Once they were gone, I got right down to the point. “Where’s my daughter?”
“None of your business.”
“Oh, trust me, kid. It’s going to be my business when I’m serving you with custody papers.”
“Are you insane? She doesn’t even know you!”
“Whose fucking fault is that?”
“Yours! You left me, asshole! What did you expect me to do? Grovel and beg you to stay for me and a baby you didn’t want?”
“I wanted you, Autumn. I’ve always wanted you.”
“Well, you had a shitty way of showing it. I’ve been trying to tell you—”
“You haven’t been trying shit. You want to know how I know? Because I still don’t know the fucking truth!”
“Oh my God! Will you ever stop?!”
“Do I look like I want to be yelled at?! Do I seem like I want to be fucked with?! Now tell me where my daughter is before I lose the last bit of patience I have with you.”
She pushed me. “Get out of my face! You have no right to make these demands! You told me you’d never love me!”
I stood closer to her. “How could you keep this from me? Christ, kid. After everything, how could you not tell me we made a baby?”
“I thought you would come back, alright? I waited for you. I didn’t think you wouldn’t come back for me and after time went on, I realized you weren’t ever coming home again. By that time it didn’t matter anymore.”
“Oh, it mattered, Autumn. How the fuck could you keep this from me? Were you ever going to tell me?”
“Yes. I was trying to figure out the right time.”
“You expect me to believe your bullshit lies?”
“I’m not lying.”
“Well, I don’t trust you.”
“Great. Don’t trust me. If you want to stand there and pretend like I’m the villain, then go right ahead. I’ll be the bad guy, if that’s what it’s going to take for you to not involve your lawyers in this. Please, Julian…”
I shook my head, eyeing her up and down as I backed away. I had to remove myself from this conversation before I said something she could use against me if we needed to settle this in court.
Unable to hold back, I threatened, “This whole time you’ve been saying I’m an asshole. Well, sweetheart, you haven’t seen anything yet.”
Fear replaced the anger in her expression, and for some reason, my mind kicked to another place and time.
Where looking at her didn’t make me hate her.
Chapter NINETEEN
—Julian—
Then
I sat in my car with a bottle of TX Straight Bourbon Whiskey in my grasp, staring at a house that held one big, happy family. For the last three hours, my car was parked behind a huge oak tree. No one could see me, not that anyone was looking. I chugged my bottle, drinking away the uncertainty of what I was going through. I didn’t think I had it in me, but there I was…
Sitting.
Waiting.
Fucking numb.
I’d only just searched for her in the last month, never imagining I’d actually find her.
Them.
Their toys were scattered all through the yard, there was even a fucking basketball hoop in the driveway. A white picket fence circled their home with a bright red door. This house was straight out of a Home and Gardens magazine. The grass was perfectly cut, flowers and plants accentuated the property flawlessly. There was a white swing on the porch with pillows and a blanket. This house was everything you would want to raise a family in.
When an Audi SUV pulled into the driveway, the next thing I knew, I was getting out of my car, watching as they exited their vehicle too. The woman stepped out last, heading straight toward the back-passenger seats where she opened the door to reveal a car seat. She unstrapped a baby and pulled it into her arms as two other kids flew out and hauled ass toward their father, who was walking out the front door.
A boy.
Two girls.
Three children.
Happy.
Laughing.
Loved.
I was powerless, unable to stop myself from witnessing the reality of a family I wasn’t good enough for. I couldn’t help but notice that the man was an older version of me. He was sporting a beard with gray hair intermixed, and it was also around the temples of his head. Though, it was his piercing blue eyes that caught my attention the most—they mirrored my own. It was almost like I was looking into a mirror of what my appearance would be in thirty years.
I didn’t expect to see him or meet him. I was only prepared for her. After all these years, I always assumed she was the one who gave me up. Now to learn that it was both of them triggered feelings I didn’t know I felt until that very moment.
Sadness.
Confusion.
Abandonment.
The emotions were endless, piling up one right after the other.
Taking a deep, reassuring breath, I inhaled through my nose and exhaled out of my mouth, trying to shake off the bullshit they evoked. From then on everything sort of played out in slow motion.
The man greeted, “Hey, honey,” kissing her on the lips.
She responded, “Hey,” smiling lovingly at him. “Can you help me with this little guy?”
He smiled and grabbed their son from her arms, throwing him up in the air, making the baby squeal in delight. I felt as if my body was giving out on me—the emotions were ruthlessly taking ahold of me.
Why didn’t they want me? What was wrong with me? Why was I so easy to give up? Why not them?
Maybe they were too young and thought I’d ruin their future. We might have looked the same, but I would never abandon my kid to the fucking system of all places.
One thought led to the next, making me sick to my stomach. I never considered them still being together and having a family. I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. But the longer I stood there, the further my resentment and anger grew.
It wasn’t until the woman’s gaze found mine through the yard that I truly wanted to scream, “Why didn’t you want me?”
She didn’t move.
She didn’t speak.
She didn’t show me anything.
Nothing of what I’d hoped I’d see.
Seconds, minutes, hours could have flown by, and not once did I look away, openly showing her my agony and dismay. She knew who I was, that much I could see. Except, she didn’t give a flying fuck. She was the woman who’d brought me into this world, and at that moment, it was obvious that it was all she’d ever be. I wasn’t her son. I was just an accident and mistake she gotten rid of. She must have read my mind, because she simply turned and left. Everyone followed her into their home, and I continued to stand there and consider my options. I could knock on their door, make a big, ugly scene. Confront them, ask them everything, but in the end it wouldn’t matter.
It wouldn’t change one damn thing.
Instead of getting answers, I locked up my emotions like they never existed to begin with. Getting in my car, I left. Wanting to get lost and not be found. My mind was a jumbled mess of what the fucks. My head was pounding so hard I could barely see straight. It felt like a hammer was beating in my skull.