‘I’m a solicitor. I’m surprised to see a young lad like yourself in a place like this,’ said Jeremy. ‘I always assume young people just fall in and out of each other’s beds with gay abandon, as they say.’
‘If only,’ said Nelson with a sigh.
‘Him down there,’ said Jeremy, nodding in Shane’s direction. ‘You can see all the women want to sit opposite him.’
‘Well, he is gay, as it happens,’ said Nelson.
‘I know, yes. I was talking to him earlier. Nice chap, I thought. Very personable.’
‘Yes, I thought so.’
‘When I was your age, people were very rude about the gays, but no one minds any more, do they? It’s a better world. I met a young lad recently, also gay, I assume. A very unfortunate boy. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but—’
The bell rang before Jeremy could reveal anything more and everyone stood up as Alice took to the stage again, thanking them for coming and asking whether they would mind stacking their seats at the side of the room before leaving. As he took his over, Shane caught up with him.
‘Well, that was a waste of nine pounds,’ he said. ‘And, you know, a shower.’
‘No luck?’
‘None. Still on for that pint? I hope it wasn’t weird of me asking you like that. If you’ve changed your mind—’
‘No, I’d like to,’ said Nelson. ‘Let’s do it. Actually, I know a nice place quite close to here with a beer garden outside. And it’s quite warm out, isn’t it?’
‘Sounds perfect,’ said Shane. ‘It’s good to be able to go to pubs again, isn’t it? Not that I’m an alcoholic or anything but, you know. There’s only so much sitting in your own flat you can do. I’d have become a scientist myself if it would have made the vaccine come along a bit sooner.’
They started to walk down the street together and, as they passed a newsagent’s, Nelson’s eye was caught by a sign outside listing the headline from the Evening Standard.
TELLY FELLA LOSES HIS MIND ON AIR
‘I wonder what that’s all about?’ asked Nelson, pointing towards it.
THE TEETH
‘You’re late.’
Rebecca was seated at a table outside the pub, reading a novel. She put it back in her bag and Achilles looked at her approvingly. It was their second date, if their initial encounter in the coffee shop could be counted as their first.
‘I am,’ he admitted, offering a half-bow. ‘By all of twelve minutes. You have my apologies. But I’m glad to see that you were early.’
‘Actually, I only got here five minutes ago,’ she said. ‘So, in fact, I was seven minutes late. I ordered drinks because I’m the only one of legal age.’
‘Thank you,’ he said, sitting down opposite her and lifting the pint she’d bought him. She’d made an effort, too, and, the weather being good, was wearing a light summer dress. ‘And thank you, too, for the snapchat of your breasts last night. They’re very impressive.’
She stared at him. ‘What are you talking about?’ she asked. ‘I didn’t send you any such thing.’
‘Oh, then that must have been some other girl. Sorry, I’m very popular.’
She didn’t even blink and Achilles realized that this line, which he had used to good effect in the past, was not having its usual effect.
‘I’m kidding,’ he said. ‘A bad joke.’
‘Don’t be a twat, okay?’ she replied.
He glanced around at the other customers seated outside, all older than him, and felt a strange sensation at the pit of his stomach. At first, he wondered whether he’d eaten something that didn’t agree with him, but then it dawned on him that no, whatever was going on inside his body was connected to the fact that he actually quite liked this girl and he would have to abandon his usual techniques if he wanted to impress her. He might even have to be himself, if he even knew who that person was.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked Rebecca. ‘You look as if you’re having an epiphany.’
He shook his head. ‘Is it just me or is it a bit chilly out here?’ he asked.
‘It’s just you. It’s twenty-two degrees.’
‘Okay.’
Rebecca sat forward and touched his arm lightly. ‘Relax, Achilles,’ she said.
‘I am relaxed.’
‘You seem nervous.’
‘Perhaps I am. A little bit. I don’t want to mess this up.’
‘You know, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t like you,’ she told him. ‘And believe me, you’re giving me plenty of reasons not to. And yet, inexplicably, here I am.’
He smiled. ‘Basically, I need to just take it down a notch, right?’
‘That would be good.’
‘Okay. And for the record, I like you, too. And when I say like, I mean that I’m interested in you. And I’m not usually all that interested in other people. I don’t know if it comes across or not, but sometimes I can be a selfish, narcissistic little brat who only thinks about his own feelings.’
‘I’m absolutely shocked to hear that,’ she said, smiling a little.
‘But from the moment we met—’
‘All of twenty-four hours ago.’
‘All of twenty-four hours ago, I’ve found that I want to get to know you better. And not just because I want to have sex with you. Although I do. But it seems to run deeper than that.’ He stopped and thought about it for a moment, frowning. ‘Oh Christ, I’m not growing up, am I?’
‘It’s possible. Have you thought about seeing a doctor?’
‘Let’s see how long it goes on for. A couple of Nurofen might sort me out. This is too deep a conversation for me.’
‘Well, it’s better than small talk.’
‘True. The funny thing is, I feel so desperate to impress you that I don’t want to do anything that looks like I’m trying to impress you. Does that make any sense?’
She took a sip of her drink and nodded. ‘I think so,’ she said.
‘What were you reading anyway?’ he asked. ‘When I arrived, I mean. Do you read a lot? What kind of books do you like? Which authors? That’s a lot of questions, isn’t it? I’m not sure why I’m asking so many. I feel like one of those wind-up toys that keep chattering away. Like the teeth. You know the teeth? The ones that keep rattling when you put them on the table?’
‘I know the teeth,’ she said. ‘I love the teeth.’
‘I feel like the teeth.’
‘You’re behaving like the teeth. But in answer to your many questions, I was reading one of your mother’s novels, an early one. I’ve never read her before and thought I’d give her a go to see whether it might tell me something about you.’
‘And does it?’
‘Well, the heroes of her books do tend to live entitled, extravagant lifestyles, and I figure either that’s how you live or how you want to live.’
‘Sort of true and very true, in that order.’
‘But it would seem very strange if your mother based these romantic, slightly dumb but highly sexualized leading men on her son.’