“Why was it so wrong that I wanted to take care of you?” I asked. I was genuinely mystified. If you cared about someone, shouldn’t you want to help them in any way you could?
“Annabelle, you never needed to do that,” he said. He ran a hand over his eyes. “I never wanted you to become less than what you are. It felt at the time like you found me lacking and you were trying to fix me. Of course, because I was so mature, I chose to push back and stayed out later, drank more, and then cheated on you. I’m very sorry about that, by the way.”
I could tell that he meant it, and I felt something shift inside me. I think it was forgiveness pushing to the front of the crowd. I reached over and put my hand on top of his. “It’s okay. I forgive you.”
“Thank you.” He blew out a breath. “That means a lot to me. No matter how much of a jerk I was, and I know I was a big one, I never wanted to hurt you.”
“No, you just wanted to get away from me.”
“I was suffocating,” he said. “I didn’t feel like I could be what you wanted me to be.”
“I wanted you to be happy,” I said.
“Did you?” he asked. He took a long pull off his beer. “Because it felt like you wanted me to be someone else, and I just couldn’t be anyone but myself. I didn’t want you to fix me into some lesser version of myself.”
My mouth dropped open. Is that the message he’d gotten from me trying to take care of him?
“I never thought you needed fixing,” I said. “I just wanted . . .” I frowned. What had I wanted? “I just wanted you to need me so much that you would never leave me.”
There it was. The truth that I had never uttered before. I hadn’t taken care of Jeremy or Greg or Nick because I loved them, although I did in their different ways. I did it for me, to make them need me, so that they wouldn’t leave me. Whoa. Was that what I had been doing with Nick?
I’d dragged him out of his house when he didn’t want to go, I made him open his curtains, buy art, and I pushed him to let his sister into his life, all against his wishes, so I would be his savior and he’d love me forever and ever. I slumped against the couch. This epiphany felt like a punch in the gut. It completely winded me.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Not really, no,” I said. I tipped my head, resting it on the back of the couch. There were tears bubbling just under the surface, but I didn’t want to cry. I knew that I tended to jump in and fix things for people. I’d always thought that it was because I was a giver. I’d never realized that it was because I thought I could bind them to me that way.
“Why do you suppose I do that?” I asked. “Do you think I have bad self-esteem?”
Greg leaned back, resting his head against the couch, too. “No. I don’t think that’s it. But you do seem to have an issue with your self-worth. You have a pattern of picking guys who are broken or damaged or whatever you want to call us, and then you throw yourself into trying to make everything better, which is lovely but—”
“But what?”
“You can’t fix other people, honey. They have to want to fix themselves. You need to stop settling for the diamonds in the rough, Annabelle. You deserve so much more. You deserve someone who is willing to fix their shit for you.”
We were quiet for a while. My brain was reeling. This new self-awareness changed everything.
“So are we good?” he asked.
“We will be,” I said. “Now that we’ve figured out what’s wrong with me, let’s do you.”
“Not necessary,” he said. “I already know what’s wrong.”
“Oh, really,” I said. “What’s that?”
“I’m an asshole.” He said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and I burst out laughing. For the first time since we’d split, I realized I’d missed him.
“Sophie’s wrong, you know,” I said.
“About?”
“You.”
“You told her I was in town?” he asked. I nodded. “Does she still call me the big disappointment?”
“We shortened it to the BD,” I said. He laughed and shook his head. I reached across the couch and patted his hand with mine. “But I think maybe you’ve outgrown it.”
“Well, I’m kind of partial to the initials,” he said. “I’ll just tell people they stand for something else.” He wagged his eyebrows at me, and I shook my head. Musicians.
We sat side by side for a long time, reminiscing about the good times we’d had and sharing news about our mutual friends and acquaintances. I made dinner and we laughed all the way through the meal, especially when Sir arrived and looked at Greg with his whiskers twitching as if he’d taken his seat.
When it was time for him to leave, I was genuinely sorry to see him go.
“Stay in touch?” he asked when he hugged me good-bye.
“Definitely,” I said.
He tipped his head to the side as his gaze met mine. “It was good to see you, Annabelle.”
“You too, Greg,” I said.
He put on his helmet and climbed onto his motorcycle. With a roar of the engine, he shot out of the drive. I waved until he disappeared from sight.
I turned and went back into the house, feeling exhausted and nostalgic and a little weepy. As soon as I stepped inside, I felt a change in the air. There was an electricity to it. I glanced around and then started. Standing in the open French door was Nick with his arms crossed over his chest as he leaned against the doorjamb. Sir was twining himself about his ankles and purring. Traitor.
Startled, I put my hand to my chest. Before I could offer a word of greeting, his hazel eyes snapped to mine and he asked, “Who the hell was that?”
25
“Well, hello to you, too. Damn it, Nick, you scared me,” I said. I felt a flash of guilt for the time spent with Greg but then shook it off. I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I was not going to feel as if I had.
“Who was he, Annabelle?”
“What do you care?” I asked. Yes, I was clearly spoiling for a fight. “I haven’t heard from you in days. As far as I know, whatever was happening between us is deader than dead, meaning I do not have to answer to you . . .”
He crossed the floor toward me with a predatory grace that made it hard for me to concentrate. Those hazel eyes of his were positively wicked. He was wearing an unbuttoned dress shirt over a tank top that looked as if he’d just thrown it on. Jeans and sneakers completed the look. I glanced down and noted that the sneakers were untied, so it was clear he’d been in a hurry to get over here.