“It’s not.” Robyn tugged my hand into hers and clasped it, her expression pleading. “Keep talking to me.”
“I needed to know I could survive alone,” I admitted hollowly. “That my happiness wasn’t dependent on you or other people. Even when you woke up and it was clear you were going to be fine, the fear didn’t go away. I thought for sure you would go back to the job, and I’d have this constant terror of something else happening to you hovering over me. So … I ran.”
“You went on the backpacking trip we’d planned together.”
I winced at her wounded tone. “Yes. Not to hurt you intentionally. It’s just that I met a bunch of people through this online group, and they were leaving so I decided to … run away. I had the inheritance from Dad’s mom.” I referred to the $5000 my grandmother had put in a bank account for me when I was born. I’d always planned to use it on my backpacking trip with Robyn. “It was enough to …” Self-recrimination oozed from every part of me. “Run away. Something you would never do.”
She frowned but nodded for me to continue.
“I realized within weeks of leaving how selfish I was being, and I hated myself for leaving you, for thinking only of myself. I can never take that back, but I want you to know that I am fully aware of how selfish that was.”
Robyn squeezed my hand in answer.
“I didn’t know how to return to you,” I practically pleaded with her now. “I was paralyzed by my bad choices, wondering how you’d ever forgive me … and the time just kept stretching on and it got harder and harder to come back. I was so goddamn scared that I’d damaged us irrevocably.”
The truth, the whole truth, hovered on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t quite admit just how badly I’d screwed up. “While on the trip, one of the guys … we slept together, and he got really clingy and obsessive. He’s one reason I didn’t come back because I was trying to put some distance between him and me. Eventually, I returned to Boston once I could face you, but you’d left for Scotland. And I was not in a good place. I started seeing Maddox, a guy who was not good for me—but I ended it,” I assured her. “And I was finally getting up the courage to face what I’d done to us. I’d booked a flight to Scotland.”
Her eyes widened. “When?”
“Before Lucy. The day before my flight, Mom called to tell me what happened. And I’m ashamed to admit, I spiraled again.” Suddenly, I did something I thought I’d never do; I turned to sit on my knees in front of my big sister and took both her hands in mine. “Please forgive me for being a quitter, a coward, selfish, inconsiderate, and unkind to you.” I pulled her closer. “I know it might not mean anything to you, but everything you’ve ever thought of me, I’ve thought a million things worse. I’ve hated who I’ve been this past year and a half, but I’m here to prove that’s not who I really am. I can be better. I am better. I know I am. Tell me you can forgive me. I’m not asking for it right away, but tell me you can at least try … because if you can’t, I can’t be here, Robyn. I don’t want to hate myself anymore. If I stay here with you hating me, I’m afraid I’ll never stop hating myself too.”
My sister pulled her hands from mine, but to my utter relief, it was only to enfold them in hers and squeeze them so hard it almost hurt. Her expression was fierce, her changeable eyes flashing an intense green. “You are my sister. I can be mad at you. I can have times when I don’t understand you. But I could never hate you. I love you. And I forgive you.”
A sob of pure gratitude broke free. Robyn hauled me into her arms. Burrowing into her, I rested my head on her shoulder, my arm tight around her waist, and cried.
She hushed me, rubbing a soothing hand up and down my arm. I felt like a little girl again. “You were right,” she said. “The other day when you mentioned how I was perpetuating the narrative Mom and Seth created for us—mostly Mom—you were right. I’ve thought a lot about it over the past weekend, with input from Lachlan, who is never without an opinion.” Her tone was dry. “And he helped me see that until the shooting, I’d unfairly labeled you because of Mom. He helped me realize that the things you got up to as a teenager were no more or no less than what most teens get up to. Our parents constantly compared you to me, and that’s not fair because I am, and have always been, boring and responsible.”
“You could never be boring.” I pulled out of her embrace. “But you’re right. Mom and Dad made it out as if I was some wild child. What did I ever do that other kids didn’t? The only real thing I ever did wrong was not knowing what I wanted to do with my life and abandoning you when you needed me.” I winced. “Sounds pretty bad when you say it out loud.”
Robyn huffed a small laugh.
“Sorry.”
She shook her head, her smile wavering. “Something you mentioned—this guy, this obsessive one. Did he hurt you? Is that why you want to learn self-defense?”
Attempting not to stiffen at the mention of Austin, I lowered my eyes. “He scared me, he didn’t physically hurt me. But yeah, he’s the inspiration for the training.”
“Is he still a problem?”
There was a chance he wanted to be, but I was in Scotland now, and there was no way he could get to me here. For a start, he didn’t know where I’d gone. “No,” I said, more out of wishful thinking than wanting to lie to her. So, okay, I didn’t want my big sister thinking I couldn’t handle myself or that I was a big screwup too.
“You’re sure?”
I nodded. “The training is just so I know how to defend myself. I should have learned long ago.”
“Physical activity isn’t really your thing.”
I wiggled my eyebrows. “Depends on the activity.”
“Stop!” She laughed, pushing me away.
And just like that, we felt like Robbie and Ree again.
“I love you,” I said.
Her expression softened. “I love you, too, kid.”
Just like that, a weight lifted from my chest.
“So you were keeping it from me deliberately?” I whispered in pretend aggravation and not-so-pretend awe as Robyn led me into the foyer of Ardnoch Castle. I wasn’t sure you could call it a mere foyer.
“No, not deliberately.” Robyn made a face. “I just had to make sure I had my Regan back. I wasn’t kidding. It’s important to Lachlan that as few nonmembers have access to the estate as possible.”
When she’d said she’d give me the tour I’d been hankering after, I quickly fixed my makeup in case we met anyone famous. There was no hiding my bloodshot eyes, but I was too happy Robyn had forgiven me to fuss about it.
I nodded, my attention dancing from one thing to the next. “Holy cow.”
“Right?” I could hear my sister’s smile in that one word.
The huge entrance had polished parquet flooring that made the space seem like it went on forever. The décor was very Scottish and traditional, but amped up a million knots on the luxury meter. A grand staircase descended before us, fitted with a red-and-gray tartan wool runner. It led to a landing where three floor-to-ceiling stained glass windows spilled a kaleidoscope of light down it. Then the staircase branched off at either side, twin staircases ascending to the floor above, which I could partially see from the galleried balconies at either end of the reception hall. There was a huge hearth on the wall adjacent to the entrance and opposite the staircase, but no fire burned within. I’d love to see it all lit up during the winter months.