“For the longest time, I have wanted to be an actress. Then I realized that I have been an actress all my life. But the question ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ is not just about what professions we choose. The real question is, what kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to love? Or do you want to continue the hate? Hate is a decision. Hate is an emotional pandemic we have never found a cure for. Choose to love.
“Class of 1989, please stand.” And we all stood. “Hold the hand of the person sitting next to you.” And we all held hands. “The hands that you are holding belong to human beings—and it does not matter whether you know them or not. You are each holding the hands of the future of America. Treasure those hands. Treasure those hands—and change the world.”
There was complete silence—and then there was a thunderous applause for Cassandra Ortega. More than half of her audience had hated her before she’d walked up to that podium—and she had let us see her. She stood in front of that podium, and she looked out at us, and she was radiant. She was the morning sun. She was the new day we’d all been waiting for. And we fell in love with her.
* * *
The whole world wanted to take a picture with Cassandra. We were patient. Mrs. Ortega was so proud. I saw her watch her daughter as our classmates surrounded her. And I knew she must have been thinking, This is my daughter. Yes, this is my daughter.
My mother was standing next to me. “How does it feel to be someone’s muse?”
“It feels okay.”
My mom just laughed.
Thirty-Seven
WE WENT TO SOME PARTY, and I wasn’t really in the party mood—but I was happy. Cassandra and Dante and Susie and Gina were having the time of their lives. And, in my own way, I was having the time of my life too. I guess I would always be the kind of guy that liked to celebrate things in a quieter way.
I wandered outside to the backyard. There was a great view of the lights of the city, and I wandered toward the back of the yard and leaned on the rock wall and gazed out at the view. I was out there alone, and I thought I heard something, and in the corner of the yard, someone was almost hiding behind a bush. And I noticed that whoever it was was crying.
I moved toward the person, and I could see that it was a guy. And I recognized him. Julio? Julio from the welcoming committee? “Hey,” I said, “what’s wrong? We’re supposed to be celebrating.”
“I don’t feel much like celebrating.”
“You made top ten percent of the class.”
“Big fucking deal.”
“It can’t be that bad, can it?”
“You know, life isn’t easy for everybody.”
“Life isn’t easy for anybody.”
“But it’s harder for some than for others. I hate my life.”
“Been there. Done that.”
“I doubt it. You don’t know what it’s like to feel like a freak. You don’t know what it’s like to know that you don’t fit in and never will. And that everyone would hate you if they knew the truth about you.”
And then I knew what he was talking about. And I decided that I was just going to trust the situation. I don’t know why, but it didn’t feel brave or anything like that; it felt, well, normal.
“Most people don’t know this about me, because I don’t like wearing a sign and I’m kind of a private guy, so only my family and my closest friends know, but I’m gay.”
“You? Aristotle Mendoza?”
“Yup.”
He’d stopped crying. “Are you some kind of angel that God sent me or something? I’m gay too. But I guess you figured that out by the way I was talking. And I’ve never told anybody. Not anybody. You’re the first person I’ve ever told.”
“I’m the first person you’ve ever told? Well, I guess I should be honored—but you should have given that honor to your closest friends.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“What if they hated me after I told them? Then I wouldn’t have anybody.”
“But Elena and Hector are your best friends. I always see you together at school.”
“They are my best friends. They’ve been my best friends since forever.”
“I don’t think they’d hate you.”
“You don’t know that.”
“You’re right. But I don’t think I’m wrong. And what if I am wrong and they didn’t want to have anything to do with you—wouldn’t you want to know that they weren’t worth hanging around with? Julio, never underestimate the people who love you. Tell them.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. Whether you fucking like it or not, you’re going to have to learn to be brave. Are they here?”
“Yeah, they’re inside dancing.”
“I’m going inside and I’m going to bring them out here. Look, I got your back. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here. Okay?”
“Okay,” he said. He just kept nodding. “Okay, I might as well just get it over with.”
I walked inside and spotted Elena and Hector. “Julio needs to talk to you.”
“Did something happen? Is he okay?”
“He’s okay. He just needs to talk to his friends.” I cocked my head and they followed me outside.
“Julio, these are you friends. Talk to them.”
“What is it, Julio? You’re crying. What’s wrong?”
“Everything.”
“What, Julio? Tell us what’s wrong.”
“It’s just that I don’t know how to tell you that I’m—I’m gay.” And he bowed his head. I recognized that his tears came from an inarticulate shame.
“Oh, Julio, why didn’t you tell us?” Elena reached for him and hugged him. And Hector put his arms around both of them—and they were all crying. “It’s okay, who cares? We’re your friends. Don’t you know what that word means?”
“I’m sorry. I was afraid.”
“Afraid we wouldn’t love you?” Elena gave him that look. “I should kick your ass for not trusting us. I really should.”
“And I should too,” Hector said.
“Forgive me. Ari said we should never underestimate the people who love us. And he was right.”
“We forgive you,” Elena said. “Let’s celebrate. It’s a coming-out party!”
Julio had a horrified look on his face. “I’m just joking,” Elena said. “We won’t force you to make any public announcements.” She turned to me. “You’re full of surprises. For every bad thing I ever said about you, for every bad thing I ever thought about you—forgive me, Ari. I can be an asshole.” She kissed me on the cheek. “I’ll love you forever for this.”
“Forever is a long time, Elena.”
“I know what ‘forever’ means, Aristotle Mendoza.”
I watched them as they walked away laughing and joking. I was happy.
* * *
I was about to go inside to join the party when I saw Dante walking toward me. “Are you being melancholy boy again?”