Which makes this even more humiliating to talk about with him.
He joined this community while I’m creeping toward the exit signs.
I feel like a traitor.
“Maybe it didn’t seem like it to you, but things were really confusing for me before I figured it out.”
That’s the thing. He figured it out.
I’m afraid I never will. Or worse…I do, and my Nanna wins.
Blinking back tears, I curl my arms around myself. “I’m glad you worked out what box you belonged in, Landon. Truly, I am.” My voice cracks. “But I don’t fit anywhere anymore.”
My box is empty…the contents discarded on the floor in one giant mess I can’t seem to clean up.
He frowns. “That’s just it. I don’t belong in any box.” Reaching over, he tips my chin. “You don’t either.”
“But I’ve spent my whole entire life defending and protecting my box.”
Ugh. That sounds all kinds of wrong, but he knows what I mean.
“While finding your box can be liberating…the walls can still close in on you. In my experience, boxes and labels do more harm than good, especially when none of them fit, because it can make you feel even more alienated.”
That’s exactly how I feel.
“I get what you’re saying, but calling myself bisexual doesn’t feel right to me, either.”
“I know. That’s what I meant when I said I get it.”
Say what now?
“But what about Asher—”
“Asher identifies as bisexual.” Blowing out a breath, he continues. “I’m in love with a man and a woman and I will proudly shout it from the rooftops. I also know that as a result of that, most people would probably refer to me as bisexual, because it’s an easy assumption to make. I’m fine with that, but it isn’t the label I’d personally choose for myself.”
Wow. “Okay, I’m really gonna need you to explain.”
He scrubs a hand down his face. “The first time I met Breslin it was a supersonic punch to the balls. I’ve never been so physically attracted to another person before, and that attraction only grew when she opened that stubborn mouth of hers and I got to know her.”
I cringe as I recall when they first started dating. The attraction was definitely mutual.
So much so this poor roommate needed to invest in better earplugs.
His brows draw together in deep thought. “It wasn’t like that with Asher, though. I could barely tolerate being in the same room with him he irritated me so much.”
That’s news to me.
“Then how did you end up in love?”
A small smile touches his lips. “We were forced to deal with each other because I was tutoring him. Tutoring led to me getting to know him…whether I liked it or not. However, the more time I spent with him, the more our connection grew and I found myself drawn to him. I tried to brush it off at first because it spooked me, but it was too strong.”
Amen, brother.
“Like a force beyond your control. One that makes you feel powerless, but it’s okay because nothing else has ever made you feel so complete.” I close my eyes. “It’s like the universe molded him just for you because all your parts fit together.”
And you’ll do anything to keep him forever…because he’s your other half.
The part that makes you whole.
“It’s exactly like that.”
I can’t believe I’m about to confide in him about this, but it turns out he was right. He gets it.
“Whenever Preston’s gone, it feels like a vital piece of me leaves with him.” I inhale but can’t fill my lungs to capacity. “It’s like I can’t really breathe until we’re together again.”
He nods. “That’s how it is with Breslin and Asher. The universe doesn’t feel right until all three of us are together.”
And there’s the monumental difference between our situations.
“Wouldn’t that make you pansexual?”
“No, because that would imply I’m attracted to all kinds of people regardless of their sex. I’m not, though. While I can admit another guy is good-looking, Asher’s the only man who does it for me.”
Yup. I can honestly say that I’ve never been attracted to a guy before Preston, either.
“I wonder what that makes us?”
“Human?” His nose scrunches as he ponders this. “Although, technically speaking, I think it’s demisexual because our sexual attraction only comes after we’ve made a strong emotional one.” He gives his head a shake. “But that’s not the point, Kit. Labels and genders don’t matter. Love is love and you deserve to be with the person who makes you happy.”
He’s right, but I can’t tell him how much sense he’s making because I’m too focused on something else he said.
“You said sexual attraction…not physical.”
He adjusts his glasses. “It’s pretty much the same thing.”
Not quite.
I shift to the end of the chair. “Can I ask you a super personal question?”
“More personal than what we’re already talking about?” He must see how alarmed I am because he agrees. “Shoot.”
“You and Asher…was he the one who made the first move? You know, sexually?”
“Yeah.”
“And just so we’re clear, by first move, you mean…”
Now he looks slightly uncomfortable. “He gave me head.”
“And after that happened, did you return the favor?”
He thinks about this for a second before replying. “No.”
“And he was okay with that?”
“Yeah. He made it clear he didn’t expect anything in exchange. He knew what a big deal it was to me and gave me time to process.”
Well, damn. That’s reassuring.
“So, Asher’s cool with you never reciprocating.” Feeling a thousand pounds lighter now, I slap my knee. “Man, that’s a relief.”
Although, poor Breslin. Girl has to do double the work.
Confusion contorts Landon’s features. “I don’t quite follow.”
“You said Asher didn’t expect anything in return. Hence he’s okay with never being on the receiving end…right?”
He blinks. “I said he didn’t expect anything in return that night, Kit. Not permanently.”
Dammit. I was hoping this was some kind of hidden altruistic Holden gene we were blessed with.
Nerves bunch in my stomach. “Crap.”
I can feel Landon studying me, but it’s clear he doesn’t have any idea why I’m so troubled by this. “What’s wrong?”
Here goes nothing.
“Preston’s been giving me orgasms nonstop and I haven’t returned the favor.” Leaping out of the chair, I pace the carpet. “He’s not pressuring me or anything, but it can’t go on like this forever, right? Sooner or later it’s gonna be time for me to pay the piper.” Hell, he deserves it for all the work he’s been putting in. I stop pacing and look at him. “How much time went by before you finally felt the urge to put a penis in your mouth?”
“The next morning,” he deadpans.