“Don’t touch me. Stay away from me.”
“Hey.” She follows but doesn’t touch me. She squats next to me, keeping her hands to herself. “You’re okay. I’m not going to hurt you.”
“I’ll hurt you,” I rasp, my heart hammering in my chest, in my head. My God, I could hurt her in my sleep. What the fuck was I thinking, staying with her? I can’t protect her like this. I can’t protect her from me.
“Liam.” She reaches out for me, but I shrink away.
“Don’t touch me, Eleanor.”
“All right.” She holds up her hands. “I won’t touch you. I promise. I’m over here.”
“This isn’t going to work.” I swallow hard, over the cotton on my tongue. “This is a bad idea.”
“Take some breaths.”
“You don’t get it.” I push my face into my hands. I’m embarrassed and mortified that Ellie saw me like this, at my absolute fucking worst.
“Tell me then.”
“I have PTSD,” I say and take my hands away from my face so I can look her in the eyes. “Nightmares every night. I barely sleep, but when I do, this happens. Every time. I’m scared to death that I could hurt you, Ellie. And that’s the last thing in the world I want. It can’t happen. It won’t. So, we either have to keep seeing each other only during the day, or not at all. I’ll quit if you want me to.”
“You won’t quit.” She reaches out, and I don’t cower away this time when she lightly sweeps my hair off my wet forehead. “You’re sopping wet with sweat.”
“Your touch always calms me,” I admit in the dark. “You’re everything wonderful in this world that I don’t deserve. And I’ll be damned if I can bring myself to let you go.”
“You don’t have to let me go.”
I tug her into my lap and cradle her to me. “I’m so sorry.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Liam. You had a nightmare.” She cups my cheek and peppers the other with soft kisses. “I was just trying to pull you out of it. You were crying out, and it was heart-wrenching.”
“You were dying,” I confess. “In my dream, you were dying. And I couldn’t save you.”
“I’m right here,” she insists. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise you. And neither are you. We’ll figure this out.”
“You’re not afraid of me?”
She smiles sweetly. “No, I’m not afraid of you.”
“You should be.”
“You’d never hurt me.” Her voice is calm and sure. I wish with all my heart that I could be that confident. She kisses my cheek again. “You have been nothing but gentle and warm. Patient and kind. Liam, that’s who you are.”
“I could hurt you without knowing that’s what I’m doing, Ellie. That’s just it. I would never mean to, but it could happen anyway because my head is a shitshow.”
She hugs me close, not caring in the least that I’m dripping with sweat.
“When you woke up, you didn’t try to hurt me. You recoiled from me, Liam. You’re not going to hurt me. Now, come back to bed. I’ll keep you safe.”
“That’s my line.”
“You keep me safe all day. I can protect you from this. Trust me.”
She stands and reaches out for my hand. I take it and rise to my feet.
“Take your shirt off.”
I shake my head no, but she just waits for me to comply. Despite everything that’s happened in the past half hour, I’m still not ready for her to see my scars.
So, with my eyes on hers, I peel my shirt over my head and let it drop to the floor. As we climb into bed, I make sure my back faces away from her at all times. She’ll eventually see the healed wounds, but I don’t have it in me tonight to explain them.
They’re a roadmap of my journey in the Army. And I’m not ready to take that trip with her tonight.
Chapter 10
~Ellie~
He’s asleep.
I lightly brush my fingers through his dark hair and watch the moonlight dance over his square jawline. Waking up to his cries of pain was heart-wrenching. I didn’t know what to do. I’ve heard conflicting words of advice over the years. Some say you shouldn’t try to wake someone who’s in the middle of a nightmare, and others say you should.
All I knew in that moment was that I had to help him.
His terrified eyes as he cowered by the wall is something I won’t forget anytime soon. I can’t even imagine what he must have seen in his work to give him such night terrors.
But for now, I’ll watch over him as he rests. Liam makes sure I’m well taken care of every day. The least I can do is return the favor at night.
Everyone deserves a good night’s sleep.
“No, not now,” Liam mumbles as his eyebrows lower in a scowl.
“Shh.” I smooth that space between his eyes with my fingers and kiss his cheek. “You’re okay, love.”
He quiets, and his breathing returns to normal.
With Liam asleep, and me looking over him, I can take a moment to admire his chest. I’m grateful that he finally took his shirt off. I don’t know why he’s so self-conscious. His skin is smooth and tanned, and he has a tattoo over his right pectoral.
It’s a shield with some kind of ornamentation inside that I can’t make out in the dark.
I’ll have to ask him about it sometime.
The tattoo was a surprise. When Liam’s fully clothed, his skin looks unmarred.
He murmurs in his sleep again, and I drag my fingers down his cheek. He quiets and turns toward me, settling in.
Once I’m sure the storm has passed, I let down my guard and fall into sleep beside him.
The sun is up. I stretch out, expecting to come into contact with Liam’s warm skin, but the bed is cool.
I open my eyes and glance around. I’m here alone, which is immediately disappointing.
I was hoping for another lesson this morning.
It’s a bloody brilliant way to start the day.
When I turn over, my face brushes a piece of paper.
E-
Went for a run. Back later.
-L
I grin and hold the note to my chest. It’s not exactly a carefully crafted work of poetry, and there’s little warmth to the words. Still, it makes me ridiculously happy that he thought to pen the note at all, rather than just leave.
I slept lightly all night, waking often to check on Liam. From what I could see, he seemed to sleep well, which was a relief.
I pad out to the kitchen and make myself a cup of tea, then carry it with me to the bathroom. After a quick shower and minimal primping, I slip into the yoga shorts, sports bra, and tank that I’ve come to think of as my Montana uniform. It’s comfortable, and Liam’s eyes always light up when he looks me up and down while I’m in these clothes.
It’s a win-win situation all around.
I’ve just returned to the kitchen for another cuppa when Liam climbs the stairs to my flat. His eyes find me immediately, and he stalks to me, dripping sweat from head to toe.
“I just got out of the shower.” I hold up my hands in surrender, but he advances on me anyway. “Really, Liam, you’re a sweaty mess.”