“Amber, how are you feeling?” Grace asked, and a seriousness fell over the room.
“I feel okay—a little tired and a little sore, but that’s to be expected.” Amber gave Emma more noodles and kissed her head.
Pepper’s brows knitted. “You’ve gone through so many changes the past couple of weeks. It’s not surprising that you had a breakthrough seizure.”
“Nobody gets much sleep when they’re in a new relationship,” Trixie said. “If you’re not making out, you’re thinking about making out or reliving things you’ve done or said together. Sleep is just not a priority.”
There was a murmur of agreement.
“Plus, you had the signing to deal with.” Jillian tucked her mahogany hair behind her ear, leaning closer to the screen. “That’s a lot for anyone.”
“Are you worried about having more seizures?” Grace asked.
It took everything Amber had to admit the truth, because saying it aloud made it real. “Yes. It’s been so long since I’ve had one, and I got used to not having them. The seizure really threw me off, and I hate that it happened at Dash’s signing. And not just any signing, but his very first signing of his writing career. Do you have any idea what it’s like to wake up from a seizure and not know what happened? To see everyone looking at you with a mixture of worry and fear? Or to realize that you’ve peed yourself in front of your boyfriend and a crowd of people? I swear I felt like I was thirteen years old again.” It was as if she’d opened floodgates that had been held shut for too long, and she was powerless to stop the unexpected anger from coming out. “And don’t get on my case about not being embarrassed about my medical condition. Who wouldn’t be embarrassed if they’d wet themselves?” She scoffed. “Seriously. It’s a good life rule not to be embarrassed about a medical condition, but when you’re lying there with your boyfriend’s shirt over your pee-soaked clothes, feeling like you’ve been run over by a truck, who has the energy to try not to be embarrassed? It just happens, like breathing. And now I can’t drive, which means relying on Uber or one of you.”
“We don’t mind driving you,” Brindle insisted.
“I know you don’t, but that’s not the point. It’s all so annoying. I didn’t even know I was so mad until just now. I’m sorry for dumping it on all of you.”
“Please dump it on us. That’s what we’re here for. You have a right to be upset.” Morgyn put her arm around her. “I’m sorry this happened again.”
“The whole thing fucking sucks,” Sable said vehemently. “If epilepsy were a person, I’d beat the hell out of it.”
“Me too,” Brindle said, and everyone else agreed.
Amber struggled against the lump forming in her throat.
“Does having one breakthrough seizure mean you’ll have more?” Trixie asked.
“It doesn’t always mean that,” Pepper answered before Amber could respond. “Amber, Mom said you’re seeing the doctor tomorrow. Maybe your meds just need to be adjusted.”
“They might, but even if they need adjusting, we all know that stress and lack of sleep is an issue for me. That’s why I live my life the way I do. I’m usually in bed by ten, and I don’t think I’ve fallen asleep before two in the morning since Dash and I got together.”
“Damn. The man has stamina,” Jillian said.
“Apparently so does Amber.” Sable reached for Emma, who babbled as she went to her.
“No wonder Dash requested ‘Wild Thing’ last weekend at JJ’s,” Brindle added.
“The bottom line is that Amber deserves to be loved until she’s too exhausted to move,” Morgyn said reassuringly. “So this needs a solution.”
“That’s for sure,” Grace agreed.
“I know,” Amber said vehemently. “But the reason we’re up late isn’t just sex. Sometimes we just lie in each other’s arms, whispering about whatever’s on our minds.” She laughed a little, thinking about those times. “Silly things sometimes, like how the color blue makes him shiver, and every time he sees the color peach, he thinks of me because I was wearing a peach sweater the first time we met. And how he has to put his left shoe on first for good luck, because before his first touch-football game when he was six, his grandfather told him to watch what the other boys were doing and to do it different and better. He meant his position on the football field, of course, but even little Dash was an overachiever. I love knowing those types of things about him and sharing that time together. When it’s late like that, it feels like everything is still except the beat of our hearts. It’s special, and it makes me feel closer to him. I don’t want to fall asleep and miss any of it.”
“That’s true intimacy,” Morgyn said. “Those are some of my favorite times with Graham, too.”
“It’s what I’ve always dreamed of having,” Amber admitted. “It’s finally my turn to go on dates and be with a great guy. Dash brought more than love and affection into my life. He brought the excitement I’ve spent my life avoiding, but with him, I want more of it. I want more nights at JJ’s with everyone, where he holds my hand and takes me to the dance floor, embarrassing me and making me feel like a princess all at once. That’s exhilarating, and I loved it. I want more walks and slow dances at the creek, collecting acorns and writing down our memories, and doing nice things together like what we did for Hellie at the park. I want it all with him.”
“I totally get wanting to take his hand and let him lead you out of your comfort zone,” Morgyn said encouragingly. “Graham showed me a whole world I’d been missing out on, and I’m happier than I ever imagined possible.”
Brindle snagged a cinnamon bun. “How funny is it that I was the girl who wanted to see the world, and all it took was one trip away from Trace to realize that everything I wanted was right here in Oak Falls. Who would have ever thought I’d be married with a daughter and happy as a peach staying home most nights?”
“Or that I’d end up back in Oak Falls madly in love and married to Reed?” Grace chimed in.
“I always knew Brindle would end up with Trace one way or another,” Amber said. “And once I saw you and Reed together, I knew he was your soul mate. But I never thought I’d want to step out of my safe little nest for anyone or anything. Dash is even talking about going to Maui. Maui! Can you believe it? You guys know how freaked out I get by flying, but I want to be the girl who can jump on a plane with the guy I love and just go. I don’t want to give up, or limit, my time with Dash.”
“Then don’t,” Sable said.
“I don’t think I have a choice if I don’t want to risk having more seizures.” Amber looked down at her lap, the truth cutting like a knife. She met the eyes of the women who she knew would give anything to fix this for her. “What my heart wants and what my body needs are two sides of a war that I can’t win.”
“Oh, Amber, don’t say that.” Pepper’s compassionate gaze felt like an embrace.
“Have you talked to Dash about this?” Jillian asked.