“Oh, I won’t…I mean, I’m not sure I’ll be here.”
She rests her hand on my forearm. “Just if you’re here, hun,” she amends with a warm smile.
“And thank you for these clothes, by the way. Ben mentioned you put in the order.”
She waves her hand as if it’s no big deal just as Ben arrives in the kitchen with the last of the dishes and sets them on the counter for Nina.
“I have to take a quick call with my manager,” he says, looking my way. “You’ll be okay?”
“Of course. I’ll just help Nina.”
He disappears down the hall, and I make sure the table outside is cleared and clean of any stray bits of egg. When I walk back inside, Caleb’s barreling into the kitchen dressed in a Spider-Man shirt and matching shorts. Shelby’s right behind him.
“Okay, Nina, I’m going to take off. Thanks again for breakfast.” Then she glances over in my direction. “Raelynn, want to walk me out so we can talk for a second?”
I glance quickly at Nina and she smiles, which gives me the courage to follow behind Ben’s ex-wife as we head down the main hall, back toward the front door.
She walks beside me quietly until we’re out of earshot of the others, then she turns and smiles. I’m sure she can sense how nervous I am. I’m practically sweating.
“Just so you know, I won’t make a habit of dropping in like this unannounced. It’s never been an issue before because Ben…well…he never has anyone over here.” She laughs.
“I don’t mind,” I rush to say, holding out my hand. “I mean, you all are family, and with Caleb involved, it gets complicated.”
She furrows her brows as she studies me as if trying to see something beneath the surface that I’m hiding. Surely she must realize I’m an open book. Everyone says I have the worst poker face on the planet.
“Right. Yes. Obviously, Caleb comes first, but…” She looks down the hall, back to where Caleb is playing in the living room. “There comes a point when it’s not healthy for Ben to focus solely on his son. He’s been so wrapped up in him since he was born, and I understand why, I’m the same way…but still, I have Mike.”
I nod, understanding.
She looks back to me, and there’s a kindness in her eyes I wasn’t expecting to see. “I know you and Ben were seeing each other when I came to Texas to tell him about Caleb, and I know the timing of everything was really shitty and I’m sorry for that.”
I can’t resist the urge to squeeze her hand. “Oh my god, no. Don’t apologize.”
Her eyebrows furrow. “Honestly, I feel partly responsible for what he’s gone through this last year, and I mean, I am responsible. I cheated on Ben. I left him for Mike and I have to carry that with me for the rest of my life, but I’ve tried really hard to forgive myself for those mistakes and I’m at peace with it now, especially because I have Caleb.” She shakes her head. “Sorry…I know I’m rambling, I just wanted to let you know I’m on Ben’s side, which means I’m on your side too. I want the best for him, and if you’re the person he’s chosen, that means we all choose you.”
I blanch, worried she has the wrong impression. First Nina, now Shelby. “I don’t know if he’s chosen me. I mean, we only just reconnected.”
She smiles. “I saw the way you two were at breakfast.”
I flush, thinking back. What did we do? Were we that obvious?
I recall the way Ben kept his arm on the back of my chair as I spoke to Shelby, when he stood to refill my coffee and pressed a kiss to my hair. At one point, when Nina and Shelby were talking, Ben looked at me and smiled. I wrinkled my nose and he winked, taking my hand in his under the table. I thought we were being surreptitious about it all, but maybe I was only fooling myself into thinking that so we wouldn’t have to stop.
“You two will figure it all out. I just wanted to take a second to let you know I’m not going to be the bitchy ex-wife you have to contend with if you want to be with Ben. I’d like to see him happy.”
I nod, appreciating her words more than she knows.
She heads to the door after a final parting smile, and then I stand there long after she’s gone, mulling over everything she just said.
Am I not seeing what’s right in front of me? Or is everyone else insane? Ben and I have barely started dating again. We haven’t even worked out the kinks, and though it’s nice knowing everyone is rooting for us, it also feels like a lot of pressure. I try to push it all out of my mind as I head back into the living room. Caleb’s playing with a pile of trucks while Nina watches on, chopping vegetables in the kitchen. I go sit by him, keeping a healthy distance just in case he’s feeling shy, though I realize quickly I shouldn’t have bothered. The moment I sit down, Caleb picks up a shiny red firetruck and toddles over to hand it to me. I thank him for it then show him how to make a wee-eww wee-eww alarm sound. He copies me, smiling, and we stay down there for a while, playing and crawling around on the ground, zooming our trucks past each other until Ben finds us and asks me if I’d like to walk with them.
The three of us spend the afternoon together at the park in his neighborhood, and it’s all so easy. Caleb warms up to me faster than I expected, especially when I play chase with him at the park. He squeals in delight as I run after him. Then he shouts, “Ray-yin run! Ray-yin run!” over and over when I stop to drink water and take a break.
Ben takes pity on me and taps in for his turn at playing chase so I can catch my breath. I sit on the park bench and watch them, laughing. It’s hard to ignore that pang of what if as I watch Ben with his son. I can see glimpses of what could be if Ben and I stayed together, and a desperate longing starts to creep in. This life I want so desperately seems suddenly within reach.
What would it be like to have a family like this? Someone to care for and miss?
Since Nan’s passing, I’ve been on my own little lifeboat, adrift at sea, all by myself. I fill out forms at the doctor’s office and have no one to list as my emergency contact. I have no one to call with good news or bad news, no one to visit during the holidays. I’ve convinced myself it doesn’t bother me, but then why does it feel so good to walk back from the park with Caleb and have him hold up his chubby little hands, begging me to pick him up?
I look to Ben for permission, and he nods encouragingly. We brought Caleb’s stroller, but I’m happy to carry him even when my arms start to strain under his weight. His legs dangle down by my hips and he sucks his thumb into his mouth, laying his head against my shoulder as we walk. I choke up and am glad Ben can’t see. It’s embarrassing to be so moved by so little.
I know Caleb’s just a sweet boy who’d warm up to anybody who played with him as long as I did at the park, but I convince myself that I’m somehow special, that he likes me in particular, and it feels so good to revel in that fantasy.
Back at Ben’s house, we head into the kitchen to wash our hands and get a snack. Nina is at the stove, and there’s another woman here now too. She looks about the same age as Nina with a white-blonde pixie cut, kind blue eyes, and deep laugh lines that appear when she gives us a big welcoming smile. Ben introduces her as Donna, Caleb’s nanny, which makes sense because as soon as the kid sees her, he wriggles out of my arms and runs over so he can bury his face in her side.