“Oh, nothing. I was just sitting around waiting for a phone call from my friend Ari, hoping against hope that today was the day that he would finally call.” And then she started laughing, a little overly amused with herself.
“Susie, you’re starting to piss me off.”
“I wish I had a nickel for every time you said that to me.”
“You want me to apologize for waiting twelve years to call you on the phone?” Oh shit, I thought. I wasn’t exactly making myself look good. I was thinking that maybe an apology might not be such a bad idea.
There was a brief silence on the other end of the phone. “Ari, did you hear what you just said to me?”
“Unfortunately, after I said it, I did hear it.” And then I knew what the right thing to say was. “I’m sorry, Susie. Being friends with people isn’t my strong suit. And I haven’t had a lot of practice. And I knew you and Gina weren’t just bugging the shit out of me for the fun of it. I wasn’t invisible to you and Gina—and I liked being invisible. I wanted to be left alone. And you didn’t accept that. And I’m glad, I am, that you and Gina took the time to see me.”
I knew it was coming. She was crying. I mean, that’s what she did. Her tears were part of the way she lived in the world. I waited for her to stop crying.
“Your loneliness made me sad, Ari. And there’s something about you. I mean, people are like countries, and me and Gina, and your friend Dante, we’re all countries—and maybe you’ve given your friend Dante a visa. But even if you have, that’s just one person. And one person isn’t enough. Having friends is like traveling. Gina and I have offered you a visa to travel to our countries whenever you want. So, Ari, when are you going to give us a visa? We want so much to visit you. We want so much for you to show us around your beautiful country.” And she was crying again.
Her tears used to bug me. But I was thinking that it was really pretty sweet—to be so sensitive.
And then I said, “Well, that’s exactly what I was calling about. I wanted to inform you that all the paperwork has been processed and your visa has been approved to enter into the country of Ari. But you’re entering at your own risk.”
I knew she was smiling. And it made me happy that I had made that phone call. It was hard—but change was a difficult thing. And I was starting to discover that change didn’t just happen—I had to make it happen.
“Listen, I was going to ask you and Gina to come over for lunch today. I know it’s sort of a last-minute thing, and I know you’re probably busy and—”
She stopped me right there. “We’ll be there,” she said. “Damn straight we’ll be there.” I wished she hadn’t used that word.
“But you haven’t talked to Gina yet. How do you know she’s not busy?”
“Believe me, she’ll get unbusy.” And then she paused and said, “I don’t mean to question your sincerity, Ari, but I can’t help but feel you’re up to something.”
“Well, maybe I am up to something. But it isn’t anything nefarious.”
“Nefarious. I love that word.”
“I know you do. It was you who introduced me to that word.”
She laughed.
“Twelve o’clock. You know where I live.”
I hung up the phone. And I noticed I was trembling. I didn’t know what I was doing. The Ari I used to be would never behave like this. But the Ari I used to be was disappearing, though I knew he would leave parts of him behind. And the Ari I was becoming hadn’t quite arrived just yet. I couldn’t stop trembling. I was afraid. I didn’t know how to go about any of this. For a moment, a kind of panic took over me, and I couldn’t breathe. I felt sick—and I ran to the bathroom and threw up.
I took a deep breath. And then another. And then another. And I just kept telling myself that everything was going to be okay.
I was doing the right thing. I didn’t like placing my life in other people’s hands. It didn’t have anything to do with Cassandra or Susie or Gina. But deep down I already knew that my whole life was going to be in other people’s hands. And I felt an anger in me, and then I felt myself trembling again and I wondered if this was what the earth felt like during an earthquake, but then I thought, No, no, this is what a volcano feels like when it’s about to explode. I felt dizzy and sick, and I found myself retching whatever was left in my stomach into the toilet bowl. I don’t know why, but I was crying and I couldn’t stop and didn’t want to stop.
And then I didn’t feel anything and I wanted to feel something, so I whispered Dante’s name and I started to feel something again. For an instant I wanted to be someone else or some other version of me, one who liked girls, and feel what it was like to be a part of the world and not just living in its corners. But if I was that guy, I wouldn’t love Dante the way I loved him, and that love was the most painful and beautiful thing I had ever felt and I never wanted to live without it.
And I didn’t give a shit that I was young, and I had just turned seventeen and I didn’t give a shit if anyone thought I was too young to feel the things that I felt. Too young? Tell that to my fucking heart.
Five
LEGS AND I WERE SITTING on the steps of the front porch, and she just wasn’t a puppy anymore. She moved toward Dante as he walked up the sidewalk. He knelt down and hugged her. I smiled when he kept telling Legs how much he loved her.
He sat next to me and he looked up and down the street, and when he saw that the street was empty, he kissed me on the cheek.
“I have a story to tell you.” And then I told him everything that had happened between Cassandra and me. And I didn’t leave anything out that was important, and I told him that Cassandra was right about telling Gina and Susie and that I’d invited them to lunch but I had no fucking clue how I was going to begin the conversation or the revelation or the coming out or whatever the hell you wanted to call it. And I watched him as he listened to me, never taking his eyes off me.
And when I finished, he said, “Sometimes loving you makes me miserable. And sometimes loving you makes me very, very happy.” And I was glad that he’d told me that sometimes loving him made him miserable because sometimes loving him made me miserable too. Knowing that made me feel like I wasn’t a complete piece of shit. And I also knew that I had just made him happy.
“And you know, now you can stop being in love with hating Cassandra. All the time it was Cassandra this and Cassandra that.”
“I don’t remember talking about her that much.”
“Well, I was exaggerating. But I do remember telling you that I’d like to meet this Cassandra and you said, Oh no, you don’t.”
Just then, Gina Navarro’s Volkswagen pulled in front of the house. As she and Susie walked up the sidewalk, Dante got up and gave them each a hug. Was this how it was going to roll? Shit. Dante was already setting the bar for a behavior that just wasn’t the way I showed my affection, but yeah, yeah, I got up and hugged them both.
And then Gina said, “Were you abducted by a UFO? Did they mess you up and change you into someone else, a nicer version of who you used to be?”
And then she looked at Dante and said, “Dante, fess up, where did you put the real Ari that Susie and I loved to hate?”