Mom and Dad typically just chauffeur her around, so I’m surprised she drove down here by herself. “What … um, what’re you doing here?”
“Good to see you, too.” She smirks. “I know, I know, it’s weird that I’m here. I’ve never come for a sisterly visit.”
“And we’re not close,” I point out.
That might sound rude, but it’s true.
“In that, you are correct. You look …”
I think my sister is trying to give me a compliment but is clearly failing.
“Like I’m going through a breakup? I am.” My laugh is so bitter it’s not even funny.
“I’m sorry about that.” Kath seems genuinely upset for me. “Austin Van Hewitt?”
My mouth falls open. “How did you know that?”
She taps the side of her temple. “We saw you at the mall, remember?”
That seems like eons ago when we took that trip to Webton together. “Oh, of course. I forgot. Jeez, didn’t think you knew who the Van Hewitts are.”
“I live in barns, typically, not under a rock. Of course I know the royalty of Webton.” My sister wears a duh expression on her face.
Where I’m dark features and a rounded heart face, Kath is all sharp angles and fair skin. It makes her look far more intimidating at an equestrian competition; I’ve seen it.
“I came to apologize, and also give you this. It’s from Mom.”
She hands me an envelope, and I hold it delicately, like it might burn me. Ugh, another letter. Only drama and heartbreak have come from things that come in envelopes addressed to me.
“Thanks?” I hold up the letter.
I’m not going to open it here, in front of her. I don’t even know how long it will take me to actually make myself read it. I’m dealing with enough despair right now.
“I should have called on your birthday. It was awful of me, and of our parents. I’m so sorry, I overheard your conversation with Mom, and …”
She trails off, her eyes begging me to understand. “Sometimes I go off into my own world, Taya. And that’s selfish of me. I should be a better sibling, do better. Sometimes I see you and Amelie and Bevan and wish the two of us had that kind of bond. It’s always felt a little like you didn’t need me, but I see how you view it from your side. What you said on that phone call, I hated our family at that moment. We were so wrong, what we forgot for you was so wrong.”
Now I have to cry, because I’ve been keeping that hurt at bay. My breakup has taken front and center, but the sheer magnitude of what that birthday and how they forgot did to me all comes pouring down on me like an avalanche.
I’m swiping at tears, and then I feel Kath hug me, and my shoulder is wet from her tears. It’s the realest moment we’ve had in years, in maybe our entire relationship.
We both catch ourselves and take a step back, laughing through snot and hiccups. Then we go silent, realizing the breakthrough we just had.
“I should go. I think that’s enough for today.” She nods.
“But you just got here. Let me make you …” We have no food in the house, what with everyone leaving in a few days. “Uh … I have alcohol.”
“I’m sober, remember?” She made the pledge during a campaign for some sponsorship. “Sometimes my job really sucks.”
It’s the first time I’ve ever heard her refer to her sport as a job. Something must be happening behind the scenes, but it’s too much to get into now.
“Mom is really proud of you, you know.” My sister glances back at me as she heads for the door. “All she does when we’re traveling is moon over how many languages you can speak, and how you’re going to work for the United Nations doing such good someday.”
“Really?” That’s a shock to me.
“She talks about you constantly. How independent and smart you are. What a gem you are to the world. When she talks to me, it’s just horses, horses, horses. Just once, I want to be a normal girl. To go to college and have her dote on me and wonder what good I’ll do in the world.”
“And just once, I’d like to have her undivided time.” I shrug, my smile a sad one.
In another life, maybe we would have reached this conclusion sooner. Maybe we would have banded together instead of taking the roles of frenemies. Perhaps it’s not too late to realize that we’re not all that different from each other.
“We always want the other side of what we don’t have.” My sister gives me a sad smile.
“That’s very true.” In so many situations.
I’m about to bid her goodbye and shut the door when she turns around.
“When you come home, maybe we can grab lunch. Go to the mall for something other than riding clothes. Go to a party. I don’t know, something normal?”
My sister shrugs as if she’s embarrassed for asking, and I see her at this moment. Truly see her. She’s just like me. Just trying to fit in while also going after her dreams. She wants things that seem out of reach, and is … envious of me? I never thought that would be the case in my entire life.
“Sure. That sounds nice, Kath.”
When I smile at her, it’s genuine. For such a long time, we’ve been on separate pages. No, we’ve been in totally separate books.
This isn’t a resolution, it isn’t some happy-go-lucky family reunion, but we’ve taken a step in the right direction.
Through the fog of my shattered heart, I can see little beams of light peeking through.
37
Austin
I don’t know why I have to be here for this.
There is an end-of-year house meeting among the roommates, and I had to give Scott my last portion of the sublet rent, so here I am. This meeting is really about those living here next year and how they’re going to lock it up for the summer.
I should probably just leave, but I haven’t been in Taya’s presence for days, and I’m a fucking masochist along with a prick. She shouldn’t have to see my face, but I miss her like crazy. If this is the last time we’re in the same room, I have to stay.
“All right, guys, we have to talk about who is taking the TV home, who will be locking up last. I volunteered to come up here over the summer and check in on the place.”
Amelie, the peacemaker, starts the conversation off, and I tune out.
I know I’m the one who let Taya go, who made her break up with me. Call me coward, asshole, fuckboy, whatever name in the book. I am all of those things. But I’m also in love with her and don’t want to do what I did to her, unknowingly, for years. Make her feel like less of a priority, like she always comes second. I’ve heard how long distance goes, especially between young people. I don’t want that for her.
The girls are in the middle of talking about how to disconnect the washing machine—which is the dumbest conversation ever—when Callum walks in.
The tension and grief between him and Bevan is palpable. I know he left for Webton a few days ago, but someone clearly told him he needed to be here. And Amelie doesn’t skirt around the bullshit as soon as he sits down.
“We need to talk about the house now that …” Amelie trails off, at a loss for words. “Well, now that Callum has moved out and Austin is leaving.”