I smiled to myself as he talked to a girl who was obviously flirting with him.
Gina knew half the world. Or it seemed like she did. Mostly everyone wore a costume—but not everybody. And those of us who didn’t were frowned upon—especially me. I know you’ve changed, Ari. But you haven’t changed that much. Too good to wear a costume, huh? You didn’t wear a costume. Of course you didn’t. I got that one all night. It was the equivalent of Look at you, Ari, you look just like your father. I smiled and was a good sport about it.
Cassandra actually looked like a goddess. And I told her so.
“Was that a compliment?”
“I thought so.”
“It didn’t come out sounding like one.”
“Well, maybe you won’t be winning any more friends if you scare the hell out of people with those looks of yours.”
“Like I’m interested in winning more friends. I’ve got the friends I need. Why get greedy?” She kissed me on the cheek.
I was onto her. Every time she thought she’d won another round of our yearlong debate, she’d kiss me on the cheek.
She pointed to one of our classmates. “Would you rather I’d come as the Wicked Witch of the West?”
“Well, maybe Glinda the Good Witch.”
“I’ll take the Wicked Witch any day. Or,” she said, “what about her?” She pointed her chin at a girl who was dressed as Snow White.
“Somehow I don’t picture you singing ‘Someday My Prince Will Come.’ You could’ve come dressed as a man.”
“Better to come dressed as a prostitute.”
“Better to be a prostitute than a man?”
Someone had turned up the music. “Why ask a question when you know the answer? Shut up and dance with me.”
I didn’t know how to dance. I danced anyway. Though I’m not sure bobbing my head up and down qualified as dancing. Cassandra, she could dance—and when she danced, nobody noticed if she even had a dance partner or not. That didn’t bother me at all—but I was happy when Dante cut in. I retired to the corner of the room. Just as I made myself comfortable, Susie found me. “C’mon,” she said, “we’re going to dance the night away.”
And that’s what we did. We danced the night away. Between Susie and Cassandra and Gina, they began to teach me to do something that resembled dancing.
As I tried to make my body move with the music, I watched Dante and Cassandra dance. I had no idea where Dante had learned how to dance. Hell, he just knew how. So many things came so easily to him. I think every guy in the room envied Dante. If only they knew.
When the evening was winding down, the DJ put on a slow song, an oldie: “Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me.” Cassandra grabbed me. “You haven’t danced with me all night.” Something about holding her in my arms felt right. Not like love, not like that. It just felt comfortable and intimate. Well, it was like love—not like the love I had for Dante, but the kind of love I couldn’t put a name to.
I could sense Dante’s eyes on us. Somehow I knew there was something going through his head—and I knew that wasn’t a good thing. But when the song was over—the Village People saved the moment. Cassandra grabbed Dante and they led the way. And there we all were—making the Y and the M and the C and the A. Even I got in on the act.
Susie flung off her ghost outfit, and she and Gina, they looked so alive. I wondered what it would take for me to be as alive as they were.
Eleven
ON THE FIRST FRIDAY OF November, Dante and I went out to the desert in my pickup. It was a little chilly. I think I was a little peopled out. I needed some quiet. And I needed to be with Dante. Just me and him. It had been a while since we’d gone out there, to that spot where I kissed him for the first time. I’d put some sleeping bags in the back of the truck. Dante was singing as we drove, Christmas carols he was practicing for the concert. He had a good voice. Strong.
“I like to hear you sing,” I said, “but what I really enjoy doing is kissing.”
“Really? Where’d you learn? Who taught you?”
“Some guy. It wasn’t that hard to learn.”
“Some random guy?”
“Yeah.”
“Where’d you meet him?”
“I met him at the swimming pool one summer day. He taught me about the physics of water. He taught me that our bodies are mostly water and that the Earth is seventy-one percent water. He said if I didn’t understand the beauty and the dangers of water, then I would never understand the planet I lived on. He told me once that swimming was an intimate thing and that it was like making love to the Earth.”
“Your random friend said that?”
“He did.”
“How do you remember all those things I said to you, Ari?”
“Because you taught me how to listen to people who have something to say.”
“I didn’t teach you that. You learned that all by yourself.” He kissed me. “Come and swim all the waters of the world with me.”
I nodded. And all I could think was, God, Dante, I wish I could. If only that were possible. If only we could become cartographers of the waters of the world.
* * *
Just to hold him.
Just to kiss him.
Just to feel his body next to mine.
And feel that thing we call life running through me—that thing we call love. That thing we call “want” or “yearning” or “desire.” And I looked up at the heavens as my breathing returned to normal. And the stars were as brilliant that night as I’d ever known them to be.
I heard Dante whispering a poem: “ ‘Ah, love, let us be true to one another…’ ”
Sometimes it was so unnecessary to whisper the words “I love you.”
Twelve
I WOKE UP IN THE middle of the night. I’d been running down a dark street, and Bernardo was chasing me. And I was scared. I was so scared. I don’t why—but I thought if he caught me, something bad was going to happen. Like he was going to hurt me.
I lay there in bed, catching my breath. Legs was licking me, so I must have been talking or screaming in my sleep.
When will these dreams end? When will they end?
Thirteen
MY MOM AND DAD AND I were eating dinner—and I was just picking at my food. My mom and dad were talking—but I was somewhere else. I’d had that dream about my brother, and it had stayed with me all day. I took off my glasses and studied them.
“Still can’t get used to those things?”
“They’re not so bad. I mean, I didn’t know that my vision was off.” And I knew that I couldn’t wait anymore because I’d been wanting to ask for such a long, long, long, long time. “Dad, can I ask you to do me a favor?”
“What’s that, Ari?”
“I want to see Bernardo. I want to go see him.”
My mother didn’t say anything. And I saw that my parents were looking at each other, not knowing what to say.
“I just need a rest from this big question mark that’s been there for my whole life. I don’t want to live with that question mark anymore.”