‘The first night of the rest of your life!’ roared Belinda, definitely cupping him now, and he stepped forward, out of her reach. ‘For Christ’s sake, Alice, you get it wrong every time! It’s like handing a microphone to Mel Gibson when he’s six hours into a bachelor party and asking him whether he’d like to go to Israel on his summer holidays.’
‘Yes, that’s it,’ replied Alice, looking apologetic, her face turning beetroot red. ‘The rest night of the first of your life. I do apologize. Now, let me begin by thanking you all for coming to our sixth speed-dating night of 2021. It’s such a pleasure to see so many lonely, miserable people, all hoping to find someone who might give their lives some meaning. It matters so much to Belinda and me—’
‘Doesn’t matter to me,’ muttered the cashier in Nelson’s ear. ‘But I love a man in uniform, I do.’
‘—that you’ve come here tonight. You are the dreamers, and we are the dreamers of your dreams. Love, love is strange. Many people take it for a game. Lonely, you might be Mr Lonely, or Miss Lonely, but you’ve gotta have faith. You’ve gotta have a-faith-a-faith-a-faith. I say you’ve gotta have a-faith if you wanna dance with somebody who loves you and have sweet dreams till sunbeams find you. Can you feel the love tonight? It’s a little bit funny, but I can—’
‘She does this whole fucking routine every time,’ said Belinda, shaking her head in exasperation. ‘Honestly, there are times I’d like to press a pillow over her face.’
‘This feeling inside. Now, don’t be worried if you say something stupid like I love you, although you may not want to say that as you’ve all only just met, but remember that each of you is beautiful, it’s true, in every single way, and you need to open your hearts to each other, because one of you holds the lock and the other holds the key.’
‘I think you’d better leave right now,’ shouted a man at the back of the room, and Nelson looked in his direction. He was big, bald and burly, and had the number 22 on his sticker.
‘Don’t feel under pressure, that’s all I ask,’ continued Alice. ‘And you might end the night flying without wings!’
‘Which would leave you crashing to the earth and exploding like a watermelon,’ roared Number 22.
‘All right,’ said Alice, who had evidently reached the end of her speech and looked almost as relieved about that as everyone else. Nelson felt his heart sinking, wondering whether he’d not only wasted £9 on a ticket to this shambles, but also £142.50 on his policeman’s uniform.
‘Now, in the olden days,’ continued Alice, ‘back when men did all the DIY and women knew how to make a perfect Victoria sponge, we used to have two lines of seats, women on one side and men on the other. We’re not allowed to do that any more, of course, as it would contravene equality laws and, for all I know, some of you might be straight, some of you might be gay, and some of you might be homosexual. Which is fine. There’s room for all sorts, no matter what your perversion. Some of you might not even know what you are! I ran one of these events recently in Battersea and a man told me he was pansexual and I had to go home and google what that meant! But that was Battersea so, you know, you’re up against it there. Anything goes. I should add that I feel no prejudice towards those women who do not ride on my side of the bus, none whatsoever. Or the men who … also ride on the … maybe sit downstairs. On the bus. Or even walk! Or use their bicycles, who knows?’
She beamed out at the audience, most of whom were now shifting uncomfortably and wondering whether they could just make a break for it.
‘For what it’s worth,’ she added, ‘my best friend’s neighbour has a daughter who’s a lesbian and she’s a pretty little thing, so it’s very sad, but she’s getting married later this year, so to speak, to a woman, so to speak, and I’m delighted for her, so to speak. It just goes to show, there’s hope for everyone! Every old sock meets an old shoe! Or, in their case, a pair of old boots!’
Nelson watched as two people ripped off their badges and left the hall, and he considered doing the same thing, but he felt like he was driving slowly past the scene of a car crash. He didn’t want to stare, but he just couldn’t help it.
‘Right,’ said Alice, leaning in to the microphone again and sighing deeply. ‘So here’s the way we do things now since equality came in.’ She made inverted comma symbols in the air when she said the word equality. ‘You sit down wherever you like and you talk to the person seated opposite you.’ Again, inexplicably, she signed inverted commas around opposite. ‘Some will be people of the gender to which you are attracted, and some will not. But no matter who’s facing you, just have a chat! Talk as if you’re normal, well-adjusted people. And when I ring the bell, which will be every three minutes, everyone moves one space to their left and starts talking to whoever’s sitting opposite them then. Is that clear? Of course it is. Clear as mud, I hear you say! Ahahaha! Anyway, it’ll all become clear once we get started. So now, without any further ado, and unaccustomed as I am to speaking aloud, let me invite you all to take a seat, and when I ring the bell, just talk, just talk—’
‘Just fucking talk,’ implored Belinda.
‘Now, let the games begin, may the odds be ever in your favour, and to those about to die, we salute you!’
And then she picked up a bell and rang it so loudly into the microphone that Nelson thought blood might pour from his ears.
‘Well, go on then, Inspector Gadget,’ said Belinda, detaching herself from his body. ‘Give it your best shot. I’ll be watching.’
SUGAR BABIES
Achilles had put a lot of time into his outfit this morning and was wearing his favourite Calvin Klein jeans, a snow-white V-necked tee that sunk low enough to reveal the tight pads of his pectoral muscles, a blue short-sleeved shirt that he left completely unbuttoned and the replacement trainers he’d bought online, adding a touch of Paco Rabanne fragrance to his neck, wrists and crotch. As he came downstairs, he caught a whiff of something ghastly and gave his armpits a quick sniff to make sure that it wasn’t him, but a moment later Elizabeth and her boyfriend emerged from the living room.
‘Forgot to put your deodorant on today, Catweazle?’ he asked, maintaining a safe distance in order to avoid being infected by any vengeful aromas that might attach themselves to him.
‘Shut up, Achilles,’ snapped Elizabeth.
‘You shut up,’ replied Achilles, ever the wit, as he left the house.
Boarding the District Line Tube in the direction of Whitechapel, he appreciated the admiring glances he was receiving from men, women, boys and girls alike but pretended to be completely oblivious to them. Usually, he kept his eyes on his phone, ignoring the attention, but he sensed someone standing up further down the carriage and making their way in his direction, before sitting down on the empty seat next to him.
‘Ghost!’ he said, turning to look at her and breaking into a wide grin. ‘You don’t mind if I call you that, do you?’
‘I’d prefer if you didn’t,’ she said. ‘I’m more than just a job title, you know.’