyard, like careening on his sled, like the last time he’d really hugged me more than a year ago.
I’m going to find you, I promised him silently as my mind drifted toward sleep. I won’t let them make you pay for what I did.
Chapter Eighteen
Elias
I’d thought this moment through with all the consideration I’d given my business plans back in the day, but my pulse still hitched when I spotted Trix walking out of her classroom. I ambled over to join her, aiming to look casual more for the benefit of anyone watching than hers. She hadn’t spoken to me since the day she’d confronted me on the lawn, hadn’t appeared to pay me any attention at all, so I assumed she’d written me off as a lost cause.
How much could I blame her after the way I’d acted?
“Beatrix,” I said, pitching my voice just loud enough to carry over the murmurs in the hall as other students meandered toward their next destinations, but not so loud as to draw excessive attention.
She looked back and stopped when she saw me, her fingers curling around the sleeves of her leather jacket. I couldn’t read anything in her expression other than suspicion. I supposed I deserved that too.
“Yes, Elias?” she said as I caught up with her, with a tightness to her tone that suggested she still felt a little awkward calling any supposed teacher by their first name.
My hands were halfway to the lapels of my suit jacket before I caught the nervous impulse to tug it straight, as if it could get much straighter. “I was hoping you’d take a quick walk with me,” I said. “We didn’t end our last conversation on the best note. I’d like to try to make up for that.”
Her skepticism warred with curiosity on her face. I could tell curiosity had won when a gleam came into her light green eyes. “Fine,” she said. “Where are we walking?”
I motioned for her to follow me down the stairs. It was as gloomy as ever outside, but I felt less observed out there rather than inside, constricted by the school building’s walls.
The damp breeze penetrated my suit in an instant. Trix zipped up her jacket and tucked her hair behind her ears. She was wearing her skirt today, paired with those combat boots in the perfect picture of defiance. When the pleats fluttered in the breeze, I had to make a conscious effort not to admire her leggings-clad thighs.
I drifted on a diagonal course toward the spot where the wall disappeared into the woods. “You wanted me to tell you what I know. I’m afraid there isn’t a lot I can say, but I should have been more willing to help before. I’m sorry about that.”
She slung her hands in the pockets of her jacket and looked at me with half a smile. “You admit that you were going out of your way to avoid me, then? What was that all about? I wouldn’t have badgered you at all if you’d just treated me like all the other students.”
As I probably should have realized. But it was better that I’d fucked up, because my fuck-up and her calling me on it had forced me to see that steering clear of her wasn’t the right approach after all. Not for the man I wanted to be now.
“It’s complicated,” I said. “Can we leave it at that?”
“No, I don’t think so. What’s so complicated? You hardly even know me.”
“Well, I…” I groped for a suitable answer. “You remind me of someone else. Someone with whom I regret my past interactions. If I’m being honest, I was worried I’d end up falling into the same pattern.”
“So, you blamed me for your past mistakes. Very nice.” She narrowed her eyes at me. “What kind of ‘pattern’ are we—”
The breeze shifted with a sudden gust, and she had to swipe at her skirt to stop it from flipping upward. I jerked my gaze from there to her face, but the look of consternation she’d made was so familiar it sent a twinge through my chest too.
She glanced back at me a second too soon and must have caught some of that emotion in my expression. I yanked my attention away, to the trees ahead of us, but I couldn’t contain a hard swallow that might have been audible.
Trix tsked under her breath. “Have you been fraternizing with the students more than you’re supposed to?”
Yes and no. “I’m not really— It’s not the same,” I said. “I ended up here the same way as pretty much everyone else.”
“Then why do they have you teaching a class?”
“Because…” Answering that question was even harder.
But Trix must have seen and heard enough by now to fill in the blanks, especially with my hesitation. Her eyes widened with understanding. “Is that your punishment? Teaching a bizarro math class? I’d give you my sympathies, but from what I’ve seen, it could be a lot worse.”
“It is,” I found I was able to say, perhaps more momentously than I’d have preferred to if I’d known the words would actually come out. When I made myself turn to Trix again, she was studying me with that gaze that saw so much more than I should have wanted it to.
“That’s not all they’re doing to you,” she filled in.
I didn’t answer, which was probably answer enough. She sucked her lower lip under her teeth to worry at it, and my eyes were automatically drawn to the movement. She caught that slip too.
“I remind you of a girl you liked,” she said, stopping and peering up at me. “Enough that it scared you. Am I less scary now that you’ve seen I’m not her? Is that why we’re having this talk?”
I hesitated. “You remind me of her because of the ways you’re the same. And what scares me is thinking that you could meet the same fate she did. I’m still scared of that. If I can stop it from happening, I’ll do whatever I can.”
“This is about seeing me as some pathetic thing in need of saving, then.”
A laugh sputtered out of me. “No. Not at all. Pathetic is the last word I’d use to describe you.”
She considered me a moment longer. Then she stepped closer, setting her hand on my arm. Letting her fingers trail over the smooth fabric of the suit’s sleeve. Watching my reaction with absolute intentness. The pressure of her touch only seeped faintly through my clothes, but that contact combined with her closeness was enough to spark a tingling that shot straight to my groin.