“Well…technically we weren’t in the bedroom. We were at the club.”
Rosa shakes her head slightly. “Skye, you know very well what I mean.”
I draw in a deep breath. She’s right. She knows it, and so do I. I can’t help a soft laugh. “My mother told me I fought her on everything when I was a kid. Not just important stuff, but silly stuff, too, like wearing a pair of socks that was dirty, or arguing over breakfast cereal. What the hell is wrong with me?”
She smiles. “Nothing’s wrong with you. You’re strong willed. There’s nothing wrong with that. If you were vindictive and irritable, if you blamed others for your stubborn behavior, you might have a touch of obstinate defiance disorder, but I don’t see that in you.”
“I guess I just didn’t realize I’ve been this way my entire life.”
“Our personalities are formed by the time we’re five years old,” Rosa says. “You’re a fighter. That’s not a bad thing. It’s why you’re successful.”
I pause for a moment, thinking. Is that why I’m successful? I’m a good photographer, and I studied the discipline in college and became even better. I took the job with Addison so I could take pictures, and that job, plus my relationship with Braden, inadvertently resulted in my own budding influencing career.
Does that equal success?
Is it because of me after all?
Not because of Addie and Braden?
“You look like you’re thinking,” Rosa says. “Your forehead is all wrinkly.”
I nod. “Yeah. I am. I’m wondering…”
“Wondering what?”
“I guess I’m wondering if I truly am the reason for my success. I guess I’m not even sure I am successful.”
“Of course you are. You’re a talented photographer and an up-and-coming influencer. Sounds like success to me.”
“I always figured no one would care what I thought if I weren’t Braden’s girlfriend.”
“I won’t lie to you. That probably helped. But if you were Braden’s girlfriend but couldn’t write good copy or take a good photo, would you still be where you are?”
“I… I honestly don’t know.”
“You do know. You just don’t want to admit it, Skye.” She pauses. “Let’s attack this from a different angle. Braden is concerned about you getting too much pleasure from punishment. What if he doesn’t actually mean pleasure?”
“Braden always says what he means.”
“He may think that’s what he means, but what if it’s not the pleasure from the punishment you’re after? What if it’s the punishment itself?”
“Why would I want to punish myself?”
“For one, because you think you’re not worthy of your success.”
I raise an eyebrow. What Rosa says isn’t completely out of left field. How many times has the thought crossed my mind that I’m a fraud? More than a few.
“Let’s go one step further,” she says. “What if I told you it’s not just that you feel unworthy of your success? What if you blame yourself for what happened between your parents all those years ago?”
I shake my head. “Why would I do that? It wasn’t my fault. I was a kid.”
“Yes, and you’re right. It wasn’t your fault. But somewhere inside you is that seven-year-old girl, and she might think it was her fault.”
Did I?
Do I?
“I’m not sure I gave it any conscious thought at the time.”
“This isn’t your conscious mind at work, Skye. It’s your subconscious. You didn’t think about the fact that you fought your mother on everything, or that you were part of the reason she didn’t want more children. But inside your psyche, you knew. And perhaps your subconscious has always wondered if you drove your father away and drove your mother into another man’s bed.”
“I didn’t even remember Mario until yesterday.”
“But your subconscious mind did. Otherwise it wouldn’t have come blaring back to you when your mother told you.”
She’s not wrong. The image is now so clear in my mind that I could have photographed it myself. In color. Freaking Kodachrome.
“How does this relate to my need for punishment?”
“How does it not relate? You’re punishing yourself not only for your success, which you think you don’t deserve and won’t take any credit for despite having earned it, but also for your parents’ split all those years ago.”
“But…”
“What?”
“I…enjoy the punishment.”
“Do you?”
“Well, yeah… But…”
“But what?”
“The punishment isn’t really punishment. When Braden truly wants to punish me, he doesn’t tie me up or flog me. He denies me a climax. The other stuff isn’t meant to be punishment.”
“There you go. He doesn’t mean for it to be punishment, but on some level, you do. And that’s what is disturbing to him.”
I can’t deny that her reasoning makes an eerie kind of sense. “Are you saying I’m addicted to punishment?”
“I wouldn’t put it in those terms, but it’s possible that what Braden sees as kink and part of what he enjoys in the bedroom, you see as actual punishment. As you say, when he wants to truly punish you, he takes your orgasm. The other stuff is for pleasure, both his and yours. Or so he thought.”
“But I enjoy it. It does please me.”
“I know it does. The question is why?”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Why indeed?
My phone buzzes, and I pull it out of my pocket. It’s Braden.
“Do you need to take that?” Rosa asks.
“It’s him. It’s Braden.”
“Tell you what.” She checks her watch. “We only have five minutes left, and I’ve given you a lot to think about. So go and think about it, and I’ll give you an extra five tomorrow.”
I sigh. “I’m leaving tonight.”
“I thought you said you were staying the week.”
“I was. But after my conversation with my mother yesterday, I just want to go home.”
She smiles. “Don’t run, Skye. Work it out.”