Not yet.
As he stared at the cracks in the ceiling, the sun had not yet broken the horizon, and he wondered, in the dark, how long it would take before he’d be willing to try being social. He knew that’s what Maggie would want. He told himself that was the logical thing to do.
But he couldn’t. That was the symptom he was afraid of the most.
Could there be another woman for him? The thought gave him the chills. He knew the signs of his unwillingness to let her go was dangerous, meant that whatever disease was rolling around in his head was getting worse, not better. In the confines of his little green kingdom up in Northern California, that didn’t matter. Tate didn’t seem to mind, and no one ever came to visit. But now, things had shifted. He was going to exact his revenge on the man who had forever altered his life. Who had stolen his only chance at true happiness.
Until the mission was over, he wouldn’t think about it anymore. He was going to focus on what was next. He’d worry about how long after that he wanted to live. If he decided to toss in the towel, and he’d had several friends who’d chosen that route, he’d have to find a good home for Tate. Maybe he could stay with Riley and the kids. Maybe the dog would be more flexible than Brady. Tate might be able to live on, unlike his master.
Brady sighed and threw his hands up under his head, just thinking, letting his mind wander. He was supposed to be controlling it. He was supposed to be the first one up, the one organizing and holding it all together. But he just didn’t feel like it.
“Besides, who’s going to care if I live a little longer?” he whispered into the ethos.
He rolled over on his side and stared right into her eyes. He loved her that way. He loved her because of all the dark days he’d had before he met her.
“Maggie,” he said to the pillow, “I’m not going to stop today or tomorrow, maybe next week, but I want you to understand. I have to stop this. If I don’t, I’m going to go insane, yet I can’t stop thinking about you, talking to you, feeling you’re right here. And you’re not. Somehow, sweetheart, I don’t think you want that for me, isn’t that correct?”
As she did that very first day he met her, she frivolously moved her head from side to side, rocking her chest along with her neck. She inhaled one long breath then closed her eyes and let the glorious breath release from her lips.
She suddenly opened her eyes.
“You will meet somebody, Brady. And then you won’t see me anymore. I will live inside of her. You will love again.”
It broke his heart to see her tears, softly cascading down her cheeks. His hand extended to her face, his left thumb wicking away streams of teardrops. “Don’t say that, Maggie, please. I can’t ever love someone like you again. But I can work on it. It would be different, but it won’t be like this. I will never have this again.”
“And I’m telling you, Brady, you will,” she insisted. “And that’s when I’ll be gone. It’s a good thing, Brady. You don’t have to prepare me for it. I will just cease to be. You will have your new life. And I know you’re going to be happy. I will it so.”
He always liked it when she did that. She had a way of dissing him, really cutting him off at the ankles, and him still begging for more. Anyone else who tried to do that would be a bloody casualty. But Maggie could slay him as hard or as softly as she wanted, and he would plead for more. If he was wrong, he begged for forgiveness. If he was right, he’d still beg for forgiveness.
“How did I get so lucky for that year, Maggie? What did I do to deserve it?”
Her hand appeared from under the covers, her palm pressed against his cheek. She didn’t say anything. Just lay there, touching him, lovingly gazing into his eyes.
“I guess we’re just lucky, Brady. Most people don’t get to have this. You know what they say, better to have loved and lost than never loved in the first place?”
“I hate that quote. I absolutely hate it. I forbid you from saying it again.”
She pouted and then very gently nodded her head in agreement.
A knock on his room door told him this morning’s encounter with Maggie was going to end. He mouthed to her, “I have to go.”
She pulled the sheets up to her chin then faded into the pillow and was gone.
“Coming.” He pulled his pajama pants up over his hips, tied the draw string, and showed up at his door shirtless and barefoot. He didn’t even check a mirror to see what was happening with his hair.
Peeking through the peephole, he saw it was Riley.
“Hey, Bones, you okay?” Riley asked.
“Just being lazy. No biggie.” He stepped back, opened the door wider, and invited Riley inside. “I haven’t tried the coffee yet. You want some?”
“Sure, although I usually can’t drink it without cream.”
“I’m the same way, sport, but I’m sorry. I haven’t got anything.”
While he waited for the coffee to percolate, he noticed Brady was showered, shaved, and ready to go. That gave him pause.
“What time is it anyway?”
“It’s about 7:30. I tried to sleep longer, but I couldn’t.”
“Well, that’s two of us then.”
“You still dreaming about her?”
“None of your damn business.” That made Riley smile.
“I called home about an hour ago and woke the whole household up.” Brady knew that Riley had something on his mind.
“Okay, so what’s going on?”
“God damn it, Bones, you can read people’s minds, can’t you?”
“Nope. I just looked at you all nervous and tossing about. You probably checked out the to-do list we created last night. It’s part of your obsessive-compulsive nature. I have the same affliction most nights. Right?”
Riley nodded his head sheepishly. “When I first started thinking about doing this little vacation with you, I thought ‘no big deal.’ But I never expected all of us would be borrowing parts from the Navy and basically asking for trouble.”
“That’s the way it goes, Riley. I’m sorry. How’s Tate doing?”
“Well, I’m afraid I have some bad news.”
“Come on, Riley, out with it.”
“I’m afraid Tate got the rooster.” Riley delivered it straight, dead pan. He did not show an ounce of remorse, concern, or worry. It just was a thing that got done. Tate was an efficient killer of animals and never let them suffer for long periods of time. If smaller dogs and cats and other animals underestimated him, they would do so at their own peril. Brady could almost see the point of death.
“Don’t tell me. The rooster—”
Riley helped him out. “It was a good death.”
Brady chuckled. Then he burst out into a full-on laugh. It was so crazy, but the scene in his mind was diabolical.
“I needed that.” Brady handed Riley his coffee. “Did you get any rest at all?”
“Shit, Brady, you’d think I was a schoolgirl. I’m nervous as hell. I never liked Mexico, even when I was in my twenties. And now as the years have gone by, well, it’s just gotten more and more dangerous. With these cartels everywhere, they’re just having their way with us. The odds are not in our favor.”