He was so intent on playing, I didn’t see the need to interrupt him as I loaded a movie in the DVD player. Sitting down on the couch, I relaxed and just enjoyed his happiness. Something must have caught his attention because after a few minutes he looked up and smiled. “Now?”
There were usually so many layers and questions behind his eyes that it was almost distracting to see the bright openness that stared back at me. This was my Joey. “Yes, come here. I’ve got your cup ready.”
He hopped up and almost bounced across the room before throwing himself into my lap. He giggled as I dramatically groaned, curling himself around me. “Cartoons, Daddy.”
“That’s right.” The only thing that would make it better would be to have a bottle for him, but a sippy cup would work for the time being. “Lie down and relax.”
I’d thought he’d make it until after lunch before he needed to wind down and possibly take a nap, but I was starting to second-guess that plan. Joey didn’t necessarily look tired, but his entire focus was about being cuddled and held, so that could easily lead to a nap.
As he got himself situated, I turned on the movie. When he finally settled down, his bottom was on the couch beside me with the rest of his body draped over me or wrapped around me. “Lie back a bit.”
He was nearly twisted like a pretzel. As he lay back on the armrest, I leaned into it so he was still tucked against my chest. “That’s better.”
As the old cartoons began to play, I brought the cup to his lips. Joey sighed and snuggled even closer before opening his mouth. Sucking in a slow steady rhythm and watching the TV, his body lost the last of his stress until there was nothing but smiles and happiness radiating from him.
After a few episodes of cartoons that had been old when I was little, his milk was done and he was starting to wiggle and stroke my arm. Taking that as a hint he was ready to switch activities, I paused the movie. “Are your toys waiting for you?”
He turned that innocent smile at me and nodded. “Yes, Daddy.”
“Okay, you play and I’ll start getting lunch ready.” Kissing his forehead, I couldn’t help the way my heart ached as he gave me a hug before sliding off the couch, giggling and stretching out by his toys.
There was a big part of me that wanted to know what worries or questions had been filling his head earlier, but I knew I might never find that out. He was a fascinating mix of honesty and nervous secrets and as much as I wanted to know every single thought in his head, that wasn’t reasonable.
No matter what kind of relationship we had.
****
“What are you reading?” Joseph’s voice coming from the floor pulled me away from the article I was reading.
He’d been curled up in a blanket fort reading for the past hour, hardly moving.
“I thought we weren’t going to talk about book preferences? You got very squirmy when I asked about yours. Science fiction must have changed in the last few years for it to make you that nervous.” I grinned when he groaned and ducked back inside his little fort.
Chuckling, I set my tablet down. “Well, since I have nothing to be embarrassed about, unlike some people, I don’t mind sharing.”
One of the pillows he’d been snuggling came flying in my general direction, but since he was still hiding, it didn’t quite make it. “I can’t tell if you’re just embarrassed or if you’re trying to earn that spanking you’ve probably been reading about.”
His groan said I’d hit the mark fairly close.
He’d always liked space adventures, but I was pretty sure these days he could find them with a bit more action than they’d used to come with.
“You’re evil.” His groan and the level of drama radiating from him said he didn’t mind.
“I don’t know about that. I’m just responding to how naughty you are.” When another groan came from the pile of blankets and pillows on the floor, I just laughed.
“I was just curious, old man.”
Someone was feeling feisty. It must’ve been a very good book indeed.
“I downloaded a few articles on some of the hospitals in this region before I left civilization. I’m trying to get a feel for how they’re run and what they might be like. I’ve got a few interviews coming up at the beginning of the year and I wanted to get more details before I went in.” But finding unbiased information was difficult.
His head peeked out and he sat up in his little nest inside the fort. “Is it helpful?”
I shrugged. “Not really. For the most part, I’m just finding very one-sided articles. This place is great or these people are Satan. Passionate but unhelpful.”
When he started to wiggle and stretch, I shifted on the couch and opened my arms. “Come here.”
His cheeks pinked, but he squirmed out of his mound of pillows and blankets. “I’m not little or overly emotional.”
That didn’t mean we couldn’t cuddle, though.
I scoffed. “As if I need a reason to cuddle you.”
He might have blushed deeper, but his smile gave a different story. “Forest is just as bossy as Daddy.”
I laughed quietly as he climbed up on my lap. “I’m not suffering from some kind of multiple personality disorder.”
Joseph burrowed his head in my chest. “That’s not what I meant.”
Wrapping my arms around him, I stretched out on the couch and started stroking his back. “I’m just teasing. Yeah, it can seem that way sometimes, but it’s really all the same picture. You’re just focusing in on different parts every time you look at it.”
He nodded then rolled over so he was lying on me, his chest pressing against mine. It was impossible not to react, but I ignored it as I ran my hand over his head and down his back.
“Are you thinking about getting a job close by?” His fingers were making slow circles on my side. It wasn’t enough to tickle, but there was no way to ignore the gentle caress.
“Yeah, the past few years have been…well, I’m ready to settle down again.” The past few years had been long and dark at times, but I wasn’t going to ruin the moment and stress out my cuddly boy. He’d had enough of that in his life already.
“The nomadic lifestyle gets to you after a while.” I kissed his head, running my fingers through his hair. It wasn’t long, but there was just enough to play with and it was relaxing.
“I think I’m ready for a more traditional job again, but I hadn’t decided where I wanted to settle.” When the world was wide open, narrowing down what to do could be difficult.
“Don’t you have a family?” I could feel the tension building in him. “I mean, I thought you said they didn’t react badly?”
“They didn’t, but they were killed about five years ago. We had an older house and carbon monoxide detectors were never installed, so when there was a problem with the furnace they never had a chance.” At the time it felt like a cosmic joke. With no one to blame, understanding why it had happened had been even more difficult.
He hugged me tight. “I’m sorry.”
Kissing his head, I smiled. “Thank you. But they were both an only child and the few relatives I know of are all fairly distant. So there’s no one I really want to live near.”