His eyes went haunted again, and I didn’t know what to say, because I’d let him go. I’d protested and appealed to everyone inside the College who would talk to me, but in the end that was all I’d done, talk to people. I’d gone back to my own training, because She had been waiting for me, all gold and light and power and . . . she’d been my whole world, and that she consumed me enough to make me forget about what had happened to Jamie was the beginning of me questioning it, questioning her.
“I’m sorry, Levanael, sorry that I didn’t do more to help you when it happened.”
“It’s okay, Z, you were the only one from the College who ever came to find me. Even Surrie never came looking, I really thought she would.”
I debated again on telling him more about her visit, but wasn’t sure if it would help or hurt. A phone rang and saved me the debate, because it was the smartphone in his pocket, not mine.
“Emma!” The way he said her name was enough for me to know that he had a crush on her, if not more. They talked back and forth for a few minutes. Jamie’s face was more animated than I’d seen it in years. I prayed that Emma was enjoying her end of the conversation as much as Jamie was.
Jamie’s face sobered a little around the edges and then he held the phone out to me. “Emma says she needs to speak to you.”
I might have questioned it, but I wanted to talk to the person who had helped Jamie so much, so I just took the phone and said, “Hello.”
“Hello, Zaniel, if I can call you that. Levi says that you don’t always like people using your full name.”
“Of course you may.”
She gave this laugh that made me smile without meaning to, and said, “Then call me Emma.”
“Okay, Emma, you wanted to speak to me.”
“Yes, my guides said that you and Levi had experienced a major channeling event.”
I was quiet on my end of the phone.
“What’s wrong, Z?” Jamie asked, watching my face.
I repeated what she’d said.
He smiled. “Oh yeah, Emma is way hooked up magically. Her guides are good.”
I was so startled that I said the truth out loud. “I’m not sure anyone on my unit is this good.”
She gave that infectious laugh again, but I managed to fight off the smile this time. “Flattery like that will turn a witch’s head clean around.” I almost asked the mundane question of whether she meant that for real before another peal of laughter made me realize she’d made a joke. She was a witch, not a supernatural; her physicality and physics still worked like normal. I knew that, but for just a second, I wondered, and I knew better. I had to meet this woman. If she was this good, then even as a consultant for the unit she’d be valuable. There was a moment where I got that little psychic slap of That’s not what you’re supposed to be thinking. I took a breath and tried to center myself, quiet myself and hear the voice of God, or the angels, or I guess Emma would say my guides. I tried to be still and listen, instead of rushing ahead and thinking I understood everything.
I was rewarded with a faint warmth, that pulse of yes. I asked, quietly in my head, “What am I supposed to be thinking? What am I supposed to do here and now?”
Emma said, “There’s a great coffee and tea shop just down the street from where I work. If you and Levi can meet me there, we’d have enough time to talk before my first client.”
“Client?” I made the word a question with the inflection at the end.
“Reiki,” she said, fully expecting that I’d know it was a type of healing energy work.
“If Levanael is okay with it, that sounds great.”
“He doesn’t like being called that name,” she said, her voice more serious.
“He’s okay with it since the . . . major channeling event.”
“Really, that’s fascinating. I can’t wait to meet you and find out all the details.”
“What’s the name of the coffee shop?” I asked.
“The Cozy Cauldron. Can you please put Levi back on the phone and then I’ll see you both soon.”
Again, I found myself smiling without meaning to, as if she exuded joy. Was it a spell? I got that psychic poke saying Stop being so damn cynical. I handed the phone to Jamie and tried to be less cynical, but after this many years of being a cop it wasn’t easy to switch gears from cynicism to whatever the opposite of that was, and then I realized that I honestly didn’t know the antonym for cynical. I watched Jamie’s face light up again as he spoke to Emma and fought not to think it was too good to be true. I realized that what I’d lost somewhere along the way was belief in the basic goodness of things, that somewhere in all the everyday mess God still had a plan. Combat had made me question it, being a police officer had made me question it more, but it was losing Reggie and Connery that had finally broken something in me. Something I needed to keep trusting that the loss of Jamie to his illness, the loss of the first person who made me fall in love with Her, the loss of Surrie when I left the College, through all of it I had still believed, still had hope. I stood there watching Jamie’s face, the happy lilt in his voice like a small song of praise to the possibility of love with Emma, and I didn’t believe it was possible. They could fall in love, but the love that is supposed to be the purest reflection of God’s love for us, the love of a man for his wife and children, that was what I’d lost faith in, because I’d believed with all my heart and soul that Reggie was the one, and when Connery came along the love had just expanded until I thought my heart would explode with it. Instead, I had a dinner date with Reggie, and I’d been hopeful until I saw Jamie talking on the phone to a woman he was falling for, and I suddenly didn’t believe that Reggie and I would ever get back to that. We might get back to something, but it wouldn’t be this pure, unstained, shining adoration, and for a second, I hated them both, and then I was afraid for Jamie. Afraid of how hurt he could be if he followed his heart and Emma decided one day that he wasn’t the man she thought she married, and the man he really was, the reality of him, wasn’t what she wanted. How in the name of Heaven did a man cope with that?
I stood there and prayed that I wouldn’t let my broken heart harm Jamie and whatever was happening with Emma. I prayed for the grace not to be jealous or angry about it, and not to share out loud or by psychic leaks how I really felt.
He got off the phone and smiled up at me. “Emma says she can’t wait to meet you.”
I nodded, not trusting my voice, and finally said, “Gotta get a fresh shirt, then we’ll go.”
“Why did you need to borrow a shirt from your boss?” he asked.
“Got messy at work, you know how it is,” I said, and kept heading for the far door and the bedroom and away from his questions.
“I hugged you that last time, my hands touched something.” He started walking after me, saying, “Z, are you hurt? Is that why you have the day off?”
“It’s not that bad and it means I get to spend more time with you.” I didn’t turn around or slow down. I didn’t want to answer questions about the injury, especially not to Jamie, because I still wasn’t sure how fragile he was, or wasn’t. Talk about demons being corporeal enough to claw a person up would spook anyone.