He’d barely touched it when she pressed her hands against his chest. At first, he thought she was holding on to him.
But then a definite shove filtered through the fog of desire, and he released her quickly, stumbling away.
His chest heaved as he panted. His lips were as swollen as Regan’s looked. Curling his hands into fists, Thane had to force himself to stay still, to not fall on her like a starving man again.
That became easier when he realized she was crying.
“Mo leannan,” he whispered hoarsely, reaching for her.
“Don’t!” Regan pushed away his arm and rushed past.
“Regan!”
She whirled, looking so young and so … lost.
His heart thumped painfully.
“Do you know?” Regan asked, half yelling, half crying. “Do you know what it’s like to love someone this much and have them only want this one thing from you?”
No, she couldn’t think that. He shook his head to explain, but she cut him off as she continued, “And I was going to let you. I was going to let you screw me just so you could turn around and abandon me, again. Am I right? If we had sex right now, it didn’t mean you were giving us a real shot, did it?”
Shame flooded him, making his skin too hot, too tight.
She laughed bitterly. “I didn’t think so.”
“Regan—” He had to clear his throat; her name came out like he had gravel in there. “I just don’t want you to have any regrets about me.”
“Too late,” she bit out, backing away toward the door. “Because I already regret you. I regret every kiss I ever gave you, every piece of my heart … because as precious as every kiss and every piece of me is … you threw them away like I was nothing. And I’m the idiot who listened to everyone who said I should stay and fight for what I want. To show you I’m not going anywhere. But it will never matter, will it? I’ll never matter to you like you matter to me.”
Everything within him roared in outrage at her words, but it was like a raging fire bottled by fear. Before he could wrestle it open, Regan turned on her heel and fled.
Her last words rang in his ears, over and over and over. Thane stumbled back, hitting a wall, and he slid down it until he felt the floor beneath him. Drawing up his knees, burying his head in his hands, Thane fought back his frustration.
Why couldn’t he just let the past go?
Regan wasn’t Fran.
She was loyal to a fault.
And she loved Eilidh and Lewis. She would never hurt them.
“I’ll never matter to you like you matter to me. I’ll never matter to you like you matter to me. I’ll never matter to you like you matter to me.”
“You don’t know how wrong you are,” Thane whispered hoarsely.
Get up, then. Get up and go after her.
He wasn’t sure how long he sat there debating before he heard his name.
Lifting his head, Thane found Lachlan towering over him. His big brother lowered to his haunches, his kilt kicking out over his knees with the movement.
“What’s going on?” Lachlan’s brow creased with concern.
“I’m a coward.”
Lachlan sighed.
“I’m a selfish arsehole. Eilidh and Lewis ask for her every day. Eils cries at night before bed, wondering where she is.”
“And you?”
“I feel like I’m missing a limb.”
Lachlan sighed. “Then what’s stopping you? She’s yours as soon as you give her the right words. I’m frankly confused by it,” his brother teased. “She can do so much better than you.”
“Fuck off,” Thane snapped, not in the mood.
Lachlan grinned. “Problem is, she’s crazy about you. Any dafty can see it. She was watching you like a hawk all night. Roman Bright was trying to get into her pants, and she was so busy searching the room for you, she didn’t have a clue. It only made him try harder.” His lips pursed. “I’ll need to have a word with him. Remind him of club rules.”
Thane’s gut churned, not just at the thought of Bright pursuing Regan but of what she’d witnessed with Angeline. “I hurt her tonight.”
His brother’s amusement fled. “I know. But you can make it up to her. Christ, I had to fly all the way to Boston to grovel on my knees to get Robyn back. All you have to do is get up, get in the car with Jock, and follow the GPS tracker on Regan’s SUV.”
“She left?” He frowned.
Lachlan nodded. “She drove past my guests like a bat out of hell. Robyn made me tell security to open the gate for her.”
Scowling at the thought of Regan driving around in the pitch-black while emotionally distraught, Thane got to his feet and admitted something he didn’t want to. “I’m … I’m afraid that one day she’ll wake up and regret settling for me. For us. Because Eilidh and Lewis and I are a package deal. She takes on me, she becomes a mum to two young kids.”
His brother gave him an understanding look. “She knows that, Thane. The rest is up to you. The fear doesn’t go away. Every day I fight back the fear of losing Robyn. Some days it doesn’t even cross my mind … but there are other days it does, and it isn’t easy, but I fight it back because you were right: life with her is worth that battle.
“Your concerns about Regan leaving you will eventually go away. But it might take years. You just have to decide to trust her, to trust that she’s worth the risk. So if you’re waiting for certainty, for that knot of dread in your gut to melt away, you’ll be waiting forever if you don’t go to her. The only certainty you can trust is how you feel. And you wouldn’t be in this much turmoil, brother, if you weren’t in love with her.”
Thane let Lachlan’s words sink in, and they did with such profundity, he glowered at him. “Why the fuck didn’t you say that to me a week ago?” He pushed Lachlan roughly on the shoulder. “I need a car. Now.”
His brother’s lips twitched. “You can’t. You’ve been drinking. Jock will take you.”
“Now!” Thane demanded, already marching out of the room.
37
Regan
The image of that odious woman smashing her lips over Thane’s wouldn’t leave my mind! It had to be Angeline Potter, of all people! The woman had just ratted on me hours before and then put her sweaty little paws all over Thane.
How dare she!
How dare he!
I’d never experienced jealousy like it, watching that woman kiss the man I love, wearing his freaking kilt jacket just to make the image oh so cozy. The jealousy when Thane went on the date with that woman from his office building had been bad, but nothing compared to this. It consumed me. Because I knew it was the future I had to look forward to if I stayed in Ardnoch. One day he’d meet someone “more appropriate,” and I’d have to watch them kiss and watch her be affectionate with Eilidh and Lewis too. Watch them be a family together.
Tears blinded me and I forced them back, concentrating on the pitch-black road as I drove. Without even thinking about it, I found myself in Caelmore turning down the driveway toward home.
Except it wasn’t my home anymore.