‘To sex the feet?’
‘To sex the boys.’
She shrugged and examined her fingernails. He was very good at giving pedicures, she’d give him that, very tender but also completely committed to getting the job done in a professional manner, much like she’d always imagined Harry Styles would be in bed. She wondered what Hernán might be like as a lover and spent a pleasant few minutes daydreaming about this, only snapping out of her reverie when her phone buzzed again.
Wilkes Maguire
Well, yes, of course it is.
She stared at the message for a moment, uncertain what Wilkes was talking about, but then remembered her reply. She thought about sending him another text, but didn’t bother.
‘I don’t suppose you know much about leprosy, do you?’ she asked, and Hernán looked up at her with a curious expression on his face.
‘What is this?’ he asked.
‘It’s a disease of some sort. It’s pretty awful, to be honest.’
He pulled his hands away from her feet.
‘A disease that you have?’ he asked.
‘No, not me,’ she replied quickly. ‘I’m totally disease free. No, there’s an island off Indonesia, apparently, and quite a few people have it there, I’m told. Well, at least ten. My boyfriend wants us to go and help them.’
‘You are doctors?’ asked Hernán, returning to his work, albeit a little more apprehensively.
‘No, neither of us is.’
‘Then how you can help them?’
‘Your guess is as good as mine. Perhaps just by being there and showing them what healthy people look like, it will give them hope. Or will it just make them bitter and envious? It’s hard to know, really, isn’t it?’
‘And this disease you like, does it have cure?’
‘I don’t really know, to be honest. I’m supposed to be doing some research on it, but I don’t even know where to start.’
‘If you are going to live among these people,’ said Hernán, ‘you must learn something about them first, yes?’
‘I suppose so,’ she agreed. ‘Did you learn anything about the British before you came to London?’
‘Hernán, he reads many books,’ he replied, sounding a little smug. ‘He reads novels about the King Henry Eight Times.’
‘He lived a very long time ago.’
‘Yes, but all the English novels are about the King Henry Eight Times. And his sixteen wives. Is rule, no?’
‘Well, I don’t know if it’s a rule as such,’ she agreed, ‘but I can see why you might think so.’
‘And then he reads the book about the Victorian people by the Jacob Rees-Mogg.’
‘Oh dear,’ said Elizabeth. ‘What on earth made you do that?’
‘He is contemporary of them, Hernán thinks. He is oldest man in England. Maybe in world.’
‘I’m not sure that’s true,’ she said.
‘He is very handsome man,’ said Hernán, sighing a little.
‘Who, Jacob Rees-Mogg?’ she asked, frowning.
‘Yes.’
‘Good God. Don’t go around telling people that. You’ll get deported.’
‘You think him not handsome?’
‘I mean, he’s not the Elephant Man, but it’s hard to imagine anyone getting too worked up over him. He is very polite, though; I’ll give him that.’
‘One day, I hope the Jacob Rees-Mogg will be Hernán’s boyfriend.’
‘I think it’s unlikely. I don’t think he bats for your team.’
‘Even the spaghetti is straight until you put it in the hot water,’ replied Hernán. ‘You have heard of this, yes?’
She nodded. ‘Well, I wish you luck in your quest. The Jacob Rees-Mogg would be a very lucky man indeed. What else have you read?’
‘Hernán reads three books by the Beverley Cleverley that makes him hard.’
Elizabeth shook her head, uncertain that she’d heard him correctly. ‘What did you say?’ she asked.
‘That her books make him hard.’
‘That’s what I thought you said. How do you mean?’
He set her feet on a fresh towel and stood up, clutching his groin and jerking forward in an unnatural movement, much like Michael Jackson, and uttering a few yelps that might have been some form of Brazilian mating call before kneeling down again and resuming his work.
‘Yes, that’s what I thought you meant,’ said Elizabeth. ‘Only I didn’t think it possible. Why did they … you know … arouse you?’
‘Handsome doctors,’ said Hernán. ‘Always with their shirts off.’
‘You’re very forthright,’ said Elizabeth. ‘Are you always like this?’
‘He says what he feels,’ said Hernán. ‘In the favelas of Rio de Janeiro, he learns that it is better to be honest with people. Otherwise, they find out that you lie and cut your throat while you sleep, washing their hands in your blood.’
‘Actually, I was in Rio de Janeiro once,’ said Elizabeth. ‘With my father. He’d gone there to interview Pelé.’
Hernán stopped what he was doing and blessed himself.
‘You met the Pelé?’ he asked.
‘No, I stayed at the hotel that day and had a massage. I didn’t really know who he was. I mean, I knew the name but that was about it. My father, he’s a sort of journalist. He met him.’
‘You have the chance to meet the Pelé and you do not take it?’ asked Hernán, looking at her as if she’d just discovered she’d won the lottery but had torn up the ticket because she couldn’t be bothered to make the phone call.
‘That’s right. Why, was that terrible of me?’
Hernán shook his head. ‘Tell him someone you admire,’ he said.
Elizabeth thought about it. ‘Kylie Jenner,’ she said.
Hernán laughed. ‘No, Hernán is serious now. Tell him someone you admire.’
‘I am being serious,’ said Elizabeth. ‘She’s probably the person I most admire in the world. She’s done so much for lips. Probably more than anyone else, ever.’
‘She is the girl with the father who becomes the mother, yes?’
‘Well, in a manner of speaking. But I wouldn’t advise you to say something like that outside of these four walls. People might take it the wrong way.’
‘Take it what way you mean?’
‘Saying something like that can make you sound a bit … you know … transphobic.’
‘Yes, but this is what Hernán is.’
‘He’s transphobic?’
‘Very much so. But is okay. He confesses this to his priest and priest, he say, “Do not worry, Hernán, you go to the hell anyway because you sex the boys.”’
‘Charming,’ said Elizabeth.
‘So Hernán thinks, is okay to be hater,’ he added, reaching for a moisturizer and beginning to massage the creamy liquid into her feet, which felt instantly cool.
‘I didn’t see any of the fajitas, though,’ continued Elizabeth. ‘When I was in Rio, I mean. Although we stayed at the Four Seasons, so it’s possible there weren’t any near by.’