Clare picked up a beer mat and tore thin strips off it. ‘I don’t have many friends,’ she said. ‘I have lots of acquaintances, but not many people who I would call genuine friends. I find it hard to trust people and very hard to let them in. Sarah’s the only person I’ve let get close to me, but even then, there’s a lot I’m guarded about.’
‘About what? About your past?’
‘Yes. And I’m not going to confess all about it to you either just now.’
‘I wasn’t asking you to.’
Clare looked up for a moment and caught my eye. ‘Good. Because I don’t want to talk about it.’ She cast her eyes down and continued shredding the beer mat. ‘Let’s just say that some bad stuff happened when I was younger. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life being the sort of person to whom bad things happened so I imagined the type of person I wanted to be: someone strong and confident who took no shit. I liked that person so I became her, particularly at work. It’s worked for me. I’ve just been promoted as a result. But that person’s not the whole me. Clothes, cosmetics, manicures… it’s just an image for that person, but it’s one that makes me feel comfortable and safe. It’s the one I want the outside world to see. It doesn’t define me, though. When I’m in on my own, I wander around make-up free wearing a Minnie Mouse onesie. That’s more the kind of person I am. But don’t you dare tell anyone that. Especially the onesie thing.’
I smiled. Clare in a Minnie Mouse onesie was not an image I found very easy to conjure up. ‘I’m sorry. As you said, I don’t really know you. I didn’t think.’
Clare pushed aside the scraps of beer mat and looked up. ‘Ditto. Must be an epidemic.’
I took another sip of my water. ‘I have a tricky question. Why are we like this with each other? Maybe addressing that will help us move on.’
Clare shrugged. ‘It’s how it’s always been.’
‘I know that. I vividly remember the first time I met you and the filthy looks you kept giving me.’ It had been Sarah’s second term at Manchester University and I’d finally agreed to visit for a weekend. Sarah had been so excited about introducing us that she seemed oblivious to the snarls from Clare the second we met. I’d never felt so uncomfortable or unwelcome in my life. It had deteriorated from there with Clare sneering at me for marrying so young and me defending my actions, swearing that we may be young, but we knew it would last. Hmm. Didn’t manage to prove her wrong on that one.
‘That was because you’d upset Sarah,’ Clare said.
‘What? How?’
‘By not visiting her sooner. It had been a big thing for her moving from here to a huge city. She was homesick for her family and for you and she was worried about the two of you drifting apart by living at other sides of the country, not to mention her being single and you being married. A visit from you in her first term would have reassured her that everything was okay. You kept promising you’d visit and you never followed through. She was devastated, you know. She thought there was no space for her in your life anymore now that you were a mature, married woman.’
Oh, the irony! She was right about me deliberately avoiding Sarah and her new life, but not about the reason. ‘I didn’t know she felt that way,’ I said. ‘Do you want to know why I didn’t visit in her first term?’
‘Enlighten me.’
‘I was scared to. I’d just married my childhood sweetheart, I was renting a flat in the only town I’ve ever lived in, was studying here, and planned to teach here when I graduated. My life wasn’t exactly filled with adventure. By contrast, my best friend who was originally going to do teacher training in Whitsborough Bay with me had decided it wasn’t the career for her, had changed to Business Studies at Manchester, and was about to start an exciting new life without me. I was scared of visiting her in case she saw me as the boring, unadventurous person I was, sticking out like a sore thumb against all these exciting new friends with whom she was living.’
Clare stared at me for a moment, her green eyes soft with understanding. ‘That’s pretty ironic,’ she said eventually. ‘What a pair of eejits you two were.’
‘Tell me about it!’
Clare sipped on her coffee. ‘I’m sorry I judged you. I never paused to think there could be another explanation for you not coming.’
‘Thank you. And thanks for telling me about Sarah. I only thought about myself, not how it affected her.’
‘What made you visit in our second term, then?’
‘We spent time together over the Christmas break and I realised she was still the same Sarah, but if I didn’t make an effort to fit into her new life, our relationship might not stay the same. I was dreading meeting you, though.’
‘Why?’
‘Because you were the new me. You were the person with whom she did everything. Up until that point, it had been the two of us against the world.’
Clare shook her head. ‘You’re saying you were jealous of my friendship with Sarah?’
‘If you want to put a label on it…’
Clare laughed. ‘Yet more irony because I was jealous of you too.’
I smiled. ‘Really? Why?’
‘I’ve already said I don’t make friends easily, but there was something about Sarah. I warmed to her the minute I met her. She’s the only person I’ve ever fully trusted. She’s also the sort of friend I wish I’d had when I was younger to support me through…’ She tailed off and stared out of the window.
I cleared my throat and she looked back at me, a distant look in her eyes, then continued. ‘She was the friend I’d have wanted and, childish as I can see it is now, I was jealous that she’d had you and you’d had her at a time when I hadn’t had anyone. I wanted to make the most of my time with her and not share her with you.’
‘Wow!’ I said. ‘So we were both jealous of each other and we’ve let it drag on for twelve years. Pretty stupid, eh?’
Clare rolled her eyes. ‘Eejits. I don’t think that’s all, though. I think we’re very different personalities so we clash. Sarah’s somewhere in the middle.’
‘True.’ I held out my hand. ‘Do you think we can call a truce for Sarah’s sake?’
‘I’m willing to give it a go if you are.’
We shook on it. As I sat back in my chair sipping my tea, I realised that I’d finally seen something vulnerable about Clare and instantly I didn’t feel threatened, inferior, ugly or undesirable next to her. How could I? She was just as insecure and messed up as me. Something had clearly happened to her when she was younger that had scarred her for life. I suspected we’d draw a line in the sand and tolerate each other going forwards – too much water under the bridge to become friends – but I wondered if she’d ever fully open up about her past to Sarah because it sounded like she had demons to face. Only time would tell.
26
‘I really appreciate you helping me to re-stock.’ Sarah set a box of gifts down on the shop floor next to me. ‘It’s not the most exciting way to spend a Friday evening, especially when we were meant to be going out for a meal.’