I had a baby. Our baby. Our daughter. I didn’t know her long before they took her and gave her to somebody else to raise, but she is the most perfect little girl. I know this must come as such a shock to you, and I know it’s strange to learn about it like this, but I hope you’ll understand why it’s easier for me to tell you this way. If I told you in person, I don’t know if I could get out the words without sobbing the entire time. As it is, I’m crying while I write this letter, but at least I can write it.
I still struggle to believe it, but it’s true. I had our baby. I found out not long after Christmas, not long after my parents threw you out of the house that one awful night. They never let me out of their sight after that. I was watched constantly. I couldn’t even bribe Patty to put a letter to you in the mail. And not long after that I was sent away to Dallas, where I had the baby, and she was taken away. Johnny, if you could have seen her. She was so sweet. Is so sweet. Just like a gumdrop with your dark eyes. I hope she loves music like us. I hope she’s wild like you and me. I hope her heart knows joy in this life. And I hope she’s allowed to love anyone she wants.
Johnny, when I was with you – when we were together – I felt so free. I felt like I could be myself, or at least start to figure out who that is. We could just be together and talk about anything. Everything. It didn’t matter that we were from different worlds. We belonged together. I still remember that night by the beach in Galveston and how you held my hand in yours and what you whispered to me. I want you to know that the answer is yes. It’s always been yes.
Everything is so confusing and awful, and I know you’ve read the papers and know about everything that’s happened to me. I’m so sorry that when I showed up at Eastside I was such a wreck about everything that had happened and I didn’t know how to be honest with you. But how can I blame myself for that after all that I’ve been through? I was just reacting after going through something so terrible, and I know you understand because you always understood me.
I hope that everything will get resolved, that Betty will get her father to believe that what I did was to protect Evie, and that soon you and I will be together again. I long for that day. I know you do, too.
Johnny, I love you. Always.
Your girl,
Diane
‘Diane,’ I say, and she turns her gaze to look at me.
‘It’s perfect,’ I tell her. I do wonder what Johnny whispered to Diane on the beach at Galveston, but she doesn’t offer the information, and I know it’s not my place to ask.
She draws her knees up under her chin, folds into herself. ‘Do you think that’s all right … telling him about the baby like this?’ she asks me, her face twisting up in concern. ‘Is it rotten of me to spill something like that in a letter?’
‘Diane,’ I say, folding the paper, ‘after everything that’s happened to you, I think you have the right to tell him however you want.’
She smiles, grateful, and I slide the letter reverently into my pocket, proud that Diane trusts me as her friend. Proud that I can be the one to be honest with her and help her when she needs someone most.
‘Thanks, Evie,’ she says.
‘Of course.’
Then we sit in quiet for a bit until I gather the courage to ask a question I’ve been wondering about. Maybe because one day, I’d like to know the answer.
‘What’s it like to be in love?’ I ask. ‘I mean, really?’
Diane’s smile stretches out slowly and easily, like she couldn’t be more thrilled to answer this question and is grateful I’ve asked it.
‘It’s … wonderful,’ she says. ‘It’s … I don’t have the words, really. Johnny and I …’ She traces her finger lazily along the hardwood floor. Then she’s still for a moment. ‘When you love someone,’ she starts again, ‘it’s like listening to a song you adore. And every single time you listen to it, you hear something new. And you know you’ll never get sick of listening to it. Ever. And as soon as it’s over, you want to listen to it again so you can know it even better. Until it’s just a part of you.’ She smiles, blushing. ‘Maybe that sounds stupid. I don’t know.’
I shake my head. ‘It doesn’t. It really doesn’t.’
Connie told Diane and me that Johnny was set to be released this morning, at least according to the papers, so even though I’m anxious to get my dangerous deed over with, we decide it makes sense to wait until after lunchtime before I sneak out to Connie’s house on Mable, just a few blocks away. We sit cross-legged on the floor and occasionally take a careful glance out the windows at the overcast October sky, munch saltines to try and soothe our nervous stomachs, and talk through the plan in between long, anxious seas of silence.
‘I’ll try to cut through backyards when I go,’ I say. ‘And when I get to the Treadway house, I’ll go in through the back.’
‘And Johnny’s parents?’
‘I’m not worried about them,’ I say, shaking my head and lighting a cigarette. ‘They’re either not home, passed out, or they won’t give a damn. I wonder if they’re even aware Johnny got hauled in.’ I let myself think about my mother and how she never, ever let me and Cheryl spend a day hungry. How she never, ever let us spend a sick, feverish night alone. Connie and Johnny have been fending for themselves for as long as I can remember.
Diane sighs. ‘Yes, I know about Johnny’s mother and father.’ Her voice drops into a sorry whisper. ‘I think that’s one of the reasons Johnny and I fell in love. We both got cursed with lousy parents. Mine just have more money.’ She shrugs.
Then Diane looks up at me again, her green eyes shining. ‘Evie,’ she says, ‘thank you so much. For everything.’
‘Of course,’ I answer.
A shadow suddenly falls over her face, and she lets out a small gasp. ‘But what if he’s not even at his house when you get there?’ Diane asks.
‘If he’s not there, I’ll search around a bit at some of his regular hangouts,’ I say. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll find him.’
Diane shakes her head hard. ‘No, Evie. That’s too much. You can’t be running all over the east side. If he’s not at the house, just come right back here. Promise?’
‘Promise,’ I lie. I’m bound and determined to find Johnny. I have to.
Finally, enough hours pass that Diane and I figure it’s safe for me to head out. She hugs me tight for good luck, and, after peering as carefully as I can out the windows, I slowly turn the doorknob, holding my breath as I do, and slip out onto the back steps.
It’s been two nights since I’ve been outside the walls of the dilapidated, musty house, and the fresh air feels good on my face and in my lungs. I take a moment to enjoy it before regaining my focus. Two blocks to Elliston and two blocks to Mable. It should only take minutes if I move fast enough.
I scan for anyone out and spy no one. Not even a housewife hanging laundry. I start cutting through yards, thinking only of getting from one house to the next. A scuttle of leaves makes me jump until I realize it’s just a stray tabby cat chasing a squirrel or a mouse. Heart thrumming, mouth dry, I have to remind myself to breathe.