Not that I’d helped him that day.
But maybe tonight? Perhaps tonight, I could finally help him.
He’d remembered something, I was sure of it.
He’d been on the brink.
He’d pushed me away because something had changed inside him.
I’d felt it.
And if I didn’t find him tonight—if I didn’t push...then it was over.
I didn’t know how I knew that, but it wasn’t false or fancy. I had a soul-deep conviction that Kas had reached a point of no return. He’d touched me as if he was saying goodbye, all while he bound me to him forever. He’d been full of inconsistency and defiance.
I would’ve given anything for him to speak to me.
To kiss me, whisper to me, confess everything that was slowly killing him inside.
I flinched.
When he’d seen the video of my brother, I thought he’d snap.
I’d been so close to grabbing the letter opener to protect myself if he suddenly regressed back into the man I’d first met. But then he’d become utterly engrossed with a silly home movie full of sibling teasing and idiocy. His face had gone stark with vibrant jealousy. His hands had gripped my recorder so hard, the plastic cracked in warning. He’d shown so much of his loneliness.
My heart had torn in two as he’d tripped up and away from me when the video had ended. He’d watched me, and I hadn’t needed him to speak. I’d already known. I’d known he blamed himself that I laughed differently with my brother. He cursed himself because I’d lived a life that he’d only just understood. He saw me happy when the entire time we’d been together, I’d been stretched to my limit, living on self-preservation mode, and stressed with new feelings.
I was freer with Joshua because he was my blood. I knew him. I didn’t know Kas on the same level of intimacy. We’d only just crossed the chasm from enemies to friends.
Yet he’d acted as if he’d give his very soul for a chance at that level of connection.
And God, I wanted to give it to him.
That was why I’d begged him to take me. Why I’d wanted him to slip inside me in the very same room where he’d taken me against my will. I wanted to replace bad with good. I wanted to show him I was strong enough to, not only forgive, but to move on and find happiness where there had once only been pain.
I slammed to a stop.
Oh, no.
Perhaps that was what he’d remembered when his eyes had glazed over, and he’d fallen to the floor with an agonizing grunt?
Had he remembered that night? The way he’d taken me as I’d screamed at him to stop?
But if he had...surely, he’d remembered what happened next?
The way I’d rocked on his lap.
The way he’d washed my hair and made me come on his hand.
The way we’d shared pieces of ourselves in the bath.
I swiped my hair back, wrenching it into a ponytail as despair filled me. I didn’t think he’d remembered it all. If he had, why had his body been so distraught? How had he ended up on all fours trying to be sick?
Why had he looked at me as if he wanted it all to stop?
He’d looked like a man who’d reached his limit.
A man who would rather choose death instead of fighting to exist in a world he could no longer survive in.
More panic flooded my veins.
No.
Surely, he wouldn’t—
“Kas!” I threw myself forward into a run. “Kas, please! Answer me!”
I picked up speed as the memory of his voice echoed in my head. “Pack your bag, Gemma Ashford. We’re done here. I want you gone in the morning.” It hadn’t been like any threat he’d given before.
This one had given no room for argument, discussion, or sway.
He’d meant it.
Tomorrow, he would find a way to make me go even though I’d chosen him over anyone else. Tomorrow, he would do whatever it took to get me to leave, and I honestly feared what he’d do if I disagreed.
How far would he go to ensure I left?
And why did he suddenly want me gone after weeks of ultimatums that I belonged to him, that I owed him, that I was now his in every way?
He needed me to stay.
He needed my help to gather enough food for winter.
If he didn’t, he would either starve or freeze or—
Dammit, Kas, what the hell are you thinking?
I balled my hands and ducked past a tree, hopping in pain as a stick stabbed my foot. I jumped as a raccoon bolted through the undergrowth, its wide eyes reflecting the moon as the giant silver disc finally popped out from behind a cloud, granting much-needed illumination.
My heart chugged in my chest. My pulse pounded in every fingertip. I glanced left and right, wishing I knew how to track a person, desperate for a torch to light a path.
“Kas!” I yelled at the stars. “You can’t just disappear! We need to talk about this!”
My ears strained for a rustle or hint of him being close by.
A hoot of an owl was my only reply.
Striding onward, I grabbed a handful of my nightgown as it stuck to small bushes, heading deeper into the forest.
A chill ran down my spine as I drew closer to the bare piece of land where nothing grew and the aura of death never left.
Bypassing it, I kept going, occasionally stopping to listen.
I didn’t know how long I walked, searching for a man I didn’t truly understand, padding beneath moonlight instead of being safely tucked up in bed.
A deer bounded out of the thicket as I switched my walk for a jog again, bracing myself against the rough ground.
“Kas, please!” I kept running, slipping out the trees and back into the long grass lining the river.
The blueness of its water seemed silver-black, glossy in deep areas, and white frothed in the shallows. I strained my eyes along the bank, searching for him.
Would he come out here to think?
Was this a spot where he could find peace after a decade of living in that mansion?
Nothing.
Goosebumps sprang over my arms, raising the tiny hairs at the back of my neck as I kept going, tracking deeper into the valley than I had since arriving.
The cave loomed up ahead.
The same one I’d longed to explore.
Would he have gone in there?
Where did it lead?
A stitch flared in my side as I switched my jog for a run. I gritted my teeth as my poor feet gave in to cuts and bruises, wincing as pebbles replaced earth debris as I drew closer to the gaping maw of the cave.
It was so much bigger up close. Imposing and dank, an eerie, musty breeze coming from within.
I halted as I rubbed my arms, another chill running through me.
A soft sound echoed deep within the cave’s belly.
A footstep. A small rock rolling from being displaced.
My heart leaped.
“Kas?” Inching forward, I narrowed my eyes, trying to see into the pitch black. The flutter of bats sounded overhead as I traded valley for stone.
The noise came again, drawing me deeper.
I looked over my shoulder, back to the river, back to the moonlight.
I should really go back to the house. I needed shoes and illumination.
I needed to be smart about this. If Kas had gone this way, I couldn’t hope to follow him in my current state.
But if I left now, would I ever find him again?
Perhaps, he’d chosen not to evict me but to evict himself? To just bolt into the National Park that’d swallowed him whole for so many years and let it finally have him.