“I never thought it was my fault.”
“Not consciously. But your subconscious may have. And that may play a big part in why you crave what you perceive as punishment.”
I pause a few seconds.
“You there, Skye?”
“Yeah,” I say. “Still here. Just thinking.”
“About what?”
“That I need to stop thinking about the kink in the bedroom as punishment. But what if that’s the only reason I want it?”
“Does it matter?”
“Of course it does. If I stop thinking of it as punishment, maybe I won’t want it anymore. And if Braden does want it, where does that leave us?”
“All Braden needs to know is why you wanted the neck binding so much. Can you answer that question now?”
I sigh. “Yes. I believe I can. When I witnessed the scene—the woman bound around her neck and the man pulling on the makeshift collar and choking her slightly—I got turned on. But it was different than a usual turn on. It felt almost…”
“Almost what?”
“Almost…necessary. Necessary to who I am.”
“Except, knowing who you are—a smart and talented young woman who’s on her way to becoming a big success—that doesn’t make a lot of sense.”
“Right,” I agree. “It doesn’t.”
“So how was it necessary?”
“I wish I knew.”
“Let’s attack this from another angle,” she says. “Do you know why most people practice breath control in BDSM?”
“Not really.”
“Have you heard of erotic asphyxiation?”
“Yeah. It’s dangerous.”
“It is, which maybe is why it’s a hard limit for Braden. But the restriction of oxygen also intensifies the orgasmic experience.”
My eyebrows nearly fly off my head. “Yeah, I’ve heard that, but…”
“But that isn’t why it felt necessary to you.”
“No, not at all. I wanted it because… Because it seemed like what I deserved.”
“Skye,” Rosa says, “I think we’re on the right track.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Atonement.
That’s the word Rosa used at the end of our conversation, and suddenly I’m able to see things from another angle.
Although I know what atonement means, I look it up anyway.
Reparation for a wrong or injury.
If my desire to be punished was based on the fact that my success was due to my relationship with Braden and my previous tie to Addie, it’s not atonement at all.
But if it’s related to the fact that I feel responsible for my parents’ breakup all those years ago…
Then it’s definitely the right word.
And it clicks so much into place.
Rosa and I made arrangements to continue to see each other via Facetime once per week and tapering off as needed. She was ready to recommend a therapist in Boston, but I’m comfortable with her and prefer to continue as we are for now.
I feel so much better, and already, I’m willing to respect Braden’s hard limit. He doesn’t want to engage in breath control because it’s dangerous, and he doesn’t want to harm me.
That’s a good thing. A noble thing.
What’s more? I don’t need to atone for anything. Yes, it will take time to totally banish the idea that I was responsible for my parents’ separation, but I’m on the right track now, as Rosa said. And I deserve all the success I’m having with my influencing career. I take damned good photos and come up with clever ideas and copy. Hell, it’s the reason Addie hired me in the first place.
I can’t wait to tell Braden.
I want to tell him that I respect his hard limit. That I respect his wishes and desires. That I respect him so much.
And I do.
Even more? I love him so much.
“Amazing,” Tessa says over our drinks this evening after I relay the whole story. “So much was happening to you, and I didn’t know about it. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, too, with the whole Garrett thing.”
She takes a sip of her blue margarita. “I guess we both fucked up.”
I nod. “I guess we did, though I think I fucked up more.”
She bursts into laughter. “Skye, you slay me. You even want control over this.”
I join in her giggles because she’s right. “I give. We’re both guilty.”
“And degree of guilt doesn’t matter. Say it with me, Skye.”
“Degree of guilt doesn’t matter,” I echo.
“Say it like you mean it,” she throws back at me.
“We’re both guilty. Degree of guilt doesn’t matter. We’ll both do better.”
“There you go. Best friends forever.” She finishes her drink. “You want to order some food?”
“Sure.” I signal to our server.
We place a quick order for some street tacos and another margarita for Tessa. I’m still working on my bourbon.
“Selfie time!” I rise and move to the other side of the table with my phone.
“Do I look okay?” Tessa asks.
“Are you kidding? You always look gorgeous.” I snap a few photos and let Tessa choose which one to post. I do some quick edits and then post.
Nothing better than drinks with the BFF! @tessa_logan_350 #bffsforever #margaritaville #menwhoneedsthem? #tessaandskye
And I realize, even with Braden and me not right yet, I haven’t been this happy in a long time.
…
I’ve been using the Susie skincare line for a little over a week now, so it’s time to compare my before post to how I look now.
Hmm. Not bad at all. I don’t have acne or anything, but my complexion is noticeably more even-toned.
Before and after one week of Susie skincare. My skin is more even-toned and it feels great! #sponsored. #susiegirl #anyonecanbeasusiegirl #susieglow
My last post about the tinted moisture earned me a thumbs up text from Eugenie. The copy for this one isn’t as inspired, but I want my audience to focus on the photos. I’ll post again in another week.