I remember so vividly when he puts the situation in those words. My heart thumping, fear flowing through me. My little legs trying to run but tripping, and then the pole springing up just as it did today, breaking my path.
Hitting my head.
Then waking up in bed.
“But,” Braden continues, “is that how you feel when you’re not in control now?”
Is it? “No,” I reply. “Not really.”
“So you see, Skye, your need for control isn’t really who you are at all, is it?”
Is he right? Is that how I was able to succumb to his mastery so easily?
“I… I don’t know.”
“What you define as being a control freak is really just a preference. You prefer to be able to think clearly. That’s why you don’t get drunk.”
“You think?”
“It’s possible. In fact, your willingness to give up control to me in the bedroom may be because it’s nice not to have to think sometimes. It’s nice to let someone else be in charge.”
My mouth drops open.
He’s right.
He’s exactly right.
“Tessa says I don’t let my hair down enough.”
“You seem to let it down with me.”
“Yeah, I do… In fact…”
“What?”
Say it. Just say it. “I want to let it down farther than you’re willing to let me.”
“That’s true.”
“So…what do we do now?”
“You have to figure that out for yourself, Skye. I can’t help you.”
“But you just—”
“I just got lucky on a hunch. Most self-professed control freaks aren’t actually control freaks. For example, you don’t micromanage.”
“How do you know?”
“Addison wouldn’t have let you.”
He’s not wrong. “Since you brought her up—”
“Nice try.” His lips tremble, as if he’s trying not to laugh. “We’re not talking about me yet.”
I huff. “Fine.”
“You also didn’t change yourself or your situation for me.”
“I would never do that.”
“That’s exactly my point. You are who you are. You don’t change yourself to control the situation.” He pauses. Then, “Let me ask you something.”
“Okay.”
“Were you attracted to me from the beginning?”
“Of course.”
“A true control freak would have attempted to manage my impression of her. You didn’t do that.”
I cock my head. Is he onto something? I want to hear more.
“Did you want to sleep with me that first night?”
“Of course!”
“But you didn’t.”
“No, I—”
“See what I mean?”
“But I was controlling the situation.”
“No, you weren’t. You gave up something you wanted that you could have had. How is that being in control?”
“It was… It was too soon.”
“According to whom?”
Good question. “I don’t know. According to the rules I set in my own head?” I laugh nervously.
“Bingo. That’s your illusion of control—those rules in your head. But that’s not what makes a true control freak. You control only yourself. A control freak takes charge of others.”
I drop my jaw. His words make an eerie kind of sense.
“What did you gain by controlling yourself?” he asks.
“Nothing. I mean, I made you wait, I guess.”
“You did. You made us both wait for something we both wanted. But you know what?”
“What?”
“I never doubted you’d come to my bed. And I never doubted you’d eventually yield to me.”
I cock my head. “You said I was a challenge.”
“Yes, and you were. You are. But I never back down from a challenge, and there’s not one thing I’ve gone after that I haven’t gotten.”
“So you’re saying…”
“I’m saying there’s only one true master of control standing here, Skye, and it’s not you.”
Chapter Eighteen
Braden’s voice has gone dark once more, and my knees weaken.
As wonderful as last night was, I will always crave the darker side in the bedroom…and thankfully so will he.
“What if I said I wanted to fuck you right now, Skye? Right here, against this pole that frightened you so long ago. I’d like to blindfold you, tie you to it, and take you from behind hard and fast while forcing you to stay quiet the whole time.”
I don’t even have to think about my response. “I’d say do it.”
He groans. “You have no idea how much I want to.”
“No one’s stopping you that I can see.”
“Only you.”
I widen my eyes. “Did I not just tell you to do it?”
“You did, and I’m tempted.” He grabs my hand and leads it to the firm bulge below his waist. “You feel what you do to me? What you always do to me?”
I nod, shaking.
“But if we go back there—back to that place we both desire—you will still want things I can’t give you. Until you can tell me why you want those things, I can’t go there.”
“I can live without it.” I gulp.
“Can you?”
“For God’s sake, Braden, I’ve lived without all of this for the first twenty-four years of my life. I’ve had sexual relationships before. Satisfying sexual relationships.”
He wraps his arms around me, pinning me to the scarecrow post. “As satisfying as ours?”
My body is jelly. Total jelly. I’ll yield to him any way he wants right now. “Well…no. But that’s because I love you. I didn’t love any of them.”
“Is that the only reason?”
I don’t reply right away. Instead, I reach forward, squeeze and rub his erection.