For reasons he couldn’t quite explain, Harris opened the photo of Troy trying to smile again. Instead of laughing this time, Harris contemplated Troy’s eyes. They were so striking that Harris hadn’t noticed the anxiety they held. He noticed it now, and couldn’t help wondering what Troy would look like if he smiled for real. Would his eyes crinkle? Would there be dimples? Maybe Harris could make him laugh...
Except, right. Probably a homophobe.
He shook his head and closed the image. Enough of Troy Barrett for now. He had puppy photos to post.
* * *
When Troy got back to his hotel room, he logged into his secret Instagram account. He’d barely posted anything on it; he just used it to follow Adrian, mostly. And maybe Troy shouldn’t be doing that anymore, but he still couldn’t quite believe that things were over between them.
When they’d first been introduced at a party in Vancouver two years ago, Troy hadn’t been able to stop looking at him. And Troy was good at not looking at attractive men. Adrian Dela Cruz, the star of a popular superhero television show, was firmly in the closet himself, and had been just as taken with Troy. Through some miracle combination of pheromones, silent communication, and luck, both men had clued into the fact that they’d wanted the same thing. Later that same night, they’d given it to each other.
A recent post by Adrian showed the reason he had ended things with Troy. The real reason, not the bullshit ones he’d given him about how they weren’t really in love, or that they’d only been together because it was easy.
Troy hadn’t understood that argument at all because there was nothing easy about their relationship. Living in constant fear that someone would find out about them wasn’t easy. Living three time zones away from your boyfriend wasn’t easy. Not being able to talk about your favorite person in the world with your friends, family, and teammates wasn’t easy. Going fucking months without sex wasn’t easy.
No. The real reason was Justin fucking Green, the director of a Netflix movie Adrian had filmed ten months ago. Which was, Adrian had admitted, when he’d started to fall in love with Justin. And now, as of four days ago, Adrian was out and proud and engaged.
And Troy had no idea how he was supposed to continue existing. He had no one to talk to about this. No one knew about Adrian. No one even knew that Troy was gay.
And of course Troy’s first road game with his new team was in Vancouver. As if everything wasn’t terrible enough, he’d soon be in the city that had always been his refuge. This time he would be completely alone.
He stared at the photo of Adrian and his fiancé, hoping if he looked for long enough the surreal wrongness of seeing Adrian in someone else’s arms would fade.
God, he was beautiful. Obviously he was attractive; he played a superhero on television. But Troy had gotten to see him when he wasn’t made-up for the camera—rumpled and sleepy in the morning, or crashed out on the couch after a long day of filming—and he’d been even more taken with him then. Troy had loved every precious moment they’d had together.
And now they were over. Now Justin Green was enjoying those sleepy smiles and unhurried morning sex while Troy was staring at a fucking photo. Alone. In Ottawa.
Troy’s life had imploded so quickly he hadn’t had a chance to fully absorb it yet. He was going through the motions of being an NHL player on autopilot, knowing that if he paused to examine his shattered heart he may never move again. Two days—two days—after being dumped, Troy had seen the first of the accusations against Dallas Kent online. The words on his laptop screen had blurred through his damp eyes, and his throat had burned with the need to scream or cry or maybe throw up. Every detail of the woman’s account was so familiar. Troy hadn’t been a witness, but her description of the things Dallas had said...
It had been easy to believe. By the time Troy had read the fourth account, two days later, his blood had boiled with rage.
The comments beneath each of the posts were full of people defending Kent, and saying vile things about his accusers. When Troy had gone to his next practice, he’d heard his teammates saying similar things about them. During the practice, he’d watched Kent laughing and having fun, completely unbothered, and Troy had just snapped. He’d gotten in his best friend’s face and unloaded all the rage that had been churning inside him. All of the disgust that Kent should have been getting from everyone on the ice. From everyone on earth.
Not that it had done any good. Hockey media was rallying behind Dallas, seemingly only concerned about the mental strain this unfortunate business would cause the young hockey star.
Mental strain. Jesus fuck. If anything, Dallas was probably more angry at Troy than bothered by the accusations. He certainly wasn’t burdened by guilt or shame. He probably wasn’t even a little bit afraid of repercussions. Because why would he be?
Troy was suddenly very tired, and thought about going to bed early even though he knew he wouldn’t sleep. Except, shit. He was supposed to set up an Instagram account. A real one that wasn’t just a burner account for looking at hot men.
So, maybe a less real one.
He deleted the burner account. Maybe he’d set up another one so he could follow hot men again, but he’d start fresh. When he was ready. For now, he would do his homework and start a professional account.
He was in the process of deciding on a password when he got a text message from his mother.
Mom: Look at where you are!
A photo quickly followed that showed a Funko Pop! figure of Troy—in his Toronto uniform—balanced on a balcony railing. Behind it were beautiful misty mountains blanketed in thick blue-green forest.
Troy: Wow. Where are you?
Mom: Hakone. That’s the view from my hotel room! I took it this afternoon.
Troy’s heart lifted a bit. There was no one he wished were here with him now more than his mom. Unfortunately, she was on the other side of the world.
Troy: Isn’t it the middle of the night in Japan?
Mom: Can’t sleep. Ready for your big debut tomorrow night?
Troy: I want to get it over with.
Mom: Has it been bad?
Troy chewed his lip. Mom only knew a fraction of why his life had been hell lately. Hers had been the first supportive voice he’d heard after the video of him yelling at Dallas had hit the internet, and it had been hard not to break down crying as she’d assured him that he’d done the right thing. That he was a good person.
She didn’t know about Adrian. Not only that Troy had just had his heart broken, but that he’d been dating someone at all. He’d never introduced Adrian even as a friend. He’d been so scared that his parents would see them together and know.
Especially his dad. Troy could almost imagine coming out to his mother, but not his dad. Never.