Still, I was a mess. Coach Dalton didn’t force me to stay those last two days, but what choice did I have? We had that final game in the championship, blew Spain out of the water, and I took the first flight back to California before the dust had even settled on the court.
My feelings for Raelynn were never something I could fully dwell on once I arrived back home. Caleb was in the NICU for a week and I barely got to visit him because of all the restrictions at the hospital, not to mention, once he was released, Shelby and I were still finalizing our divorce and barely on speaking terms. The custody arrangements hadn’t been worked out, and since she was exclusively breastfeeding, Caleb had to stay with her. It was a fucking mess. I was drinking more and losing focus. I didn’t return phone calls and missed offseason practices. I barely saw my friends and teammates and considered ending my contract with Los Angeles, taking a year off, or even quitting the game altogether.
Through it all, somehow, during dark moments and lonely times, I thought about Raelynn. I wondered what she was doing, how she was, if Patrick still messed with her, if people were tipping her well at Dale’s, if her grandmother was still doing okay. On my worst days, I imagined she’d moved on from me and had a boyfriend. I pictured her with some guy from her small town. The two of them settling down together, starting a family. I bought plane tickets to Texas four times, telling myself I was just going to show up and see her, convince her to give me a real chance. I’d pack my bags, drive to the airport—one time I even made it all the way to the gate, and then I looked at my life and realized I had nothing to offer her. Everything was chaos.
Even after Caleb made it out of the woods, he was a small baby. The first few weeks were touch and go, and his pediatrician was concerned with his failure to thrive. Shelby and I argued about our custody agreement, and I still couldn’t stand to be in the same room as Mike. A part of me hoped their romance would fizzle out once Caleb arrived, not because I loved Shelby still, but because I was miserable and I wanted everyone else to be miserable too. But Mike didn’t disappear no matter how much I wanted him to.
Slowly, over time, Caleb started growing, and since then, that boy has never stopped. He’s an eater. Anything we put in front of him gets shoveled into his mouth, and now, he’s off the charts for height and weight.
Against all odds, we adapted to our nontraditional family dynamic. I learned to live with Mike. He learned to defer to me concerning my son, and Shelby and I eventually agreed that we would split time with Caleb down the middle, though she takes him more when I have a heavy travel schedule, and I get more days with him during my offseason.
A few months back, Mike and Shelby even got married, and though I didn’t attend the small ceremony, I was somehow…okay with it all, even somewhat happy for them. Don’t ask me why. I guess I just know that Mike’s good with Caleb, and I’d rather Shelby be with someone I can trust around my son.
So here we are. One big family.
So what if I’m lonelier than ever? So what if I haven’t had time or interest to delve into dating since I left Raelynn behind in Texas? I’ve been focusing on being a dad, and right now, that’s the most important thing in my life. There’s no room for anything else. Caleb needs me.
“She’s here, Ben,” Anthony repeats like he wishes he could shake some sense into me.
I turn and walk away from him.
I don’t know what he wants from me. I’m still not even convinced he saw her. He’s my friend and he wants the best for me, but telling me Raelynn is here, giving me that hope…
I just can’t do it again.
I can’t go back to that place.
In the morning, I wake up when a foot collides with my nose.
Jesus Christ.
I jolt awake and look over to see Caleb sleeping sideways on the pillow beside me.
I went in and got him out of his crib last night. I don’t do it all the time. I know Shelby would kill me if she knew I was messing with his sleep habits, but I was away a lot last week and I didn’t get to see him much yesterday either.
I shift him and tuck him in right beside me. He stays like a limp noodle, totally out.
I glance over at the time, and once I see it’s past five AM, I know there’s no chance I’ll be able to fall back asleep. Even if I do, Caleb usually wakes up around six.
I grab my phone, keeping the light directed away from Caleb, and ignore the emails piled up. I scroll through social media, get bored, open the Kindle app, read a few pages, then get bored of that too. I glance over at Caleb to make sure he’s still sleeping, and then I open the internet browser and pause. I haven’t looked into Raelynn in months. It was a bad habit I needed to break, stalking her like that, perpetually hungry for details about her life. Now though, since last night, I’m too curious to resist the urge. What if Anthony was right? What if she’s back in California? I type Raelynn’s name into Google alongside Caltech, and I’m surprised when a new result propagates. I’d done the same thing in the past, and there were only the old articles about her scholarships and grants. There’s a link to the Caltech directory for her specific department. The page has a list of faculty, administrators, postdoctoral scholars, and graduate students. Raelynn is listed among the graduate students, and her name is a link as well. My pulse pounds as I click on it, but then disappointment follows swiftly when I see how little information the page actually contains: just her email, department, faculty adviser, and the physical address for the Cahill Center for Astronomy and Astrophysics.
I go back to Google and try a different combination of search criteria. I don’t delve too deeply into the implications of what I’m doing. It’s early and I’m lying in my dark bedroom, and I can almost live in denial. It’s not until I combine her name with her faculty adviser that a course website and PDF syllabus appears. At the top of the syllabus there’s a class name, time, and location.
I stare at it and contemplate doing the unthinkable.
Then Caleb stirs and I turn my phone off quickly, setting it face down on my bedside table like I’ve been caught. He pops his head up, his short curls flying in every direction.
“Morning, buddy.”
He tries to say morning back to me and he’s almost got it.
“I brought you into Daddy’s bed last night.”
He looks around, assessing the room. Then he laughs and throws himself on top of me, his head slamming into my rib cage.
“Ow! You stinker, that hurts.”
He only laughs harder, climbing on me. I tickle underneath his chin and he really loses it, and then I slide off the bed, grabbing him by his legs, and swing him up and into my arms.
“Let’s go eat breakfast.”
“Eggs!”
“How about a waffle?” I ask him, playing our game.
“Eggs!”
“Cereal?”
“Eggs!” he repeats vehemently.
“Ohhh, you want some scrambled eggs. You should have told me.”
My housekeeper, Nina, and Donna are already in the kitchen when I arrive with Caleb in my arms. He squeals and wriggles and demands to be put down so he can run over and cling to Donna’s leg.
“Good morning, baby,” she says, rubbing her hand through his curls. “I went in to check on you this morning and you’d mysteriously disappeared from your crib.”