And our time together is still perfect.
I don’t need to know his surname and he isn’t getting mine. I don’t ask about the darkness from his past, but I learn of his love for Switzerland and his hatred of hot weather.
He finger-combs my hair, his touch perfectly gentle for such a strong man, as I lay cuddled around his waist.
He makes sure I still have access to money to get home. That I have ID stored in my cell to be able to board a flight. He treats me like a treasure as my heart becomes full and my eyes grow heavy.
Sleep is inevitable. The adrenaline and alcohol knock my feet out from beneath me, and all I want is a nap. I just expected him to still be here when I woke.
Instead, the only thing left behind is a note on the coffee table in a now empty suite.
Amore mio,
I couldn’t wake you for two reasons:
1. It seemed sacrilegious when you sleep like an angel.
2. I didn’t want to give you closure by saying goodbye.
This isn’t the end for us, even though I assume you’ve told yourself it would be. We will see each other again. I’ll make sure of it.
M.
I’m sucker punched by the intense level of desperation and heartache that overwhelm me once I realize he’s gone.
His presence lingers in the bedroom. His delicious scent clings to the sheets. And even after I leave his suite, I can’t release myself from the hold he has on me.
I cancel the last remaining night on my reservation and return home to a place that doesn’t feel the same as it had when I left.
I’m not the same.
The tingle in my chest inspired by Matthew’s existence stays with me. I can still smell him. Can still feel the brush of his lips against mine.
But when Stella and Tobias come home Friday night, I put the infatuation to the back of my mind and dedicate the time to my daughter.
I thrive in our moments alone, because thanks to my brother, I only get to see her one weekend a month.
We watch movies and talk about boys. We eat popcorn, give each other mani-pedis, and make up for the distance usually placed between us.
As much as I hate her living in Chicago, it has become clear she’s flourishing with the independence.
Maybe I am, too.
She didn’t even notice the swelling on my cheek, the bruising now hidden beneath numerous compacted layers of foundation.
We spend two wonderful days together, made all the better by the sordid text messages Matthew sends me on the regular. He’s become my dirty little secret. A treasure for me and me alone.
Each silenced vibration of my cell chips away at my resolve to keep things casual. I grow empowered by his determination, loving the way my confidence builds with his attention.
Our monthly family lunch on Sunday at Cole’s house feels different, too. Usually I have a sense of underlying heartache whenever I’m surrounded by the perfect pigeon pairs. Everyone has a partner to rely on. Cole has Anissa. Then there’s Hunt and Sarah, Keira and Decker, as well as Luca and Penny.
This time, there’s no pain or jealousy.
I can’t even wipe the subtle smile from my face as we all hug in greeting.
It feels like Matthew is here with me. Or maybe could be in the future.
I spend the meal daydreaming about what my perfect world would look like. How Matthew would take the seat by my side at upcoming dinners. How he’d understand who I was and where I came from without judgment or anger.
I deliberately skip past the introduction phase in my mind, knowing the first few months would be filled with paranoia and interrogation from Cole. But what came afterward would be bliss.
We’d cuddle on the sofa, unashamed of any public display of affection. We’d have each other’s backs. And for once, I’d be the one to make everyone jealous because my relationship was enviable, not fake and devoid of emotion.
It isn’t until Stella and Tobias leave the dinner table to escape into the backyard that my daydreaming stops.
Everyone else’s hype and excitement over having the kids home disappears as if it were a facade. Keira, Penny, Sarah, and Anissa fall quiet. Cole, Hunter, Decker, and Luca’s conversation becomes stilted, their responses turning sharp and gruff.
I missed the cause of the transition while in my imaginary state.
Something that must have been important.
I glance at each of them as I nibble on a bread stick, the hair on the back of my neck standing on end when more than one of them meet my gaze before quickly glancing away.
This is about me.
The tension seeping into the air is somehow my doing.
I discard the half-eaten bread stick onto my plate and pat the corner of my mouth with a cloth napkin. “I’ll pack the dishwasher.”
I push to my feet, preparing to cut and run. Nothing good can come from this vibe.
“Sit,” Cole grates. “We’ve got things to discuss.”
My stomach grows heavy. “Like what?” I reach for my sister’s cutlery to my right, pretending I’m immune to the tension.
Anissa pastes on a friendly smile. “How have you been handling life without Stella?”
“I’m doing well.” I fight a frown. It’s no secret my brother’s wife and I have had our share of trials over the years. We don’t do feelings, which is why it’s strange for her to ask. “Obviously, it’s tough. But I’m handling it.”
“You’re glowing,” Penny adds. “Have you met someone?”
My hand pauses in the middle of reaching for the dirty serving spoons. I’m caught at what to say and know it seems entirely forced when I chuckle a few seconds later. “I guess my new skincare regime is working. I have late-night online tutorials to thank for that.”
“It’s definitely working,” she adds. “I’ve never seen you like this.”
My heart pangs. Guilt follows.
She’s never seen me like this because I’ve never felt like this. Not even while married.
“Is this new skincare regime the reason you cancelled your credit card?” Cole raises a taunting brow. “Have you been making purchases from a disreputable company? Were you scammed?”
He’s playing with me. Mocking. The worst part is, nobody attempts to save me from his underlying recrimination. They all sit and stare, waiting for answers.
“I lost my purse.” I hold my brother’s gaze. “It’s not a big deal.”
“When you were out of town?” Keira asks.
“Yes,” I grate. “While I was out of town.”
I keep staring at Cole as his eyes narrow, the authority in his gaze raising my apprehension. I know this look. I know what comes along with it, too.
“You’ve met someone.” Keira pushes from her chair and grabs my dirtied plate topped with cutlery. “That much is obvious. You walked in here with a bounce in your step and this subtle giddy smile.” She starts for the kitchen. “I don’t know what I’ve done to be blocked from the happiness in your life, Lay, but it hurts that you didn’t share this with me.”
I don’t deny her observation.
I keep staring at my brother as crockery clutters into the sink. He’s angry, but not like my sister. The tightening in his jaw lets me know he’s positively fuming.
“What, Cole?” I sigh. “You told me months ago that it was time to move on. Are you retracting your approval now that you’ve seen me happy for once?”