‘I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you.’
‘I’m not worried about it in the slightest,’ said George. ‘It just annoys me, that’s all. Would it kill her to have some manners?’
‘Shall we move on?’
‘I suppose.’
‘So, how can I help you?’
‘Well, it’s a matter of some delicacy,’ said George, looking a little uncomfortable. ‘One that will require some discretion.’
‘Of course. Discretion is our watchword, you know that. You’ve nothing to worry about there.’
‘The thing is, I seem to have got myself into a little bit of trouble.’
Jeremy reached for a notepad and his pen hovered over the blank page. ‘Marital, business or financial?’
‘Probably a little of all three, if I’m honest.’
‘All right. You may as well just give me the details.’
‘I met a woman. An actual woman.’
‘Seriously, George, no jokes. If someone overheard you—’
‘Sorry, I’m just feeling pissed off now. Anyway, this woman and I, we may have had … relations.’
‘You may have had? You mean you’re not sure?’
‘Well …’
‘You did or you didn’t?’
‘We did.’
‘Frequently?’
‘Many, many times. Over the course of five months.’
‘And what? She’s threatening to go to the papers? How much do you think she’s looking for?’
‘No,’ said George, looking glum. ‘It’s worse than that. She doesn’t want publicity or money. If she did, that would make things a lot easier. No, it turns out she’s pregnant.’
‘Ah,’ said Jeremy.
‘There’s life in the old dog yet, it seems.’
‘Apparently so.’
‘Me being the old dog,’ clarified George. ‘Not her. She’s a very attractive woman, in fact. Although she has a laugh that grates on my nerves. Which was one of the reasons I broke up with her.’
‘Can you tell me her name?’
‘Angela Gosebourne. Dr Angela Gosebourne, in fact.’
‘Does she work at the BBC?’
‘Oh no. She’s a therapist, as it happens. Helping, you know, nut jobs. People who’ve gone a bit doolally.’ He rotated his index finger at the side of his right temple.
‘I don’t think you can use those words any more either, George,’ said Jeremy. ‘What you mean to say is people with mental health issues.’
‘Nut jobs gets the sense across perfectly well.’
‘It can be seen as offensive.’
‘There’s only you and me in the room. Are you offended?’
Jeremy considered it. ‘Well, no,’ he admitted.
‘All right, then. She helps nut jobs. The point is, I’m reasonably sure that she’s genuine about not wanting to hang me out to dry. It’s not in her nature. Or, at least, I don’t think it is. When you think about what she does for a living, it shows that she’s a good person. She cares about people. About strangers, I mean. I’ve never given the slightest shit about strangers, have you? My fans, yes. I’m always polite to my fans. They’re the ones who keep me on the box. But when I read about some tragedy in the newspaper, a plane falling out of the sky, say, well, it never really has any emotional effect on me whatsoever, although I act as if it does and I make all the appropriate sympathetic sounds on the chat show, then throw a few quid at whatever turgid song has been recorded to help the victims. But the truth is, I always think, well, that’s just the way the world works, isn’t it? Some people die, some people live. And the planet keeps turning. There’s so many of us that God or Buddha or Elvis or whoever’s up there needs to wake a dormant volcano every so often, just to keep the numbers down. It’s been happening since the dawn of time. Dinosaurs and what have you. We can’t care about everything. Even if we pretend to.’
‘I’d like to think I’m a charitable sort,’ said Jeremy.
‘Well, we all would, wouldn’t we? Listen, I have to do twenty minutes every time Comic Relief’s on, so don’t talk to me about charity. Last year I was forced into a One Direction skit with Jeremy Paxman, John Humphrys and David Attenborough and they made me play Liam. Liam! I mean, I ask you! I suggested they park me in the corner, smoking a fag and pretending that I was too good for any of this and we could say I was Zayn, but they weren’t having any of it. Anyway, I was saying that Angela is a decent person. She cares about others.’
‘So, she’s not looking for money?’
‘I don’t think so, no.’
‘And she wants this baby?’
‘She says that she does.’
‘And I presume that you don’t?’
George shrugged his shoulders. ‘I could do without it, if I’m honest,’ he said. ‘I’m sixty years old. I love my wife, even if there’s been some distance between us over the last year or two. My kids hold the usual resentments, but they don’t seem to hate me in any extreme way. They’re all still living in my house, after all, despite the many hints I drop about them finding their own places. And the truth is, I don’t want to lose them or hurt them. Nor do I want to lose Beverley or hurt her. I have my life exactly as I want it, do you see? So, I had a little bit of fun on the side. I shouldn’t have to suffer any adverse consequences for that, should I?’
‘I understand,’ said Jeremy. ‘It’s perfectly natural that you wouldn’t want anything to upset such a fine balance. I suppose the real question here is—’
Before he could complete that sentence, his phone buzzed and he glanced towards it. Normally, Jeremy would have switched it to silent until the meeting was over, but when he saw the name that appeared on the screen, he read the message carefully.
‘Who’s that?’ George asked.
‘My niece.’
‘Well, can you tell your niece to fuck off until I’ve left, please? You’re charging me by the hour here, remember?’
‘Sorry,’ replied Jeremy, sending a quick reply and setting the phone aside again. ‘Her parents broke up recently and—’
‘Jeremy.’
‘Sorry, yes. You were saying?’
‘I was saying that I’ve had my fun, but now I don’t want it to affect my life in any negative way.’
‘Do you want to play a part in the child’s life?’
‘Angela says that I can be as involved or uninvolved as I like. But as I pointed out to her, a lack of involvement is involvement. Just in a different form. Absence is presence.’
‘You could just stay away?’
George shook his head. ‘I couldn’t do that,’ he said. ‘If a child of mine has the bad manners to be born, then I have an obligation to be there. I may be an asshole, Jeremy, but I’m not a complete prick. And I suppose I’d like to know the little bastard, to watch him grow up and to be a part of his life. I’m not the world’s greatest father, I think my kids would attest to that, but I’m not the worst either. I do my best. I’m actually quite loving when given half a chance. But I can’t see how to do all this without Beverley finding out.’